I decided to take a break from updating this blog while starting work on a new blog that has nothing to do with the subject matter of Overactive Fork.
At some point within the past six weeks I made a (sub)conscious decision (which IS a decision of sorts) that I just wanted to do a little less work on my recovery effort.
My decision was definitely DUMB (not to mention self-destructive!). After all, my addiction NEVER takes a break from working on me, so where do I get off deciding that I can somehow “let up” on working on my recovery? Such stinking thinking ALWAYS leads me (and most other addicts too?) to relapse.
My “SIX Week Mini-Vacation From Recovery” resulted in a 1.3 pound weight re-gain (UPDATE: As of Monday, March 31 my TEN week weight re-gain total was 3.3 pounds). Obviously, it could have been a LOT worse — I’m extremely lucky that I didn’t re-gain at least 20 pounds in a six (make that 30 pounds in a TEN) week period!
My relapses over the past few years have usually resulted in small weight re-gains — which (Duh!) STOPS my ability to continue to lose excess weight. Then again, to be totally honest, I don’t really want to be “THIN!!!”
Pardon me while I vent…
I pretty much DETEST thin (especailly “thin and muscular”) people who tend to cop a negative attitude toward big fat slobs like me! At times, I actually HATE these folks! I actually wish that they could become a big fat slob just like me — if not bigger, fatter and “slobbier” (Is ”slobbier” a real word?) than moi!!!
REALITY CHECK: Of course I’m NEVER REALLY “angry” or “full of hate” – I just STUFF DOWN my anger and hatred to become what one rock song called a state of being “comfortably numb”!
I also pretty much DETEST any food plan that attempts to suggest a saner way to eat than does that self-deluded voice that tells me to “Go ahead, and eat just a little more…”! This is a truly pathetic attitude to cop, especially because the Weight Watchers POINTS food plan is probably the most reasonable, flexible and sanest food plan I’ve ever worked in my life!
And when it comes right down to it: I’m VERY AFRAID to be
“THIN”!!! I can remember people asking me countless time over the years if I didn’t REALLY want to be “thin”. For many years I would respond to the “earth people” with a one word answer: ”Sure!” – just to get them off my back! Anything to just SHUT THEM UP (so I can begin stuffing down even more anger and resentment).
You know who “earth people” are, right? They are the people who walk around with maybe 5 – 10 pounds of excess weight, yet claim that they “understand” what it’s like to deal with the same level of obesity as those of us who are “morbidly obese”. Heck,I’ve SPILLED MORE FOOD at one meal than these folks have probably overate over the course of their entire life!
Some other “earth people” are actually at a normal weight and rarely if ever overeat (let alone act out with any of the major self-destructive addiction). Their “addiction” per se is to feel superior to those of us who aren’t as PERFECT as they are! And don’t they have ALL the answers for all of our problems.
“Bitter…Party of one!!!”
OK. Enough of my tirade against “earth people”, food plans and everything else that gets on my last nerve when it comes to my addiction. Sometimes I just gotta’ vent before I can re-focus and re-group and get back on track with a sane(r) way of thinking. As John Bradshaw or some other 12 Step speaker once said, “Nothing ever changes until it becomes what it is.”
But back to that irritating question often asked of me, “Don’t you REALLY want to be thin?” The truth is NO (some part of me at least) would really rather stay FAT (maybe “less fat”). Deep down I’m AFRAID to let go of the layers of fat that have done such a marvelous job (?) over the years to PROTECT me!
I know this fear is crazy. But since I was in high school (I turned 50 earlier this year), I can honestly state that I have experience the FEAR being thin. Then again, perhaps fear is just another excuse to stay in the food and stay out of the exercise?