The First 72 Hours: Day #2 — One Day At A Time

Dave announces: “I’m an addict and my problem is Dave!…ingesting excessive amounts of food and avoiding physical exercise are my drugs of choice!”

Group responds: “Hi Dave and welcome!”

Dave continues…

By the grace of God, who is GREATER than my limited understanding of Him, I am still “back on track” for my second consecutive day of recovery from my recent relapse. Overall yesterday went very well and today is going really good too!

Have I experienced “cravings” to OVEReat? Yes. Have I desired to AVOID exercise at all costs? Definitely. Yet God’s grace has kept me on track and given (quite literally) the ability to do (with His strength) what I could NOT do for myself.

I’ve also been strengthened by my willingness to reach out to other addicts — this blog is one way I do that, phone calls and in person visits also help. Sure, fellow addicts can be a source of irritation (after all, we’re ALL SCREWED UP TO SOME DEGREE OR ANOTHER, RIGHT?), but many times I’ve found that the very issues that cause such irritatioin can be turned around so that they can actually help my recovery effort (e.g., what I usually find most irritating in other addicts is often the very same areas of brokenness that I need to deal with — NOTE that I did not say that I “want” to deal with!).

Yesterday I reached out to one addict in person, made one phone call and worked on this blog. Thus far today I’ve made one phone call and am working on this blog.

Other addicts may be able to experience recovery while in isolation from other addicts, but what I know is that my recovery effort is MUCH easier when I reach out for support.

A word about phone calls: When I get an addict’s answering machine or voicemail, my making the call AND leaving a message COUNTS toward what I consider to be my effort to reach out to other addicts. I’ve done my part and that is the important thing — since what I do (not what others do or don’t do) is what I can control. I mention all of this only because I used to not consider my attempts to reach out as being “good enough” unless the other person either answered their phone or returned my call.

Reaching out to God for support is even more important (than reaching out to others) to the success of my recovery effort. Yet God always leads me to reach out to other people. I definitely believe than “an addict alone is in bad company”.

What else is helping?  Prayer…Reading recovery-supportive literature…Listening to uplifting music…Remembering to “H.A.L.T.” before I get over-stressed with living “life on life’s terms”.  “H.A.L.T.” is a 12 Step reminder to STOP/HALT BEFORE I get “too…” Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (or really “too…” much of ANYthing that (like these four things) can set me up for relapse.

Today I’m (physically) feeling pretty rough. Between seasonal allergies (a/k/a “The Ohio Valley Creeping Crud”) and what I call “detox issues” caused by (healthy) changes in my food intake, coupled with the more intense emotions I feel when I’m not stuffing down my emotions with excess food, I’m pretty much “a basket case-waiting-to-happen” — Just For Today!

And when I’m feeling like a “a basket case-waiting-to-happen” thats all the MORE reason for me to practice the H.A.L.T. principle and remember that during my first 72 hours I really must “cut myself some slack” and remember to relax!

 

Back On Track: The First 72 Hours

Today is the first day AGAIN of my recovery journey!!!

By the grace of God I’m beginning again, after an approximately 11 week relapse that resulted in a 3.3 pound weight re-gain…Three of those “3.3 pounds” I re-lost over the past six days.  To clarify: While I had some success getting back on track over the past six days, TODAY is the FIRST day of REALLY doing this “recovery thing” right.

I “begin again” with a weight loss of 80 1/2 pounds below my top known weight (which was 510 pounds, circa in mid-1986).  My lowest known weight during this period of time (reached around 1990) was 335 pounds. At this afternoon’s weigh-in my weight was 429 1/2 pounds.

Don’t we addicts just LOVE “quoting our numbers” as if they are the ONLY evidence of our value as a person (or lack thereof).  I (and you too, if you are an addict) are so much more than the “numbers” the Scale Monster spits out at us! Weight loss (and gain/re-gain) numbers are important to keep track of to be sure (they serve to “mirror back” to us [and others] what our recovery (or relapse) looks like — but they are JUST one set of numbers to consider (waist size, cholesterol, triglycerides and many other “numbers” are also worth considering and have great significance in how we judge our recovery, IMHO).

In any case, the subject line of this entry refers to a concept I learned in my earliest days of recovery (circa 1977) from my first REAL sponsor in the Overeaters Anonymous (OA) fellowship (my ACTUAL first sponsor had to dump after just three days because her husband was jealous of me).  Back “in the day” we males were (at best) a really small minority within the OA fellowship, so my first several OA sponsors were FEmales out of sheer necessity.

My first “REAL sponsor” was actually the friend who first invited me to OA. M.C. (her initials, used to protect her anonymity) wisely taught me that the first 72 hours (= 3 days, lived JUST one day at a time) one attempts recovery are to marked by “cutting ourselves some slack”. While one of the definitions of this phrase that I’m familiar with means “…to allow for some latitude in enforcing the general guidelines…”, what M.C. was referring to specifically was the important of “being gentle” with ourselves in every way possible while focusing (or re-focusing) on our recovery process.

“Being  gentle” is pretty much a foreign concept to me, since (in addition to being an addict) I’m also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) type of co-dependent.  We ACOA types (and most all co-dependents for that matter) tend to “judge ourselves (and others?) withOUT mercy”, which means that if we don’t do whatever we’re doing PERFECTLY (and perfectionism often leads us feeling STRESSED, right?), then we usually don’t feel that whatever we are doing is “good enough”…and when we aren’t “good enough” we have an EXCUSE to give up and not try at all, right?

So for the first 72 hours of my recovery I’m remembering to be gentle with myself and avoiding (as much as humanly possible) all people and situations that typically/historically cause me stress (Stress, as we addicts know all-too-well) is a MAJOR trigger into active addiction.)

Also for the first 72 hours I’m NOT trying to over-do anything – even my recovery! Follow my food plan? Yes! (Thankfully the Weight Watchers POINTS food plan allows for variety, moderation and IMperfection — along with discipline). Follow my exercise plan? Yes! (BUT I’m NOT to become a “well-chisseled stud” overnight! MODERATION IN ALL THINGS — At least for the first 72 hours of continuous recovery!!!) And I’m NOT going to try to work ALL 12 Steps in one sitting — Working (re-working) Step One is a GREAT place to focus for at least the first 72 hours!

So as I detox from excess volumes of food and a lack of physical exercise, I’m working a plan of recovery, without (hopefully) the way I work it and the way I live my life in general becoming stubbling blocks to my recovery.

In the wisdom of the Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship, we addicts are reminded about the importantce of BALANCE in recovery: “Easy does it, but DO it” as a certain bumperstick reads (emphasis added).

Speaking of BALANCE, in addition to the AA phrase quoted above, I also remember the ACOA axiom that states, “I’m a ‘human BEing’ – NOT a ‘human DOing’”.

So in addition to being gentle with myself, what else MUST I do during the first 72 hours of recovery in order to experience authentic recovery (as opposed to just engaging in ”mental masturbation”) from my addiction? Here’s my Short List of MUST-Do’s:

1) Stop Overeating (which can best be done when following a moderate food plan, as approved by a health care professional familiar with one’s health situation/history).

2) Work An Exercise Plan (this is on my list because I’m addicted to “exercise avoidance”. Yet in order to experience a sane “lifestyle change” that will support HEALTHY weight loss and avoidance of weight re-gain, daily exercise is important. Just like my food plan, my exercise plan is approved by a health care professional familiar with my health situation/history).

3. Work With Other Addicts (Recovery isn’t done in isolation: “Together we can do what we could never do alone!”).

4. Work the 12 Steps, JUST ONE Step at a time.

5. Repeat #1 - # 4 as needed, one day at a time.

And if you aren’t familiar with the meaning of the phrase “mental masturbation”, here are three definitions I’ve found on the Interest today that my help you understand what it is and why it defeats authentic recovery…

“Intellectual activity that serves no practical purpose.”

“The act of engaging in useless yet intellectually stimulating conversation, usually as an excuse to avoid taking constructive action in your life.”

“The act of engaging in impractical/nonproductive mental exercise / thinkings / writings / etc., through which a practitioner only comforts oneself mentally. Such acts don’t lead to any constructive results what so ever in the real world.”

 

“Weight Loss Buddy” Vs. “Weight Loss Control Freak”

I’m an addict — excessive amounts of food and avoidance of physical exercise are my “drugs of choice” — and my problem is Dave!

<<< Group Responds: “Hi, Dave and welcome!!!” >>>

Several days ago I received a call from a friend who shares my struggle with food addiction and exercise avoidance. She called to inform me that SHE DECIDED…

– that WE were going to be “Weight Loss Buddies” beginning the first week of January 2008.

– that WE would be attending TOGETHER the Monday Weight Watchers meeting in my neighborhood that takes place barely one block from where I live.

…that WE were pretty much going to eat and exercise ALIKE.

…It even sounded as if she expected US to even think ALIKE (or, more like I would think JUST LIKE HER!).

This ain’t a healthy relationship, people! What she proposes is more like a “codependent clingfest” where she is my Drill Sergeant! With a “friend” like her offering me “support” (as well meaning as she certainly is), I probably could easily cultivate TONS of resentments to lead me back to OVEReatomg and enough DEPRESSION to make me want to be even more lethargic than I already am!

I know: NO excuse will do for bad choices. I also know that my friend’s prouncements about this “weight loss buddy” thing sounds extremely co-dependent as evidenced by her DISrespect for my boundaries/choices.

If you read any of my other journal entries, you know that I believe it is a BIG NO NO for one addict to dictate to another addict about the choice of a food plan or exercise plan! I’ve found it best to leave to PROFESSIONALS (or at least Weight Watchers) decisions that should NEVER be made by a “fellow crazy person” (e.g., fellow addict — “When it comes to food, we are stragely INsane” = Don’t hire a pyromaniac to work as a fire fighter!).

The concept of a “weight loss buddy” is fine. In fact, it is a GOOD thing to have a friend in recovery to share experience, strength and hope with on a regular (if not daily basis).

But make decisions for their buddy?  Nope. Each addict is responsible for his own decisions. Smart decisions and dumb decisions. Healthy decisions and toxic decisions. Each of us addicts even have a right to make NO decision(s) — which is/are decision(s) in themselves!

In 12 Step recovery the concept that comes closest to what my friend calls a “weight loss buddy” is what is known as a “sponsor”. A sponsor is someone who usually has a longer term of recovery than their sponsee. My experience is that most people who work with a “buddy” usually have nearly the same length of recovery as the person they are working with (i.e., for overeaters this means that they both usually began their dieting effort at the same time).

Thanks, but I don’t “do diets” these days! I love the newest Weight Watchers slogan: “Stop dieting. Start living.” Amen!

For me, speaking as an addict, diets never really did work for me, don’t work for me now and NEVER will work for me. They make work for my friend and they may work for you (More power to y’all!), but they do NOT work for me.

What DOES work for me is experiencing a “spiritual awakening” followed by a “lifestyle change” and change of life philosophy — that, with God’s help and the support of other addicts — I work just ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is what is working for me NOW and what I’ve wittnessed working for countless other addicts over the years (regarless of their “drug of choice”).

I love the concept of sponsorship as it is taught and practiced within Narcotics Anonymous. My approach to working with my “Weight Loss Buddy” (Yes, I’m going to work with her — one meeting and one day at a time!) is influenced by the following quotes from N.A. literature…

“Over time, being a sponsor can help us learn how to listen without judgment, accept without conditions, and love without expectations. In many ways, sponsorship teaches us how to develop and maintain healthy relationships.”

Wow! “Listen withOUT judgment”, “accept withOUT conditions and love withOUT expectations — what concepts! Not only can this approach help me “develop and maintain healthy relationships” (with my Weight Loss Buddy and others), it also goes a long way to helping me overcome tendencies to become a “control freak” — Hey, I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, so I learned how to be a “control freak” at an early age (at least I got these tendencies “honestly”, huh?).

When I first laid eyes on a checklist of common characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics back in the mid-1980’s), I thought it was a PERFECT description of myself as well as MOST of the folks I’d met in the meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. Hence to this day I believe that the “primary addiction” most of us addicts have is the addiction to CONTROL others (which sounds a like codependency to moi!) and our “drug(s) of choice” is more of a “secondary issue”.

Back to Narcotics Anonymous literature as it discusses the concept of sponorship…

“A sponsor is a recovering addict in the program of Narcotics Anonymous; someone we can trust to share our life experiences with (both good and bad); a person to whom we can go with our problems that may be too personal to share with the group. It is suggested that a sponsor be someone who has practice in working the Twelve Steps and is involved in the program. Primarily, a sponsor is a guide through the Twelve Steps of recovery.”

It sounds like to me that a sponsor must have a gentle spirit — one that allows their sponsee to be honest/real/transparent.  without fear of recrimination. Could it be that a sponsee should never fear being scolded,  nagged or screamed at by their sponsor? Me thinks so.

Sponsors (and even Weight Loss Buddies) must keep their own recovery as their primary focus. Sponsors have a right to maintain their own boundaries (“We carry the message, not the addict.”) Sponsor then “are not reformers, preachers of the gospel, welfare workers, part-time social workers, marriage counselors, money lenders, employment counselors, or parole officers.”

I have this knot in the pit of my stomach accompanied by the intutitive sense that tells me that that sooner (rather than later) I’ll need to gently confront my Weight Loss Buddy about my boundaries and about what IS MY business and where she needs to let go of control.

I’ll let you know how this relationship works out.

 

To My Own Self Be True

I haven’t mentioned this elsewhere on my blog, but in February 2006 I was diagnosed as being a Type 2 Diabetic. Diabetics are much more likely than non-diabetics to develop other serious health problems, including heart and kidney disease.

Keeping in mind my health history,  coupled with my addictions to both OVEReat and UNDERexercise, I am today committing (one day at a time) to make the following small (but I think important) changes in what I eat and how much I exercise. These changes are well within the guidelines of my Weight Watchers’ POINTS food plan and directions given me by various physical therapists over the years.

One day at a time, I commit to…

– Stop eating french fries and onion rings.   They have virtually NO nutritional value, regardless of the type of oil in which they are deep-fried. And I surely do NOT need the TON of SALT that fast food restaurants (especially McDonald’s) pour on their french fries!

– Start eating MORE green vegetables,

– Eat a garden salad three or more days per week.

– Start eating/drinking MORE Vitamin C-rich fruits.

– DO physical exercise for at least 15 minutes each day, every day, NO MATTER WHAT!

– Eat fish and white meat MORE often, while eating LESS red meat.

Am I “excited” about making any of these changes? NO WAY!!! I’m just being honest (”Nothing ever changes until it becomes what it is.”) AND am seeking God’s grace to make these changes.

“God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannont change…the courage to change the things I can…and the wisdom to know the difference — even when I do NOT feel like doing these things. In Jesus’ name. Amen!”

And what if I don’t PERFECTLY adhere to my commitment? Then I have another prayer, known as The Serenity Prayer - Part 2, to pray:

“God, grant me patience with the changes that take time, an appreciation for all that I have, a tolerance for those with different struggles and the strength to get up and try again . . . One Day At A Time. In Jesus’ name. Amen!”

 

It Began In Gym Classs: Exercise Avoidance

Up to this point, my journal entries have mostly dealt with the food addiction side of what I call my “double-sided addiction”.  Along with overeating, I find myself equally addicted to to avoiding physical exercise at all costs.

Food addiction combined with exercise avoidance combines to make for a very UNhealthy lifestyle! Ya’ think!?! :-) For me, these two addictions really “feed” into each other (pun intended): the more I overeat, the less I want to exercise…the less I exercise, the less I care about my physical appearance and overall well-being — hence I can easily get to the point where I don’t really care about what (or how much) I’m (over)eating.

Because of my double-sided addiction, I really needed a program like Weight Watchers that addresses BOTH what (and how much) I’m eating and how (and how often/much) I’m moving my body.

Kudos not only to Weight Watchers, but also to Richard Simmons! He is now championing the cause of promoting physical exercise in the schools — along with continuing to promote healthy eating habits starting at an early age! (To this day, Richard’s “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” videos provide me with an enjoyable method to engage in physical exercise.)

Speaking of starting/stopping addiction “at an early age”…At the same time that I was learning to medicate my emotions with excess food, I was developing a fear and loathing of gym class. I detested just about every gym teacher I ever had throughout grade, junior high and high school!

Gym class particpaption also greatly increased my feelings of shame. Being the fattest kid in my class, I could pretty much count on being picked LAST when classmates were instructed to select team members for a particular sport. Nothing like feeling UNwanted and UNwelcome!

As if the pain of being chosen last wasn’t enough to deal with while I was growing up, all I have to do is tune in to The Biggest Loser or some other competition-driven weight loss TV show, to see adults engaging in the same sort of shaming behavior! Nothing against competition per se, but being chosen last for a team ALWAYS hurts. Always.

I share about the emotional pain that gym class caused me NOT to blame it on my pattern of exercise avoidance, but simply to point out that this addiction (like my food addiction) has been with me most of my life. I’m NOT currently enrolled in school, so my abhorance of gym class from school days has NOTHING whatsoever to do with ”why” exercise avoidance is one of my “addiction issues” as an adult.

When it comes to overeating and underexercising, I find that perfectionistic thinking can fuel me to act out with both of these behaviors (Exercise-related perfectionistic thoughts: “If I can’t exercise at the level of an Olympic athelete, why bother?” “If I’m always going to have ‘big hairy fat man’s titties’ instead of a ’six pack’ to show the world, why care?” — Food-related perfectionistic thoughts: “If I can’t lose at least five-or-more pounds per week, why follow this food plan?” “I only lost two pounds last week?…Where’s the nearest all-you-can-binge buffet?”).

I’m glad that a Weight Watchers’ leader shared the following quote that helps challenge my perfectionistic thinking: “Perfection(ism) leaves no room for growth.” Hopefully even in my most twisted thinking I can realize that I have plenty of room for growth and that my best efforts really are “good enough”.

Now there’s an insight into perfectionisting thinking and behavior: I grew up believing that NOTHING I ever did was “good enough”. So no wonder my best eating behavior and exercise effort usually don’t feel “good enough”. And when another (perfectionistic) addict comes along to question/show disrespect for my “best” effort? The “addict-to-addict shaming, blaming and undermining game” only undermines my best effort (”If my ‘best’ isn’t as good as his best, then why try?”.

One of the tools I use to help challenge my perfectionistic thinking is a quote from a leader in the co-dependency movement: “I’m a human being, NOT a human doing.” The Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley had a cute (but sometimes irritating) affirmation to challenge his perfectionism: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and dog-gone-it, people like me!”

The real issue (always) is: Do I like me? Do I like me enough to respect my best effort? Do I like it enough to have something less than a “six pack” and a body fat percentage greater than most professional atheletes?

Today I don’t follow a “diet” — I follow a “food plan”.

Today I don’t do “exercise” — I do “physical movement”.

“Physical movement” is to “exercise” as “food plan” is to “diet” — e.g., a new name for a behavior that used to cause me a senseless amount of pain. These new behaviors don’t just have a new name, they also comes with a healthier set of rules and boundaries — which less to LESS senseless pain that I used to experience with the old behaviors.

Today, as I follow my food plan, I give myself permission to do a reasonable amount of physical movement each day.

Today I choose to check with professionals to make sure that my perfectionism is NOT driving me to do “too much” exercise for my own good. Pushing myself too hard (with food or exercise) only leads me to experience burn-out and (ultimately) fuels excuses to return to my old addictive behavior(s).

Today walking, lifting two pound weights, working out with Richard Simmons’ videos and doing exercises prescribed for me (in amounts/within limitations prescribed for me) by physical therapists provides me with a moderate, safe and sane approach to physical movement.