Back To OA: Still CrAzY After All These Years!

Yesterday I returned to Overeaters Anonymous after a seven year absence…which was preceeded by some 23 years of fairly continuous participation.

Please note that during my extended absence from OA that I never stopped working the 12 Steps. Between my involvement with One Bite Fellowship (a group I started especially for MALE food addicts) and participation in a couple of other 12 Step communities (in person and online), I continued working on my recovery.

I stopped attending face-to-face OA meetings for a number of reasons. In 20/20 hindsight, I now believe that most of the problems I left over involved important issues. Seven years ago I believed that ALL of the reasons II left over involved “serious issues”.  Having attended OA meetings in many cities around the US (in Indiana, Wisconsin, Ohio, Missouri, Kansas and Kentucky), I still believe that most of the reasons I left the OA fellowship had to do with problems that are unique to the fellowship here in Louisville, Kentucky.

When I write about OA, I’d like to believe that I know a lot about this organization, having spent over half my life in this particular 12 Step fellowship. Yeah…I’m 50 years old and attended my first OA meeting when I was a wee lad of 20 years old. Where did my youth go? It was spent in 12 Step meetings!

The meeting that I attended yesterday wasn’t what I’d call “terrible”. In fact, it was pretty good for an OA meeting here in Louisville. Then again, I’ve attended some truly AWFUL OA meetings in this town over the years! Meetings where men were bashed. Meetings where the 12 Traditions were repeatedly violated. Meetings where I could have sworn that the fellowship should have been re-named “Excuses Anonymous” (due to the lack of recovery of being shared by those in attendance).

Some of the things about Louisville OA meetings that used to drive me NuTs were present in yesterday’s meeting. My Short List: 20 - 25 minutes worth of readings being read at the start of the meeting  (Why can’t these people in Louisville simply follow the SUGGESTED MEETING FORMAT offered by OA’s World Service Office? YAWN!!!), a request to “NOT mention foods” by their ACTUAL names (for fear we would trigger another member to OVEReat compulsively — PLEASE!!!) and sharing about food plans and physical recovery (both during and after the meeting) that DISTORTS the OA message on these matters.

I plan on continuing to attend OA meetings for the time being (One Meeting At A Time), while remembering to “Take what I like and leave the rest” — or ar least “NOT OVEReat compulsively over the rest”.

Instead of the “larded-up” meetings here in Louisville, I much prefer just NO NONSENSE OA where the REAL message of this wonderful fellowship is CLEARLY and CONCISELY expressed! The OA meesage is NOT one that encourages FEAR and/or RIGIDITY about “sugar and flour”. It is NOT (and NEVER has been) a message of promoting rigid food plans. And the Suggested Meeting Format from OA World Service Office has PLENTY of essential readings that do not distort how recovery works.

Some positive things I experienced at yesterday’s meeting include…

I appreciated the warm welcome I received at yesterday’s OA meeting! The degree of warmth I experienced is a BIG improvement over the ice cold welcome I’ve observed being extended to newcomers at many an OA meeting I had attended in previous years. I hope that I extend an equally friendly welcome to newcomers that I experienced yesterday!

The topic (actually FOUR topics to choose from) were based on topics found in actual OA-approved literature! And what members shared was actually ON TOPIC! This is a BIG improvement over MANY meetings I’d attended previously.

If you read my previous journal entry about how I view my recovery journey as an “A La Carte Experience”, then you’ll hopefully understand why I wont (I did at one time, but wont just for today) put “all of my eggs” in the “OA basket”. Some OA members may believe that OA is ALL they need to recover or that they have (and follow?) the ONE food plan that I “should” be following (Please don’t “should all over me or others” — Just for today!). They are free to believe what they believe to be true…Just as I am free to believe what I believe to be true.

My recovery journey is influenced by numerous sources and OA is just one of them. My Christian faith guides my spiritual recovery. Weight Watchers offers a positive, sane influence in dealing with food and emotional issues that trigger overeating (At least at Weight Watchers meetings we CAN mention foods by their SPECIFIC names! and NEVER get lectured about the EVIL of “sugar and flour”. The philosphy that guides my One Bite Fellowship has been heavily influenced by my OA, AA, Al-Anon and Narcotics Anonymous recovery. And I can’t emphasize how important it is for me to TRUST the “earth people” who help guide my physical recovery, including my doctors, physical therapists, diabetes educators and dieticians.

 

Feelings: To Feel Them Or Stuff Them Down, That Is THE Question!

Many years ago I had a pastor who impressed me with both his great wisdom and delightful sense of humor. He would often quip that he had been known to “cry at supermarket grand openings”!

I can relate to his comment — at least at times. Sometimes I cry with little or no provocation. At other times I do a pretty good job at “stuffing down” my feelings — ALL feelings — including feelings that lead to tears.

I’ve heard it said of food addicts that if we don’t “Face Our Stuff” we’ll (eventually) ”Stuff Our Face”. I’ve found this is VERY true in the sense that some of my most painful feelings have surfaced during periods of sane eating.

How vividly the lyrics of Simon And Garfunkel’s song I Am A Rock captures the emotional pain that many of us addicts have tried to stuff down…

“I am a rock.
I am an island.
I’ve built walls –
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate…
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain….
I touch no one and no one touches me…
And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.”

As a recovering co-dependent, feeling MY feelings should NOT be too difficult a task to handle since (in active co-dependency) I had NO problem feeling EVERYone else’s feelings. But the reality has been that running from, denying and stuffing down (”stuffing” comes about with my ingesting EXCESS amounts of food) MY OWN feelings has been my pattern.

Many years ago I heard it explained that feelings, also referred to as “emotions” , are “energy-in-motion” (think “e-motions”). My understanding is that ingesting any any mood-or-mind-altering substance can (and does) “block” the processing of emotions. Hence the state of “emotional constipation” that many of us addicts experienced during out days of active addiction.

I don’t know why, but feeling MY feelings CAN seem overwhelming. At times I’ve found myself wondering if I was going to “e-mote to death” by allowing myself to feel my feelings!

The Overeaters Anonymous brochure entitled, A Plan Of Eating: A Tool for Living - One Day at a Time (Copyright 1988, 2001, 2005 Overeaters Anonymous, Incorporated. All rights reserved.), addresses the connection between food and emotions with these words:

“For a compulsive overeater, eating is attached to emotions. We are never fully satisfied, no matter how much we eat, because we are eating for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons. We eat for excitement, love celebration, loneliness, escape, pleasure and comfort. We devour food to anesthetize ourselves. We eat out of anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, fear, pride, guilt and grief.”

The good news is that, through working the 12 Steps, I’ve actually been able to discover/uncover whatever feelings I’ve been stuffing down with excess food. Through working the 12 Steps while working with other addicts I’ve found the strength to NOT act out with food in an addictve, compulsive or impulsive manner, despite feeling some intense and pretty crappy emotions!

Recovery doesn’t magically protect me from feeling painful feelings. Recovery gives me the strength and courage to discover, feel and then move beyond my feelings without the need to swallow excessive amounts of food or avoid physical exercise. How does all of this work? One Day, One Step and One Feeling at a time!

 

Notes From The Journey…

Before anyone sends me hate mail because I’ve posted yet another picture of REAL FOOD on my blog (yes, I actually got a message from some guy recently who was all shook up over seeing the picture of a man holding a fork — NO food on the fork, just a fork – in the masthead at the top of this page!), allow me to explain why, when I deem them appropriate, I choose to post such photographs.

Allow me to do a reality check: Just SEEING a picture of food canNOT force any food addict to overeat compulsively!!! If I posted a picture of dog poop would you HAVE TO eat it?  Nope!  The same is true when you see, smell or (gasp!) even think about food.  We addicts are powerLESS over food, but NOT over our elbows!

I used to fear the sight, smell and thoughts of food. But my atttitude toward food has been radically changed by a couple of passages found in Alcoholics Anonymous, the basic text of that fellowship. One of those passages (pages 84 and 85) reads:

“”We have ceased fighting anything or anyone — even alcohol (food). For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in (food). If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We can now react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that this new attitude toward liquor (food) is really a gift of God.

That is the miracle of it.  We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation.  We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected.  We have not even sworn off.  Instead, the problem has been removed.  It does not exist for us.  We are neither cocky nor are we afraid.  That is our experience.  That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.” (pages 84-85)

So you might as well get used to seeing pictures of FOOD within the entries of OVERACTIVE FORK, because I’ll continue to post them when/if they fit the topic I’m writing about! Oh yeah…you might want to consider working the 12 Steps so when you do see ”recovery-threatening pictures” you wont CHOOSE to eat whatever food is pictured on my blog! :-D Working the 12 Steps, not just mentally masturbating about them, is how one gets to the “position of neutrality” discussed in the AA Big Book passage listed above. Hiding from food is NO substitute for working the 12 Steps. Being afraid of food is, in an of itself, NOT a hallmark of authentic 12 Step recovery from food addiction. On the other hand, being afraid of what acting out with our addiction can do our health and physical well-being IS something to fear, IMHO.

We now return to the subject of this entry…

I’m pleased to report that this week, my second week of back-to-back food sobriety and exercise sanity this time around, is going very well. Thank you, God!!! Thank you, fellow addicts and others!!!

Occasionally I hope to write about “little but important experiences” I have along this “journey known as recovery”. This is the first such entry.

* To help remind himself that he really is NOT the center of the universe, a good friend of mine in the AA and OA fellowships is fond of saying, “I may not be much but I am ALL that I think about!” What? An addict with an OVERinflated ego? Say it ain’t so! I don’t know about you, but I can certainly relate this  line (at least occasionally). <blush>

One of the ways that I’ve finally figured out that my ego is getting OVERinflated is when I find myself REALLY ANGRY (then ultimately resentful) for the seemingly smallest things that other people “do to me” To paraphrase another AA member , “The bigger the target, the easier it is to hit”. So true!

One of the things that would (normally) send my anger level into the stratosphere is when fast food drive-thru workers would get my WRONG. I just knew that they “were out to sabotage my excellent recovery efforts”. If you go thru many a fast food drive-thru lane you know how (if you are lucky) one in ten of your orders comes out wrong. So I’ve had LOTS of occasions to get pretty mad over the years — Once last year I even managed to use the terrible “F Bomb” when a fast food worker tried to INSIST on giving back to me the WRONG food ALONG WITH the food that I (finally!) had actually ordered (“Just give me the f—ing food that I ordered!” I yelled). <still blushing>

FINALLY, earlier this week, I “got it”!!!

At last I realized that NObody was trying to mess with my recovery (REALLY!!!) when I was handed a food item that I had NOT ordered.  When I went back to thru the lane I was given the CORRECT item that I ordered and was told to KEEP the item that was given to me INcorrectly…And yet I did NOT explode! It may not sound like a big deal, but for me this IS progress!!!

I’m so very thankful that someone finally told me that Health Department regulations PREVENT restaurant employees from serving food that (for any reason) has been returned to them. So when they say, “Go ahead and keep it (the WRONG food item)…” they probably would rather I eat it (or that I give it to someone else to eat) because the only other option is to throw it away.

Even if I feel “terribly weak” in my ability to NOT eat something that I was given in error, it is MY responsibility to take care of myself and NOT eat it. This really is NOT about what other people are doing to mess with me and sabotage my recovery efforts!  I (yes, me) CAN choose to throw away something BEFORE it enters into my mouth (”I may be powerLESS over food, but I’m NOT powerLESS over my elbows!!!). <amazed look>

And really, NO food is my “problem”…My “problem” is the DISEASE OF ADDICTION living INside of my body…NOT an INantimate piece of food that exists OUTside of my body. I have a program of recovery with LOTS of tools that CAN (and HAVE) help(ed) me defuse tense interactions with food.

 

Think…Write…Share

In a previous journal entry I shared about how IMPULSIVE I can be when it comes to food — not just “compulsive”, but also IMPULSIVE (e.g., On many occasions I’ve been known to grab food and insert it into my mouth withOUT eve consciously thinking about what I’m doing). Can anything STOP our IMPULSIVE behavior with food? Yes. But it definitely takes some work! It requires that we:
1. Think.
2. Write.
3. Share.

Many years ago I raad a suggestion that has, on many occasions, helped me stay sober (”stay sober” means that this suggestion is intended for ONLY those addicts who are already following a medically-approved food plan WHILE working the 12 Steps). The suggestion is simply: “THINK BEFORE you overeat…” (or, in my case, I can add “THINK BEFORE you avoid physical exercise”).

Before I share with you what it is that I “think” about, let me assure you that NO amount of thinking ONLY can keep a true addict from overeating and/or underexercising!!! Rather taking the time to think, write and share will help MUCH more than “only thinking” about the following questions and issues.

So whatever comes to you as you think on issues making you want to act out, PLEASE ALSO write these thoughts down AND share them with another addict (overeater or otherwise)!  Recovering addicts can help most, but even “drunk” addicts have even been known to help me (and in the process of my sharing, sometime I’m even able to help them).

To take the time to think, write and share  certainly takes discipline and effort, but it is well worth it! And remember what a wise gentleman once observed, “The only place where ’success’ comes before ‘work’ is in the dictionary.” And I’ve yet to meet an addict who had long-term recovery who didn’t have to work, One Day At A Time, at his recovery process!

Some things that help me to THINK about BEFORE I act out with my addiction…

Thinking About . . . FEELINGS
Many years ago one of my therapists stated that ALL of our feelings could be distilled down into just six catergories: mad, sad, glad, ashamed, afraid and hurt. So take the time to ask, “What am I FEELING at THIS moment? What FEELINGS would I like to stuff down with overeating and/or underexcising?”

If words or phrases come up that don’t fit “neatly” into the six feelings listed above, then match them up (as best you can) with those six feelings anyway.

Thinking About . . . RELATIONSHIPS
Is any person, place or thing “pushing your buttons” at this moment? Who? Why? Is it best/wisest to (using the Serenity Prayer as a guide here) to seek “the serenity to accept” OR ”the courage to change” your role in this relationiship concern? Have you prayed about this relationship?

 Thinking About . . . H,A.L.T.
Are you currently feeling “too…” Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Note that I’m NOT asking if you feel “a little” of any of these things — The issue is feeling “too much” of any of these four things.  And if you are Hungry, is it because you don’t have a healthy food plan to follow? Are you Hungry because maybe you REALLY DO NEED to eat?

Other things that I need to be careful to be feeling “too much” of: Stress, Fear, Confusion, Guilt, Rejection, Saddness and/or Shame. All of these items (H.A.L.T. plus the items in this additional list) are potentially triggers for active addiction.  Actually, IMHO, “too much” of ANYthing (including “too much unresolved horniness” — Yup!) can lead an addict to relapse.

 

Impulsive Overeating

Some people refer to themselves as “compulsive overeaters”. Others refer to themselves as “food addicts”.

Some people with a “food issue” make a big deal about how they identify themselves and insist that others identify themselves exactly the way they do when it comes to identifying problematic food-related behavior.

My position, when it comes to identifying my out-of-control food behavior, is that ultimately I’m an addict and that excessive food intake and avoidance of physical exercise are merely manifestations of my underlying addictive disorder. As I mentioned in a previous post, I tend to agree with a friend who believed that codependency was underneath every single self-destructive addiction.

Whatever.  How I identify my disorder isn’t all that important. What is important, IMHO, is what I’m doing about.

I’m certainly cmpulsive when it comes to food and exercise avoidance.

I’m definitely an addict when it comes to these two things.

I’m also very much of what I would call an “Impulsive Overeater”. “Impulsive” to the point that when I want to eat something (or want to avoid exercise) ALMOST NOTHING will stop from having my way!  If this isn’t a classic definition of “addiction” I don’t know what is! <blush> As I’ve also heard this reality described, we addicts, “want what we want when we want it — if not BEFORE!!!”

I can really relate to the following definitions of “impulse” and “impulsive”.

IMPULSE
* “Sudden, involuntary inclination prompting to action.”
* ”A sudden desire.”
* “A sudden pushing or driving force.”

IMPULSIVE
” Without forethought.”
* “Determined by chance or impulse or whim, rather than by necessity or reason.”
* “Characterized by undue haste and lack of thought or deliberation.”

Being impulsive explains a LOT about my behavior with food and exercise avoidance…especially with the food part of my addiction process! How many times it seemed almost if food MAGICALLY came FLYING into my mouth! No forethought, just an INSTANEOUS action took place, over which I felt powerLESS.

And when I am powerLESS, what a great place to “tap into the power” I find when working the 12 Steps, praying, working with other addicts! I find it of absolute importance that I share HONESTLY (with both God and other addicts) about at those moments when I want to act out in a self-destructive manner. Mentioning food and behaviors by names often does much to diminish the power of my self-destructive behaviors.

I bring up this issue of “impuslive overeating” because this issue is related to one of my few frustrations with the Weight Watchers POINTS food plan.

As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, I think the POINTS plan has to be one of the nutritionally-sanest food plans ever written. Because it is so very “sane” when it comes to nutrition, I have found it to be the easiest food plan I’ve ever tried to follow. This is NOT another “diet”. Given the variety and volume of food it allows me to consume, for the most part it is a sheer joy to follow. Figuring up the POINTS value of foods takes some work, but my experience is that most things in life that are worthwhile DO take work.

So when it comes to MY impulsiveness and working the POINTS food plan the “rub” is that I really can’t just “grab and inhale” any old food whenever I feel like it.  In order to honestly work the POINTS food plan I must know the POINTS value of every food item I consume. It doesn’t great math skills to work the POINTS food plan, but it DOES take some discipline. And discipline makes it pretty hard to act out impulsively with excess food! This is NOT necessarily a bad thing. The only problem is that my “addict within” doesn’t particularly care for this!

 

K.I.S.S.ing Along The Way: Day #3, O.D.A.A.T.

Don’t ya’ just love all of the “recovery speak” we 12 Step veterans bombard newscomers with! All of the acronyms, program slogans and terminology can indeed be at least a little bit confusing! An amusing story about this  issue was shared by a long-time sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous…

When my friend first came to AA he was pretty much in what he called a “rummy dummy state” — meaning that he had killed LOTS of brain cells over the course of DECADES of hard drinking…which left him in a state where it didn’t take much to confuse him!

The first AA meetings he attended took place in the living room of a member’s home (this is a very important detail). At each meeting he heard numerous references to the “AA program of recovery”.  After attending meetings for several weeks, he finally asked the group members WHEN (day and time) and WHAT CHANNEL carried the “AA program”! He connected the word “program” with the TV set that was sitting in the living room (which served as the AA meeting room) of the house where he was attending meetings! No wonder he was frustrated with waiting for the “program” to start!

Of course “program” and “program of recovery” refers to the 12 Steps that serves as the basis for recovery offered by Alcoholics Anonymous and all of the various 12 Step fellowships. So “the program” ain’t a TV show!

The subject line of this post refers to two recovery acronyms. So if you are a newbie to 12 Step recovery, allow me to explain them:

K.I.S.S. = “Keep It Simple, Stupid” (some politically correct 12 Step-revisionists have re-translated these letters to stand for “Keep It Simple, Sweetie” (as if to protect us from our low self-esteem). Funny, but I’ve never felt overly offended by the “Stupid” definition of the “second S.” in K.I.S.S. — Prior to recovery, “Stupid” was probably one of the NICEST things that I thought about myself! <blush>

I think “Stupid” is acceptable because what I understand this slogan to really be about is a wake-up call to my “addict within” that hey: you do NOT have ALL the answers, so you need to become “teachable”.  Not because I’m really all that “stupid”, but because (in my active addiction) I can be a pretty arrogant know-it-all (”arrogance” defined: “Making claims or pretensions to superior importance or rights; overbearingly assuming”.  Yup, sounds like me in the bad old days! <still blushing>

O.D.A.A.T., the other acronym used in the subject line of this post, refers to the principle of working on my recovery (JUST) One Day At A Time.  This reminds me that I need to keep my focus on the “hear and now” as I struggle to discern what is “just the NEXT right thing” I need to do to keep on track with my recovery process.

During my first 72 hours (3 days, O.D.A.A.T), I’m using the K.I.S.S. concept to help me remember to stay “teachable” (or what some call “open-minded”) to NEW and BETTER ways of thinking and acting that I had practiced in my active addiction. I’m using the O.D.A.A.T approach to recovery to keep me focused on NOW. My recovery program NEVER asks me for long-term commitments — just to work on today. Working MORE than JUST O.D.A.A.T. is good way to get scared, overwhelmed and downright stressed about recovery.

Some stress in recovery might be acceptable, but in my crAzY way of thinking (in the thinking of my “addict within”), I can get worked up way too much over way too little in no time at all. The good news is that if I can’t handle making it JUST O.D.A.A.T. it is perfectly acceptable to take things in my life/recovery in even SMALLER incriments than “one day” (e.g., 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or even just one hour at a time).

Despite my seasonal allergies, my body is a little less out of sorts today than it was yesterday. My mood is also much more stable today when  compared to 24 hours ago. To paraphrase a popular phrase in AA literature, “The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that”.

 

Back On Track: The First 72 Hours

Today is the first day AGAIN of my recovery journey!!!

By the grace of God I’m beginning again, after an approximately 11 week relapse that resulted in a 3.3 pound weight re-gain…Three of those “3.3 pounds” I re-lost over the past six days.  To clarify: While I had some success getting back on track over the past six days, TODAY is the FIRST day of REALLY doing this “recovery thing” right.

I “begin again” with a weight loss of 80 1/2 pounds below my top known weight (which was 510 pounds, circa in mid-1986).  My lowest known weight during this period of time (reached around 1990) was 335 pounds. At this afternoon’s weigh-in my weight was 429 1/2 pounds.

Don’t we addicts just LOVE “quoting our numbers” as if they are the ONLY evidence of our value as a person (or lack thereof).  I (and you too, if you are an addict) are so much more than the “numbers” the Scale Monster spits out at us! Weight loss (and gain/re-gain) numbers are important to keep track of to be sure (they serve to “mirror back” to us [and others] what our recovery (or relapse) looks like — but they are JUST one set of numbers to consider (waist size, cholesterol, triglycerides and many other “numbers” are also worth considering and have great significance in how we judge our recovery, IMHO).

In any case, the subject line of this entry refers to a concept I learned in my earliest days of recovery (circa 1977) from my first REAL sponsor in the Overeaters Anonymous (OA) fellowship (my ACTUAL first sponsor had to dump after just three days because her husband was jealous of me).  Back “in the day” we males were (at best) a really small minority within the OA fellowship, so my first several OA sponsors were FEmales out of sheer necessity.

My first “REAL sponsor” was actually the friend who first invited me to OA. M.C. (her initials, used to protect her anonymity) wisely taught me that the first 72 hours (= 3 days, lived JUST one day at a time) one attempts recovery are to marked by “cutting ourselves some slack”. While one of the definitions of this phrase that I’m familiar with means “…to allow for some latitude in enforcing the general guidelines…”, what M.C. was referring to specifically was the important of “being gentle” with ourselves in every way possible while focusing (or re-focusing) on our recovery process.

“Being  gentle” is pretty much a foreign concept to me, since (in addition to being an addict) I’m also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) type of co-dependent.  We ACOA types (and most all co-dependents for that matter) tend to “judge ourselves (and others?) withOUT mercy”, which means that if we don’t do whatever we’re doing PERFECTLY (and perfectionism often leads us feeling STRESSED, right?), then we usually don’t feel that whatever we are doing is “good enough”…and when we aren’t “good enough” we have an EXCUSE to give up and not try at all, right?

So for the first 72 hours of my recovery I’m remembering to be gentle with myself and avoiding (as much as humanly possible) all people and situations that typically/historically cause me stress (Stress, as we addicts know all-too-well) is a MAJOR trigger into active addiction.)

Also for the first 72 hours I’m NOT trying to over-do anything – even my recovery! Follow my food plan? Yes! (Thankfully the Weight Watchers POINTS food plan allows for variety, moderation and IMperfection — along with discipline). Follow my exercise plan? Yes! (BUT I’m NOT to become a “well-chisseled stud” overnight! MODERATION IN ALL THINGS — At least for the first 72 hours of continuous recovery!!!) And I’m NOT going to try to work ALL 12 Steps in one sitting — Working (re-working) Step One is a GREAT place to focus for at least the first 72 hours!

So as I detox from excess volumes of food and a lack of physical exercise, I’m working a plan of recovery, without (hopefully) the way I work it and the way I live my life in general becoming stubbling blocks to my recovery.

In the wisdom of the Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship, we addicts are reminded about the importantce of BALANCE in recovery: “Easy does it, but DO it” as a certain bumperstick reads (emphasis added).

Speaking of BALANCE, in addition to the AA phrase quoted above, I also remember the ACOA axiom that states, “I’m a ‘human BEing’ – NOT a ‘human DOing’”.

So in addition to being gentle with myself, what else MUST I do during the first 72 hours of recovery in order to experience authentic recovery (as opposed to just engaging in ”mental masturbation”) from my addiction? Here’s my Short List of MUST-Do’s:

1) Stop Overeating (which can best be done when following a moderate food plan, as approved by a health care professional familiar with one’s health situation/history).

2) Work An Exercise Plan (this is on my list because I’m addicted to “exercise avoidance”. Yet in order to experience a sane “lifestyle change” that will support HEALTHY weight loss and avoidance of weight re-gain, daily exercise is important. Just like my food plan, my exercise plan is approved by a health care professional familiar with my health situation/history).

3. Work With Other Addicts (Recovery isn’t done in isolation: “Together we can do what we could never do alone!”).

4. Work the 12 Steps, JUST ONE Step at a time.

5. Repeat #1 - # 4 as needed, one day at a time.

And if you aren’t familiar with the meaning of the phrase “mental masturbation”, here are three definitions I’ve found on the Interest today that my help you understand what it is and why it defeats authentic recovery…

“Intellectual activity that serves no practical purpose.”

“The act of engaging in useless yet intellectually stimulating conversation, usually as an excuse to avoid taking constructive action in your life.”

“The act of engaging in impractical/nonproductive mental exercise / thinkings / writings / etc., through which a practitioner only comforts oneself mentally. Such acts don’t lead to any constructive results what so ever in the real world.”

 

INsanity?!? No way!!!

Persons involved in 12 Step recovery are quick to point out that if we don’t remember all the pain, misery and outright INsanity of the last time we acted out with our “drug(s) of choice” we probably will act out with them again. For me as a food addict, I translate this thought as follows: If I can’t remember my last food binge, I haven’t probably haven’t had it yet. In other words, I probably have at least one more binge inside of me just waiting to pop out and make a train wreck out of my recovery.

While it wasn’t my last binge, one of the most bizarre ones from around 1985, came to mind when I found the picture posted at the top of this entry while recently cruising the Internet.

Drinking a little Diet Coke makes our OVEReating all OK, right? Not hardly.

It certainly didn’t make it “OK” the night that I ate 19 pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Cole Slaw, Baked Beans, Biscuits, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy and who knows whatever other “KFC sides” I inhaled along with the GALLONS of DIET COKE I had with my “dinner”.

BTW, real addicts might eat 20 pieces or more of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I STOPPED AT ONLY 19!!! Such moderation is something to be truly admired!

No way that OVEReating is a form of INsanity. Right. <blush>

After all, drinking Diet Coke probably IS a little bit healthier than drinking regular sugary soft drinks, right? And drinking DIET Coke is an “incremental step” toward living a healthier lifestyle, right?

Heck I recall one Weight Watchers leader quoting a news article about “lifestyle changes” that claimed it was possible to lose nearly fifteen pounds over the course of one year if you just drink one less 12 ounce cain of sugary soft drinks each day (Do the math: 365 days X one 12 oz. can less per day = 15 pounds weight loss).

We food addicts are sooooo incredibly sane, aren’t we?!?

You see, drinking Diet Coke alone is not the same thing as following a balanced, moderate food plan and moderately exercising, one day at a time.

Just for today, I have a plan of recovery (food plan, exercise plan, support network and life philosphy) which includes/allows Diet Coke (and other sugar-free soft drinks) to be consumed. But Diet Coke alone is not what has allowed me to now lose nearly 81 pounds.

But I have to admit, Diet Coke does taste great with chocolate!!!

 

I’m Glad You Asked!!!

A visitor to my blog, identified as “deb3283″, posted the following comment/question regarding the H.O.W. Movement within the Overeaters Anonymous fellowship. Her comments were originally posted in a space that was intended for responses to the entry “8 Calls Within 21 Hours…“.

So as to not confuse the topic of the subject matter (which has nothing directly to do with Weight Watchers), I’ve moved her comments to the body of this entry. My response will follow.

deb3283 writes…

I recently read your writing(s) regarding H.O.W. and the rules and regulations imposed by this “cult”. I am very interested in your thoughts here, as I just finished speaking with my therapist re “O.A. vs. H.O.W.”

Though I have been able to give up sugar (such an addiction for me) and white flour, I am just not able to feel one bit healthy on their food plan. I don’t feel comfortable in the meetings either, though I am a long term member of AA. I have gained weight in the 2 years of attending my weekly HOW meetings. They seem to focus more on the rules/regulations/stringent food plan and “positive 3 minute pitches” then the root problems of compulsive eaters (shame/body image/prior eating disorder behavior, etc). I just wanted to get your further thoughts on this as I am attempting to make a decision whether to continue (and edging toward O.A., frankly). Thanks so much. — Deborah

Dave (a/k/a OveractiveFork) responds…

What I believe you are referring to is something that I shared on my One Bite Fellowship website (www.onebite.net). I’m glad you’ve asked my thoughts, because at some point I should definitely post that information here on OveractiveFork.My four cents worth (as adjusted for inflation) on this topic goes like this…

The so-called “H.O.W. movement”, as found within Overeaters Anonymous as well as the basis for several other 12 Step fellowships, is DANGEROUS on many levels.

Nutritional Danger: Food plans, IMHO, should never be written/prescribed by fellow addicts. Yet H.O.W., in it’s various incarnations, continues to offer a food plan that was originally written by someone other than a nutritionist.

Over the decades since it was first written, it has been re-written by dozens of other addicts — so when they push their so-called “perfect food plan” down our throats, it is only fair to point out that what they have is probably NOT the original Grey Sheet food plan written by an Overeaters Anonymous member back in the early 1960’s. So how do they know that their version is the most perfect, let alone ONLY food plan appropriate for all addicts? Where is the logic?

IMHO, no addict has any business  to write or promote a food plan. Food plans should ONLY be written by a medical profesional. While we trust professionals to assist us with our recovery, we addicts should remain focused on living and working the 12 Steps, one day at a time.

Emotional Danger: Everything that has originated within the H.O.W. movement is emotionally toxic!!! Just two examples:

1) H.O.W. oldtimers tell newcomers all the time that they should take the H.O.W. food plan to a “health care PROFESSIONAL” and abide by that person’s guidance — yet they shun, verbally abuse and even outright harrass members who were told by the professional that they consulted to NOT follow such a rigid, low-carbohydrate food plan. This is abusive…No addict deserves to be treated inappropriately just because another addict (= fellow insane person) does not approve of her/his food plan!

2) To insist on “positive pitches” is just another way to say to us that we need to “stuff our (authentic) feelings” — Wasn’t that what we were already doing (e.g., stuffing down our pain) with excessive amounts of food?!? Thanks, but I don’t think that the “face of a person in recovery” should go around with a fake smile plastered on his/her face!

We only begin to change when we have the ability/freedom to get REAL about our feelings. “Positive pitches” aren’t about being real. Insisting on “positive pitches” is a way of shaming others for their very REAL feelings.

Spiritual Danger: Nearly EVERYthing that the H.O.W. movement REALLY believes and stands for is in direct contradiction to the principles found within the 12 Traditions. Coercion, control (a/k/a rules and regulations) and abuse don’t mix well with spiritually-sane recovery.

I hope you RUN far away from the drama and insanity that the H.O.W. movement offers in the name of recovery and stick with traditional OA! OA may have its problems (perhaps it doesn’t offer enough structure that most of us need?), but what it offers seems to be MUCH saner than anything the H.O.W. extremists have to offer.

Tanslation to non-12-Steppers: “H.O.W.” is a reference to the 12 Step approach to recovery known as Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness. I’ve always found it rather arrogant that this movement makes use of a name that would infer that they have the corner on these virtues! Isn’t grandiosity a character defect?

Maybe my “Weight Loss Buddy” would feel more at home in a H.O.W. group that she does in Weight Watchers? <big evil grin>

 

“Weight Loss Buddy” Vs. “Weight Loss Control Freak”

I’m an addict — excessive amounts of food and avoidance of physical exercise are my “drugs of choice” — and my problem is Dave!

<<< Group Responds: “Hi, Dave and welcome!!!” >>>

Several days ago I received a call from a friend who shares my struggle with food addiction and exercise avoidance. She called to inform me that SHE DECIDED…

– that WE were going to be “Weight Loss Buddies” beginning the first week of January 2008.

– that WE would be attending TOGETHER the Monday Weight Watchers meeting in my neighborhood that takes place barely one block from where I live.

…that WE were pretty much going to eat and exercise ALIKE.

…It even sounded as if she expected US to even think ALIKE (or, more like I would think JUST LIKE HER!).

This ain’t a healthy relationship, people! What she proposes is more like a “codependent clingfest” where she is my Drill Sergeant! With a “friend” like her offering me “support” (as well meaning as she certainly is), I probably could easily cultivate TONS of resentments to lead me back to OVEReatomg and enough DEPRESSION to make me want to be even more lethargic than I already am!

I know: NO excuse will do for bad choices. I also know that my friend’s prouncements about this “weight loss buddy” thing sounds extremely co-dependent as evidenced by her DISrespect for my boundaries/choices.

If you read any of my other journal entries, you know that I believe it is a BIG NO NO for one addict to dictate to another addict about the choice of a food plan or exercise plan! I’ve found it best to leave to PROFESSIONALS (or at least Weight Watchers) decisions that should NEVER be made by a “fellow crazy person” (e.g., fellow addict — “When it comes to food, we are stragely INsane” = Don’t hire a pyromaniac to work as a fire fighter!).

The concept of a “weight loss buddy” is fine. In fact, it is a GOOD thing to have a friend in recovery to share experience, strength and hope with on a regular (if not daily basis).

But make decisions for their buddy?  Nope. Each addict is responsible for his own decisions. Smart decisions and dumb decisions. Healthy decisions and toxic decisions. Each of us addicts even have a right to make NO decision(s) — which is/are decision(s) in themselves!

In 12 Step recovery the concept that comes closest to what my friend calls a “weight loss buddy” is what is known as a “sponsor”. A sponsor is someone who usually has a longer term of recovery than their sponsee. My experience is that most people who work with a “buddy” usually have nearly the same length of recovery as the person they are working with (i.e., for overeaters this means that they both usually began their dieting effort at the same time).

Thanks, but I don’t “do diets” these days! I love the newest Weight Watchers slogan: “Stop dieting. Start living.” Amen!

For me, speaking as an addict, diets never really did work for me, don’t work for me now and NEVER will work for me. They make work for my friend and they may work for you (More power to y’all!), but they do NOT work for me.

What DOES work for me is experiencing a “spiritual awakening” followed by a “lifestyle change” and change of life philosophy — that, with God’s help and the support of other addicts — I work just ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is what is working for me NOW and what I’ve wittnessed working for countless other addicts over the years (regarless of their “drug of choice”).

I love the concept of sponsorship as it is taught and practiced within Narcotics Anonymous. My approach to working with my “Weight Loss Buddy” (Yes, I’m going to work with her — one meeting and one day at a time!) is influenced by the following quotes from N.A. literature…

“Over time, being a sponsor can help us learn how to listen without judgment, accept without conditions, and love without expectations. In many ways, sponsorship teaches us how to develop and maintain healthy relationships.”

Wow! “Listen withOUT judgment”, “accept withOUT conditions and love withOUT expectations — what concepts! Not only can this approach help me “develop and maintain healthy relationships” (with my Weight Loss Buddy and others), it also goes a long way to helping me overcome tendencies to become a “control freak” — Hey, I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, so I learned how to be a “control freak” at an early age (at least I got these tendencies “honestly”, huh?).

When I first laid eyes on a checklist of common characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics back in the mid-1980’s), I thought it was a PERFECT description of myself as well as MOST of the folks I’d met in the meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. Hence to this day I believe that the “primary addiction” most of us addicts have is the addiction to CONTROL others (which sounds a like codependency to moi!) and our “drug(s) of choice” is more of a “secondary issue”.

Back to Narcotics Anonymous literature as it discusses the concept of sponorship…

“A sponsor is a recovering addict in the program of Narcotics Anonymous; someone we can trust to share our life experiences with (both good and bad); a person to whom we can go with our problems that may be too personal to share with the group. It is suggested that a sponsor be someone who has practice in working the Twelve Steps and is involved in the program. Primarily, a sponsor is a guide through the Twelve Steps of recovery.”

It sounds like to me that a sponsor must have a gentle spirit — one that allows their sponsee to be honest/real/transparent.  without fear of recrimination. Could it be that a sponsee should never fear being scolded,  nagged or screamed at by their sponsor? Me thinks so.

Sponsors (and even Weight Loss Buddies) must keep their own recovery as their primary focus. Sponsors have a right to maintain their own boundaries (“We carry the message, not the addict.”) Sponsor then “are not reformers, preachers of the gospel, welfare workers, part-time social workers, marriage counselors, money lenders, employment counselors, or parole officers.”

I have this knot in the pit of my stomach accompanied by the intutitive sense that tells me that that sooner (rather than later) I’ll need to gently confront my Weight Loss Buddy about my boundaries and about what IS MY business and where she needs to let go of control.

I’ll let you know how this relationship works out.