Feelings: To Feel Them Or Stuff Them Down, That Is THE Question!

Many years ago I had a pastor who impressed me with both his great wisdom and delightful sense of humor. He would often quip that he had been known to “cry at supermarket grand openings”!

I can relate to his comment — at least at times. Sometimes I cry with little or no provocation. At other times I do a pretty good job at “stuffing down” my feelings — ALL feelings — including feelings that lead to tears.

I’ve heard it said of food addicts that if we don’t “Face Our Stuff” we’ll (eventually) ”Stuff Our Face”. I’ve found this is VERY true in the sense that some of my most painful feelings have surfaced during periods of sane eating.

How vividly the lyrics of Simon And Garfunkel’s song I Am A Rock captures the emotional pain that many of us addicts have tried to stuff down…

“I am a rock.
I am an island.
I’ve built walls –
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate…
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain….
I touch no one and no one touches me…
And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.”

As a recovering co-dependent, feeling MY feelings should NOT be too difficult a task to handle since (in active co-dependency) I had NO problem feeling EVERYone else’s feelings. But the reality has been that running from, denying and stuffing down (”stuffing” comes about with my ingesting EXCESS amounts of food) MY OWN feelings has been my pattern.

Many years ago I heard it explained that feelings, also referred to as “emotions” , are “energy-in-motion” (think “e-motions”). My understanding is that ingesting any any mood-or-mind-altering substance can (and does) “block” the processing of emotions. Hence the state of “emotional constipation” that many of us addicts experienced during out days of active addiction.

I don’t know why, but feeling MY feelings CAN seem overwhelming. At times I’ve found myself wondering if I was going to “e-mote to death” by allowing myself to feel my feelings!

The Overeaters Anonymous brochure entitled, A Plan Of Eating: A Tool for Living - One Day at a Time (Copyright 1988, 2001, 2005 Overeaters Anonymous, Incorporated. All rights reserved.), addresses the connection between food and emotions with these words:

“For a compulsive overeater, eating is attached to emotions. We are never fully satisfied, no matter how much we eat, because we are eating for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons. We eat for excitement, love celebration, loneliness, escape, pleasure and comfort. We devour food to anesthetize ourselves. We eat out of anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, fear, pride, guilt and grief.”

The good news is that, through working the 12 Steps, I’ve actually been able to discover/uncover whatever feelings I’ve been stuffing down with excess food. Through working the 12 Steps while working with other addicts I’ve found the strength to NOT act out with food in an addictve, compulsive or impulsive manner, despite feeling some intense and pretty crappy emotions!

Recovery doesn’t magically protect me from feeling painful feelings. Recovery gives me the strength and courage to discover, feel and then move beyond my feelings without the need to swallow excessive amounts of food or avoid physical exercise. How does all of this work? One Day, One Step and One Feeling at a time!

 

Impulsive Overeating

Some people refer to themselves as “compulsive overeaters”. Others refer to themselves as “food addicts”.

Some people with a “food issue” make a big deal about how they identify themselves and insist that others identify themselves exactly the way they do when it comes to identifying problematic food-related behavior.

My position, when it comes to identifying my out-of-control food behavior, is that ultimately I’m an addict and that excessive food intake and avoidance of physical exercise are merely manifestations of my underlying addictive disorder. As I mentioned in a previous post, I tend to agree with a friend who believed that codependency was underneath every single self-destructive addiction.

Whatever.  How I identify my disorder isn’t all that important. What is important, IMHO, is what I’m doing about.

I’m certainly cmpulsive when it comes to food and exercise avoidance.

I’m definitely an addict when it comes to these two things.

I’m also very much of what I would call an “Impulsive Overeater”. “Impulsive” to the point that when I want to eat something (or want to avoid exercise) ALMOST NOTHING will stop from having my way!  If this isn’t a classic definition of “addiction” I don’t know what is! <blush> As I’ve also heard this reality described, we addicts, “want what we want when we want it — if not BEFORE!!!”

I can really relate to the following definitions of “impulse” and “impulsive”.

IMPULSE
* “Sudden, involuntary inclination prompting to action.”
* ”A sudden desire.”
* “A sudden pushing or driving force.”

IMPULSIVE
” Without forethought.”
* “Determined by chance or impulse or whim, rather than by necessity or reason.”
* “Characterized by undue haste and lack of thought or deliberation.”

Being impulsive explains a LOT about my behavior with food and exercise avoidance…especially with the food part of my addiction process! How many times it seemed almost if food MAGICALLY came FLYING into my mouth! No forethought, just an INSTANEOUS action took place, over which I felt powerLESS.

And when I am powerLESS, what a great place to “tap into the power” I find when working the 12 Steps, praying, working with other addicts! I find it of absolute importance that I share HONESTLY (with both God and other addicts) about at those moments when I want to act out in a self-destructive manner. Mentioning food and behaviors by names often does much to diminish the power of my self-destructive behaviors.

I bring up this issue of “impuslive overeating” because this issue is related to one of my few frustrations with the Weight Watchers POINTS food plan.

As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, I think the POINTS plan has to be one of the nutritionally-sanest food plans ever written. Because it is so very “sane” when it comes to nutrition, I have found it to be the easiest food plan I’ve ever tried to follow. This is NOT another “diet”. Given the variety and volume of food it allows me to consume, for the most part it is a sheer joy to follow. Figuring up the POINTS value of foods takes some work, but my experience is that most things in life that are worthwhile DO take work.

So when it comes to MY impulsiveness and working the POINTS food plan the “rub” is that I really can’t just “grab and inhale” any old food whenever I feel like it.  In order to honestly work the POINTS food plan I must know the POINTS value of every food item I consume. It doesn’t great math skills to work the POINTS food plan, but it DOES take some discipline. And discipline makes it pretty hard to act out impulsively with excess food! This is NOT necessarily a bad thing. The only problem is that my “addict within” doesn’t particularly care for this!

 

Facing Holidays: Have A Plan

In one of my favorite movies, a character quips that addiction is “a three-fold disease: Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years!” No doubt for most of us food addicts, the three major winter holiDAZE pose a major challenge to our recovery effort!

Many of us find ourselves surrounded by food this time of the year. All sorts of party and dinner invitations can make the temptation to overeat even more intense than it is the rest of the year.

And what about those “food pushers”! You know the kind of person I’m talking about. They regularly remind us that “different rules apply” to any and all holidays. We MUST overeat, indeed we are EXPECTED to overeat on these days! And if we don’t overeat on holiDAZE, then something MUST be terribly wrong with us.

My recovery journey has taught me that NO food addict “must” overeat on any holiday anymore than any other addict “must” give in to his addiction on these special (and often times very stressful) days. Our addiction takes no time off for holidays and neither should our recovery effort.

Here’s a list of ten reminders that help keep me on track at all-you-can-binge buffets, holiday parties and even when surrounded by even the most obnoxious food pusher(s):

1 – I have the right to say “No.”

2 – With God’s help (and the support of other addicts) I can make my “No.” mean “No.” and be consistent sticking with “No.” Remembering to pray before, duing and after food-centered events helps me connect with God. Having the phone numbers of other addicts on my person helps me connect with other addicts when faced with temptation. Therefore PREPARATION IS ESSENTIAL when placing myself in stressful (let alone tempting) situations.

3 – ”No.” is a complete sentence. Therefore I do NOT have to justify, rationalize or otherwise explain my decision to say “No.” to excess amounts of food.

4 – I have the right — without explanation — to remove myself from the immediately proximity of people and places that threaten my recovery. If an explanation is “owed” it can be made LATER (e.g., like when I’m in a better spiritual/emotional space).

5 – Without apology, I believe that I have the right to take care of me, one holiday/one day at a time.

6 – Having a well-balanced, nutritionally-sane food plan makes my recovery effort EASIER: I know what my boundaries are and my boundaries are reasonable.

7 – If I can’t remember how MISERABLE I felt after I had my last food binge, then I probably have at least one more binge ahead of me!

8 – ”Insanity is doing the SAME thing over and over while expecting DIFFERENT results.” Therefore what am I prepared to DO (”DO” = action) DIFFERENTLY when presented with circumstances, people and places that have defeated me in the past?

9 – Failling to plan is (subconsciously) planning to fail. What is my plan? Write it down! Share it with another addict!

10 – Holidays last just 24 hours — just like every other day of the year. And I have a God and a program of recovery that works amazingly well when I WORK (”WORK” = action) it, just ONE (HOLI)DAY at a time!

 

I Don’t Do My Recovery Alone

“An addict alone is in a bad neighborhood.” – something I’ve heard over the years at the meetings of Narcotics Anonymous

Repeated efforts by me to be the “Lone Ranger of Recovery” failed miserably. So, as I shared in my introductory entry, I approach my recovery journey with LOTS of support from others. Among those who’s guidance I seek: God, fellow addicts (of all sorts), the collective wisdom of Weight Watchers, my primary care physician, a dietician, a physical therapist and other professionals as needed.

When I think I have “all the answers” then I can expect relapse into active food addiction, which always includes weight re-gain.

When I get resentful toward others (Resentment being the #1 cause for relapse) and don’t want their advice (let alone fellowship) any more, I can count on going into relapse and re-gaining some (or all) of the weight I’ve previously lost.

Just for today I stay “plugged into” all of the support I can find! The friendship and wisdom of others makes my journey much easier (”Together we can do what we could never do alone!” — an observation from a co-founder of Overeaters Anonymous).

While most of the professionals I deal with are “earth people” (that is, they don’t share my addiction), even they can (and have repeatedly) taught me much about how to eat and exercise sanely, one day at a time.

So when (as I did in my most recent entry) issue a warning about addicts who act as if they are dieticians and/or exercise physiologists when it comes to pontificating to fellow addicts, I wanted to remind myself that I’m NOT MY own health care (let alone any other kind of) professional. Indeed I know just enough about nutrition and exercise to be dangerous (to myself and other addicts). Hopefully this new-found humility will carry over to my work with fellow addicts.

A wise addict once observed that “humility” is NOT the same thing as “humiliation” — humility is merely “the willingness to be equal”. Along with “being equal”, humility also makes it easier for me to be honest, openminded and willing to take directions (even when I don’t feel like taking them).