Feelings: To Feel Them Or Stuff Them Down, That Is THE Question!

Many years ago I had a pastor who impressed me with both his great wisdom and delightful sense of humor. He would often quip that he had been known to “cry at supermarket grand openings”!

I can relate to his comment — at least at times. Sometimes I cry with little or no provocation. At other times I do a pretty good job at “stuffing down” my feelings — ALL feelings — including feelings that lead to tears.

I’ve heard it said of food addicts that if we don’t “Face Our Stuff” we’ll (eventually) ”Stuff Our Face”. I’ve found this is VERY true in the sense that some of my most painful feelings have surfaced during periods of sane eating.

How vividly the lyrics of Simon And Garfunkel’s song I Am A Rock captures the emotional pain that many of us addicts have tried to stuff down…

“I am a rock.
I am an island.
I’ve built walls –
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate…
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain….
I touch no one and no one touches me…
And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.”

As a recovering co-dependent, feeling MY feelings should NOT be too difficult a task to handle since (in active co-dependency) I had NO problem feeling EVERYone else’s feelings. But the reality has been that running from, denying and stuffing down (”stuffing” comes about with my ingesting EXCESS amounts of food) MY OWN feelings has been my pattern.

Many years ago I heard it explained that feelings, also referred to as “emotions” , are “energy-in-motion” (think “e-motions”). My understanding is that ingesting any any mood-or-mind-altering substance can (and does) “block” the processing of emotions. Hence the state of “emotional constipation” that many of us addicts experienced during out days of active addiction.

I don’t know why, but feeling MY feelings CAN seem overwhelming. At times I’ve found myself wondering if I was going to “e-mote to death” by allowing myself to feel my feelings!

The Overeaters Anonymous brochure entitled, A Plan Of Eating: A Tool for Living - One Day at a Time (Copyright 1988, 2001, 2005 Overeaters Anonymous, Incorporated. All rights reserved.), addresses the connection between food and emotions with these words:

“For a compulsive overeater, eating is attached to emotions. We are never fully satisfied, no matter how much we eat, because we are eating for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons. We eat for excitement, love celebration, loneliness, escape, pleasure and comfort. We devour food to anesthetize ourselves. We eat out of anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, fear, pride, guilt and grief.”

The good news is that, through working the 12 Steps, I’ve actually been able to discover/uncover whatever feelings I’ve been stuffing down with excess food. Through working the 12 Steps while working with other addicts I’ve found the strength to NOT act out with food in an addictve, compulsive or impulsive manner, despite feeling some intense and pretty crappy emotions!

Recovery doesn’t magically protect me from feeling painful feelings. Recovery gives me the strength and courage to discover, feel and then move beyond my feelings without the need to swallow excessive amounts of food or avoid physical exercise. How does all of this work? One Day, One Step and One Feeling at a time!

 

The First 72 Hours: Day #2 — One Day At A Time

Dave announces: “I’m an addict and my problem is Dave!…ingesting excessive amounts of food and avoiding physical exercise are my drugs of choice!”

Group responds: “Hi Dave and welcome!”

Dave continues…

By the grace of God, who is GREATER than my limited understanding of Him, I am still “back on track” for my second consecutive day of recovery from my recent relapse. Overall yesterday went very well and today is going really good too!

Have I experienced “cravings” to OVEReat? Yes. Have I desired to AVOID exercise at all costs? Definitely. Yet God’s grace has kept me on track and given (quite literally) the ability to do (with His strength) what I could NOT do for myself.

I’ve also been strengthened by my willingness to reach out to other addicts — this blog is one way I do that, phone calls and in person visits also help. Sure, fellow addicts can be a source of irritation (after all, we’re ALL SCREWED UP TO SOME DEGREE OR ANOTHER, RIGHT?), but many times I’ve found that the very issues that cause such irritatioin can be turned around so that they can actually help my recovery effort (e.g., what I usually find most irritating in other addicts is often the very same areas of brokenness that I need to deal with — NOTE that I did not say that I “want” to deal with!).

Yesterday I reached out to one addict in person, made one phone call and worked on this blog. Thus far today I’ve made one phone call and am working on this blog.

Other addicts may be able to experience recovery while in isolation from other addicts, but what I know is that my recovery effort is MUCH easier when I reach out for support.

A word about phone calls: When I get an addict’s answering machine or voicemail, my making the call AND leaving a message COUNTS toward what I consider to be my effort to reach out to other addicts. I’ve done my part and that is the important thing — since what I do (not what others do or don’t do) is what I can control. I mention all of this only because I used to not consider my attempts to reach out as being “good enough” unless the other person either answered their phone or returned my call.

Reaching out to God for support is even more important (than reaching out to others) to the success of my recovery effort. Yet God always leads me to reach out to other people. I definitely believe than “an addict alone is in bad company”.

What else is helping?  Prayer…Reading recovery-supportive literature…Listening to uplifting music…Remembering to “H.A.L.T.” before I get over-stressed with living “life on life’s terms”.  “H.A.L.T.” is a 12 Step reminder to STOP/HALT BEFORE I get “too…” Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (or really “too…” much of ANYthing that (like these four things) can set me up for relapse.

Today I’m (physically) feeling pretty rough. Between seasonal allergies (a/k/a “The Ohio Valley Creeping Crud”) and what I call “detox issues” caused by (healthy) changes in my food intake, coupled with the more intense emotions I feel when I’m not stuffing down my emotions with excess food, I’m pretty much “a basket case-waiting-to-happen” — Just For Today!

And when I’m feeling like a “a basket case-waiting-to-happen” thats all the MORE reason for me to practice the H.A.L.T. principle and remember that during my first 72 hours I really must “cut myself some slack” and remember to relax!

 

Underneath All Addictions . . . Codependency?

Back in the mid-1980’s, a friend of mine who had a 12 Step perspective on addiction recovery, shared his belief that underneath overeating and all other addictions exists the real addiction that needed to be treated: codependency. Overeating, underexercising, indeed addictive/compulsive behaviors of every sort can all be traced back to this one common denominator.

To this day I believe my friend was on target with his theory. Yes, most addictive behaviors do seem to have some underlying biological connection/cause (e.g., physical addictions to substance like booze, mood-altering drugs, sex, food, compulsive spending, etc.). Yet, pardon my codependent observation here (Isn’t it codependent of me to speak for others?), but aren’t most of us addicts ”flamingly codependent” — even as we experience recovery from other addictions?

OK. Maybe it’s just me who should self-identify as being a flaming codpendent (sometimes less flamingly, other times more flamingly). Then again, if you’ve ever observed fellow 12 Steppers interactive with each other, you might be inclined to believe that I’m not the lone codependent in 12 Step recovery.

Here’s an example of codependency amongst 12 Steppers: Have you ever heard the saying that “The only requirements for starting a new A.A./O.A./N.A./etc.-A. meeting are two members, a coffee pot and a resentment”? My experience is that most resentments are caused when one 12 Steppers can’t control another — can’t have their way, can’t win a group conscious vote, can’t succeed at shoving their approach to recovery down the throats of other group members, etc.

If you’ve read Melody Beattie’s self-help bestseller, CoDependent No More, then you might be skeptical (as I used to be) about whether codependency really is a legitimate problem since (based on her book’s all-encompasing definition) surely 99% of ALL persons – not just us addicts – are codependent, while the other 1% must be in denial.

Beattie seems to suggest that viritually any imperfection in how we deal with others makes one a codependent. Yet who can honestly claim to act with perfect relationship skills all the time? Not moi.

If, on the other hand, I focus my definition of codependency on just the major relationship problems/issues, then codependency makes more sense and can explain most of the “triggers” for most of my addictive behaviors.

Some of the relationship issues that appear to be legimate symptoms of codependency include: controlling behaviors (either we attempt to control others or we allow others to control us), distrust of ourselves and others, perfectionism, stuffling/avoidance of feelings, problems with emotional and sexual intimacy and excessive caretaking of others. We also tend to judge ourselves without mercy.

Many of the codependents in my life (including myself) end up experiencing megaloads of anxiety (and even panic attacks), depression and ftustration as those we care about often appear to be “spinning out of control” (Heck, no wonder they need us to contol them! HA!). A name for those individuals spinning out of control that I like is “crazymakers”.

We now interrupt this otherwise serious blog entry (some of us codependents overdose big time on being SERIOUS, so a hmor break is certainly in order!) for some Codependency Humor:

– You might be a codependent if you refer to your friends as being a “caseload”.

– Am I a codependent? Depends what you think…Do you think I’m codependent?

– Why do codependents always flunk Geography class? Because they can’t distinguish any boundaries.

Now back to more serious blogging about codependency as the underlying cause for addictions.

Perhaps codependency is the underlying cause for the 12 Step reminder to “H.A.L.T.” — In our lack of caring for ourselves we too easily forget to keep from getting “toooooooo” Hungry, Angry, Lonely and/or Tired.

Perhaps codependency is at the cause for some of us having UNhealthy expectations of others. A member of Alcoholics Anonymous shares the how he overcomes the stress caused by his codependent thinking: “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

Perhaps codependency is addressed in the line from the Serenity Prayer that asks God to give us the “Serenity to accept the things we cannot change…”.

Agree or disagree with my friend’s theory that codependency is the addiction that exists underneath all other addictions (therefore is the ultimate trigger for other addictive behaviors), what I know for sure is that the pain caused by my codependent behaviors have lead me to acting out with food (and other substances and things as well). So I personally see a great value in working on my codependency issues along with my food and other addiction issues.

 

I’m Glad You Asked!!!

A visitor to my blog, identified as “deb3283″, posted the following comment/question regarding the H.O.W. Movement within the Overeaters Anonymous fellowship. Her comments were originally posted in a space that was intended for responses to the entry “8 Calls Within 21 Hours…“.

So as to not confuse the topic of the subject matter (which has nothing directly to do with Weight Watchers), I’ve moved her comments to the body of this entry. My response will follow.

deb3283 writes…

I recently read your writing(s) regarding H.O.W. and the rules and regulations imposed by this “cult”. I am very interested in your thoughts here, as I just finished speaking with my therapist re “O.A. vs. H.O.W.”

Though I have been able to give up sugar (such an addiction for me) and white flour, I am just not able to feel one bit healthy on their food plan. I don’t feel comfortable in the meetings either, though I am a long term member of AA. I have gained weight in the 2 years of attending my weekly HOW meetings. They seem to focus more on the rules/regulations/stringent food plan and “positive 3 minute pitches” then the root problems of compulsive eaters (shame/body image/prior eating disorder behavior, etc). I just wanted to get your further thoughts on this as I am attempting to make a decision whether to continue (and edging toward O.A., frankly). Thanks so much. — Deborah

Dave (a/k/a OveractiveFork) responds…

What I believe you are referring to is something that I shared on my One Bite Fellowship website (www.onebite.net). I’m glad you’ve asked my thoughts, because at some point I should definitely post that information here on OveractiveFork.My four cents worth (as adjusted for inflation) on this topic goes like this…

The so-called “H.O.W. movement”, as found within Overeaters Anonymous as well as the basis for several other 12 Step fellowships, is DANGEROUS on many levels.

Nutritional Danger: Food plans, IMHO, should never be written/prescribed by fellow addicts. Yet H.O.W., in it’s various incarnations, continues to offer a food plan that was originally written by someone other than a nutritionist.

Over the decades since it was first written, it has been re-written by dozens of other addicts — so when they push their so-called “perfect food plan” down our throats, it is only fair to point out that what they have is probably NOT the original Grey Sheet food plan written by an Overeaters Anonymous member back in the early 1960’s. So how do they know that their version is the most perfect, let alone ONLY food plan appropriate for all addicts? Where is the logic?

IMHO, no addict has any business  to write or promote a food plan. Food plans should ONLY be written by a medical profesional. While we trust professionals to assist us with our recovery, we addicts should remain focused on living and working the 12 Steps, one day at a time.

Emotional Danger: Everything that has originated within the H.O.W. movement is emotionally toxic!!! Just two examples:

1) H.O.W. oldtimers tell newcomers all the time that they should take the H.O.W. food plan to a “health care PROFESSIONAL” and abide by that person’s guidance — yet they shun, verbally abuse and even outright harrass members who were told by the professional that they consulted to NOT follow such a rigid, low-carbohydrate food plan. This is abusive…No addict deserves to be treated inappropriately just because another addict (= fellow insane person) does not approve of her/his food plan!

2) To insist on “positive pitches” is just another way to say to us that we need to “stuff our (authentic) feelings” — Wasn’t that what we were already doing (e.g., stuffing down our pain) with excessive amounts of food?!? Thanks, but I don’t think that the “face of a person in recovery” should go around with a fake smile plastered on his/her face!

We only begin to change when we have the ability/freedom to get REAL about our feelings. “Positive pitches” aren’t about being real. Insisting on “positive pitches” is a way of shaming others for their very REAL feelings.

Spiritual Danger: Nearly EVERYthing that the H.O.W. movement REALLY believes and stands for is in direct contradiction to the principles found within the 12 Traditions. Coercion, control (a/k/a rules and regulations) and abuse don’t mix well with spiritually-sane recovery.

I hope you RUN far away from the drama and insanity that the H.O.W. movement offers in the name of recovery and stick with traditional OA! OA may have its problems (perhaps it doesn’t offer enough structure that most of us need?), but what it offers seems to be MUCH saner than anything the H.O.W. extremists have to offer.

Tanslation to non-12-Steppers: “H.O.W.” is a reference to the 12 Step approach to recovery known as Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness. I’ve always found it rather arrogant that this movement makes use of a name that would infer that they have the corner on these virtues! Isn’t grandiosity a character defect?

Maybe my “Weight Loss Buddy” would feel more at home in a H.O.W. group that she does in Weight Watchers? <big evil grin>

 

8 Calls Within 21 Hours…

I really should trust my gut more often.

I just knew that this friend who wanted  me to be her “Weight Loss Buddy” wasn’t playing with a “Regulation 52 Deck” (a/k/a “She was an order of French Fries short of a Happy Meal”). I could sense that it was a “co-dependent clingfest” just waiting to happen.

Not to gloat, but I was right about her!

This evening (Monday, January 7, 200 was to be the first time we were to attend a Weight Watchers meeting together…so SHE had dictiated to me. But the relationship was over even before it began, thanks to her calling me EIGHT TIMES WITHIN 21 HOURS — just to make sure that I was going to be at the meeting! Talk about “control issues”! 

Thanks, but I don’t need a nag, a cop or a stalker to be my Weight Loss Buddy!!!

I sent her an e-mail message late this afternoon stating that I’m not willing to attend Weight Watchers meetings with her at this time. I didn’t offer her a lengthy explanation about my decision since I figured that it would likely just end up in an argument. (Have you ever tried to argue with a person who is drunk on the need to control others? Talk about stressful conversations!)

IMHO, from a spiritual and mental health point of view, a relationship such as a “Weight Loss Buddy” should be more about trust than control. It should be about giving each other SPACE to ask for help, instead of one buddy assuming that s/he has ALL the answers for the other buddy. Each buddy should be responsible for making his own decisions, instead of one buddy acting as a dictator by announcing decisions they’ve made for the other person.

I come from a pretty dysfunctional alcoholic family, so returning to one isn’t one of the things I long for.

The relationship dynamics my friend had insisted on were majorly dysfunctional. Ya’ think!

To the best of my knowledge, my friend is not an alcoholic. But her behavior smacks of alcoholic personality issues (”Alcoholics don’t form relationships — They take hostages.”). Perhaps one (or both) of her parent(s) or her ex-husband were alcoholics — since we codependents seem to take on many characteristics of the addicts and otherwise out-of-control individuals who cross our path.

Over the course of many years of working on my recovery journey, I’ve seen this unhealthy relationship pattern repeated many times (e.g., control vs. trust). I too have been guilty of being a control freak, hence my ongoing membership in Al-Anon and the decision to work my 12 Step program of recovery on my codependency issues.

I certainly wish my friend well with her re-entry into the Weight Watchers fellowship. I just don’t care to be her Weight Loss Buddy, just for today!

 

“Weight Loss Buddy” Vs. “Weight Loss Control Freak”

I’m an addict — excessive amounts of food and avoidance of physical exercise are my “drugs of choice” — and my problem is Dave!

<<< Group Responds: “Hi, Dave and welcome!!!” >>>

Several days ago I received a call from a friend who shares my struggle with food addiction and exercise avoidance. She called to inform me that SHE DECIDED…

– that WE were going to be “Weight Loss Buddies” beginning the first week of January 2008.

– that WE would be attending TOGETHER the Monday Weight Watchers meeting in my neighborhood that takes place barely one block from where I live.

…that WE were pretty much going to eat and exercise ALIKE.

…It even sounded as if she expected US to even think ALIKE (or, more like I would think JUST LIKE HER!).

This ain’t a healthy relationship, people! What she proposes is more like a “codependent clingfest” where she is my Drill Sergeant! With a “friend” like her offering me “support” (as well meaning as she certainly is), I probably could easily cultivate TONS of resentments to lead me back to OVEReatomg and enough DEPRESSION to make me want to be even more lethargic than I already am!

I know: NO excuse will do for bad choices. I also know that my friend’s prouncements about this “weight loss buddy” thing sounds extremely co-dependent as evidenced by her DISrespect for my boundaries/choices.

If you read any of my other journal entries, you know that I believe it is a BIG NO NO for one addict to dictate to another addict about the choice of a food plan or exercise plan! I’ve found it best to leave to PROFESSIONALS (or at least Weight Watchers) decisions that should NEVER be made by a “fellow crazy person” (e.g., fellow addict — “When it comes to food, we are stragely INsane” = Don’t hire a pyromaniac to work as a fire fighter!).

The concept of a “weight loss buddy” is fine. In fact, it is a GOOD thing to have a friend in recovery to share experience, strength and hope with on a regular (if not daily basis).

But make decisions for their buddy?  Nope. Each addict is responsible for his own decisions. Smart decisions and dumb decisions. Healthy decisions and toxic decisions. Each of us addicts even have a right to make NO decision(s) — which is/are decision(s) in themselves!

In 12 Step recovery the concept that comes closest to what my friend calls a “weight loss buddy” is what is known as a “sponsor”. A sponsor is someone who usually has a longer term of recovery than their sponsee. My experience is that most people who work with a “buddy” usually have nearly the same length of recovery as the person they are working with (i.e., for overeaters this means that they both usually began their dieting effort at the same time).

Thanks, but I don’t “do diets” these days! I love the newest Weight Watchers slogan: “Stop dieting. Start living.” Amen!

For me, speaking as an addict, diets never really did work for me, don’t work for me now and NEVER will work for me. They make work for my friend and they may work for you (More power to y’all!), but they do NOT work for me.

What DOES work for me is experiencing a “spiritual awakening” followed by a “lifestyle change” and change of life philosophy — that, with God’s help and the support of other addicts — I work just ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is what is working for me NOW and what I’ve wittnessed working for countless other addicts over the years (regarless of their “drug of choice”).

I love the concept of sponsorship as it is taught and practiced within Narcotics Anonymous. My approach to working with my “Weight Loss Buddy” (Yes, I’m going to work with her — one meeting and one day at a time!) is influenced by the following quotes from N.A. literature…

“Over time, being a sponsor can help us learn how to listen without judgment, accept without conditions, and love without expectations. In many ways, sponsorship teaches us how to develop and maintain healthy relationships.”

Wow! “Listen withOUT judgment”, “accept withOUT conditions and love withOUT expectations — what concepts! Not only can this approach help me “develop and maintain healthy relationships” (with my Weight Loss Buddy and others), it also goes a long way to helping me overcome tendencies to become a “control freak” — Hey, I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, so I learned how to be a “control freak” at an early age (at least I got these tendencies “honestly”, huh?).

When I first laid eyes on a checklist of common characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics back in the mid-1980’s), I thought it was a PERFECT description of myself as well as MOST of the folks I’d met in the meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. Hence to this day I believe that the “primary addiction” most of us addicts have is the addiction to CONTROL others (which sounds a like codependency to moi!) and our “drug(s) of choice” is more of a “secondary issue”.

Back to Narcotics Anonymous literature as it discusses the concept of sponorship…

“A sponsor is a recovering addict in the program of Narcotics Anonymous; someone we can trust to share our life experiences with (both good and bad); a person to whom we can go with our problems that may be too personal to share with the group. It is suggested that a sponsor be someone who has practice in working the Twelve Steps and is involved in the program. Primarily, a sponsor is a guide through the Twelve Steps of recovery.”

It sounds like to me that a sponsor must have a gentle spirit — one that allows their sponsee to be honest/real/transparent.  without fear of recrimination. Could it be that a sponsee should never fear being scolded,  nagged or screamed at by their sponsor? Me thinks so.

Sponsors (and even Weight Loss Buddies) must keep their own recovery as their primary focus. Sponsors have a right to maintain their own boundaries (“We carry the message, not the addict.”) Sponsor then “are not reformers, preachers of the gospel, welfare workers, part-time social workers, marriage counselors, money lenders, employment counselors, or parole officers.”

I have this knot in the pit of my stomach accompanied by the intutitive sense that tells me that that sooner (rather than later) I’ll need to gently confront my Weight Loss Buddy about my boundaries and about what IS MY business and where she needs to let go of control.

I’ll let you know how this relationship works out.

 

“Some Say LOVE It Is A HUNGER…”

Who would have thought that lyrics of a popular song could have held such insight?

Many years ago I attended an Overeaters Anonymous retreat where a recording of Bette Midler’s song The Rose was used as a meditation. The Rose is also featured as a on one of Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ To The Oldies videos.

Why The Rose? What is it’s connection to food addiction/exercise avoidance?

One line from that song speaks volumes to me: “Some say love, it is a hunger an endless aching need…” Ain’t that the truth!

“What the world needs now” (and our ”addict within” can use daily) is to feel loved. A Co-Dependents Anonymous affirmation addresses this very basic of human needs with the reminder that: “I am lovable, loving and loved.”

So easy to affirm, yet so much harder for me to feel!

What happens when I don’t “feel the love”? What happens when I feel rejection (a/k/a the “withdrawal of love”)? I grab for the food! I attempt to fill my “inner hunger” with something that might taste delicious — but still can’t fill the hole that I want -desperately need - it to fill.

Yet when I use food to be the “lover of my soul” my self-esteem is ultimately decreased and what self-love I have disappears. What a painful paradox: trying to (over)fill the hole in my soul leaves me only more empty.

Ultimately, I believe only God can fill the emptiness (which includes the feeling/belief that deep down we are ”UNlovable”) that fills our soul. I also believe that God created me (and all of us) to be “social creatures” who also need the love and acceptance of others, to some degree, in order to be truly happy.

What in the wide, wide world of sports makes me bring up the “hunger for love” topic? Probably because I’ve recently (again) come to the realization that I “don’t handle rejection” all that well. Then again, WHO DOES “handle it well”? While rejection doesn’t have to totally devistate me, when it happens I nonetheless feel a great deal of pain.

I’ve been working on healing from rejection — two wounds, or occasions, in particular. One rejection took place in 1995 and the other around 1981/1982. I can usually “make sense” of “why” someone rejects me. But when it is out-of-the-blue, when it (from my point of view) appears to be totally UNprovoked, then I don’t handle it terribly well.

Maybe the best I can do is to “feel my feelings” — including the massive amount of pain that rejection causes. “Stuffing it down” with excess amounts of food certainly hasn’t healed it. I’m hoping that writing about it here and in my 12 Step work and talking it through with my therapist can also help bring about healing.

As an addict who’s drug of choice is excess food and exercise avoidance, today I’m making a choice to “love myself enough” to eat healthy and exercise appropriately so that maybe some of the emotional pain will subside.