Feelings: To Feel Them Or Stuff Them Down, That Is THE Question!

Many years ago I had a pastor who impressed me with both his great wisdom and delightful sense of humor. He would often quip that he had been known to “cry at supermarket grand openings”!

I can relate to his comment — at least at times. Sometimes I cry with little or no provocation. At other times I do a pretty good job at “stuffing down” my feelings — ALL feelings — including feelings that lead to tears.

I’ve heard it said of food addicts that if we don’t “Face Our Stuff” we’ll (eventually) ”Stuff Our Face”. I’ve found this is VERY true in the sense that some of my most painful feelings have surfaced during periods of sane eating.

How vividly the lyrics of Simon And Garfunkel’s song I Am A Rock captures the emotional pain that many of us addicts have tried to stuff down…

“I am a rock.
I am an island.
I’ve built walls –
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate…
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain….
I touch no one and no one touches me…
And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.”

As a recovering co-dependent, feeling MY feelings should NOT be too difficult a task to handle since (in active co-dependency) I had NO problem feeling EVERYone else’s feelings. But the reality has been that running from, denying and stuffing down (”stuffing” comes about with my ingesting EXCESS amounts of food) MY OWN feelings has been my pattern.

Many years ago I heard it explained that feelings, also referred to as “emotions” , are “energy-in-motion” (think “e-motions”). My understanding is that ingesting any any mood-or-mind-altering substance can (and does) “block” the processing of emotions. Hence the state of “emotional constipation” that many of us addicts experienced during out days of active addiction.

I don’t know why, but feeling MY feelings CAN seem overwhelming. At times I’ve found myself wondering if I was going to “e-mote to death” by allowing myself to feel my feelings!

The Overeaters Anonymous brochure entitled, A Plan Of Eating: A Tool for Living - One Day at a Time (Copyright 1988, 2001, 2005 Overeaters Anonymous, Incorporated. All rights reserved.), addresses the connection between food and emotions with these words:

“For a compulsive overeater, eating is attached to emotions. We are never fully satisfied, no matter how much we eat, because we are eating for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons. We eat for excitement, love celebration, loneliness, escape, pleasure and comfort. We devour food to anesthetize ourselves. We eat out of anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, fear, pride, guilt and grief.”

The good news is that, through working the 12 Steps, I’ve actually been able to discover/uncover whatever feelings I’ve been stuffing down with excess food. Through working the 12 Steps while working with other addicts I’ve found the strength to NOT act out with food in an addictve, compulsive or impulsive manner, despite feeling some intense and pretty crappy emotions!

Recovery doesn’t magically protect me from feeling painful feelings. Recovery gives me the strength and courage to discover, feel and then move beyond my feelings without the need to swallow excessive amounts of food or avoid physical exercise. How does all of this work? One Day, One Step and One Feeling at a time!

 

Should We EVER “Avoid” Food To Protect Our Recovery?

Since I stated in a previous post that I do NOT believe that food is something to be “feared” by us addicts  (either in terms of seeing it, smelling it or (gasp!) even thinking about it), I’d like to discuss the issue of when and if it is ever approriate for a food addict to avoid food.

What I’m sharing about this (like hopefully most everything I discuss on OveractiveFork) is based on my experience, strength and hope. This means that what I’m about to share is based on real life experience and is not some sort of intellectual theory that has not been tested in my own life.

Fact 1: We DO have to deal with food in the “real world”. It surrounds us everyday and everywhere. 

Fact 2: We really SHOULD have to eat some food each in order to survive. So “avoiding” food entirely isn’t a sane option.

Considering the two facts presented above, why is it that some food addicts expect 12 Step recovery — recovery intended to help us overcome our addiction, One Day At A Time – to play into, encourage or enable the fear of facing food?  Authentic recovery, IMHO, recogizes that food is not our problem!!! Our “problem” is the addiction to overeating (and, for many us, we also have an addiction that leads us to avoid physical exercise at all costs). Treating our addiction – not devising schemes to avoid food – is the proper focus of my recovery efforts.

Yes, Step 1 of Alcoholics Anonymous begins, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol…”, but it does NOT state that we are powerless over our elbows, our mouths or making choices that will ultimately enhance our recovery. We addicts ARE powerless, to be sure, but we are NOT hopeless!

Does that mean I go out of my way to “test my recovery”?  Not at all. My recovery from my addiction is a precious gift. My recovery is not a game to be played with. So I do not go out of my way to tempt myself to overeat (or underexercise). Likewise I would never encourage any other addict to play games with their recovery, nor would I encourage them to fear food or take “heroic measures” to avoid it.

My experience in meetings of Overeaters Anonymous over the years has given me exposure to some fellowship members who need to avoid even the thought of food. IMHO, this is more about trying to control the behavior of other members than it is about working their own program of recovery. So if attend an OA meeting where someone states that the mere mention of food is NOT allowed, please find a DIFFERENT meeting to attend!!!!  Telling a member that they can’t mention food by it’s actual, specific name is nothing less than flamingly co-dependent behavior!

I’ve personally checked (on a number of occasions over the years) with Overeaters Anonymous World Service Office (www.oa.org), OA’s Regional Trustees and other trusted servants of the OA fellowship and ALL of them have stated to me that NO official (or even suggested) rule exists about prohibiting (or even discouraging) the mention of food during meetings. To the best of my investigating, it appears that this is yet another crock of crap that has come about thanks to the anti-carbohydrate fanaticists known as the dreded “H.O.W. Movement”. To says the least, these ”sugar-and-flour-phobics” do not represent the besting thinking found within the Overeaters Anonymous fellowship!

Find me a H.O.W. Movement devotee who has long-term recovery from weight loss — I just dare you to find even one!  Yes, you can find some who have lost lots of excess weight, but find me one who has been at goal weight for more than a year or two?  They just can’t be found! NObody can follow their food plan (rigid, perfectionistic and unbalanced as it is).  That food plan is one of the most extremely dangerous forms of a diet (NOT a “food plan” in the healthy sense, but a “diet” in the worst sense of that word) that has ever existed.

If you know about the history of Overeaters Anonymous, then you know that the original writer of the “Grey Sheet food plan” (which has been mal-adapted by numorous H.O.W. cultists over the years) was written by an OA member who wasn’t even a dieticician! I don’t know about y’all, but I’d trust another addict to write my food plan as much as I’d trust a pyromaniac to be a fireman! –> In other words, It is NOT a good idea!!!

Now that I’ve warned y’all about the H.O.W. Movement, I want to share that – based on my experience, strength and hope — that working and living the 12 Steps (O.D.A.A.T.) is the best way I’ve found to rob food of it’s power to control my thinking, let alone my choices when it comes to what and how much I eat.

Working and living the 12 Steps – over and over, O.D.A.A.T. – relieves me of guilt, shame, fear and a whole host of other negativity that kept me both in bondage to food and yet also fearful of it. The 12 Steps have allowed me to overcome (O.D.A.A.T. — it doesn’t usually happen overnight!) my co-dependency issues that kept tangled in UNhealthy relationships with toxic individuals. I no longer have to stay involved in (or stuck in woundedness from) UNhealthy relationships that only fed into my addiction to OVEReat.

Do I ever “avoid” persons, places and/or situations where I would likely find it only too easy to overeat?  Yes, from time to time (even as recently as this past Sunday) I do avoid such situations…BUT NOT because they can “magically force” me to overeat. Rather I stay away from this persons, places and/or situations because I (stated positively) make choices today that enhance the quality of my life and my recovery. Hanging out around “food pushers” only adds to my stress level. They can’t “force” me to overeat, but why hang out with people who almost certainly get on my nerves? It just doesn’t make sense.

Just for today, I don’t choose to keep certain foods near me (in my kitchen) because I know “my history” with those foods. Why place myself in constant temptation to overeat? Thankfully I’m following a nutritionally-sane food plan that allows me to choose from a wide variety of foods, so I don’t get bored just because I choose to stay away from certain foods. But I’m NOT staying away from any food because I’m afraid of it. I simply respect my history with it and don’t choose to repeat it. I seem to recall that someone once said“Those who can’t remember the past are destined to repeat it”.

 

MALE Food Addicts Deserve Emotionally Safe Place To Seek Recovery

I’m sincerely very appreciative of all of the FEmale food addicts who have extended their support to me over the years! Many of them are shining examples of the recovery I am working to achieve, with the help of God and support of other addicts, one day at a time.

So with all due respect for the many WOmen who read this humble blog of mine…Over the years I’ve found that many a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous provide something less than appropriate emotional support for us MEN who struggle with this addiciton. This problem isn’t limited to OA. Indeed at times it feels to me like the whole friggin’ weight loss culture in our society is stacked AGAINST men who struggle with food addiction. Except when pictured with a WOman, when was the last time that Weight Watchers magazine featured a MAN on it’s cover?

So to help bolster the chances for MEN to find an emotionally safe place to find recovery, over a decade ago I establshed ONE BITE FELLOWSHIP (www.OneBite.net) as a support network exclusively for MEN who seek help to stop the insanity of food addiction.

While i do respond to inquiries from FEmale food addicts, frankly most of my efforts are devoted to helping MEN who struggle with my addiction. Nothing against the WOmen who share my addiction, but for any number of reasons, female-to-female and male-to-male support seems to work best when it comes to food addiction recovery.

And just like WOmen in Alcoholics Anonymous (and other 12 Step fellowships) have a right to seek out meetings, retreats and other fellowship events JUST for WOmen (Yes, they refuse to admit MEN), ONE BITE FELLOWSHIP very much has a right to offer help to ONLY MEN who struggle with food addiction.

Not only are support groups often hostile to men who struggle with food addiction, but so are many so-called “eating disorder” treatment programs.  My own experience in one such anti-male treatment center is the focus of this journal entry.

CONSIDER  YOURSELF  CAUTIONED
While by no means it’s only focus, the text that follows includes a discussion of sexual matters,  sexual abuse and anti-male sexism. So please respect your own boundaries and do NOT read any further if you find such a discussion offensive!

The Day Soft, Plain Yogurt Became A Body Fluid
by Dave P. - Founder, One Bite Fellowship

During the fall of 1995 I was a patient for fifteen days in a hospital-based eating disorder unit in Saint Louis, Missouri. This particular facility claimed to offer a “12 Step-based” treatment regime for compulsive overeating, bulimia and anorexia. Once admitted to this facility what I found instead was that didn’t seem to have a clue about the 12 Step approach to dealing with eating disorders. And instead of focusing on food addiction issues, this treatment center offered little more than controversial, idiotic psychobabble about a whole host of outside issues that always lead to finding an excuse to bash men!

Thankfully this particular eating disorder treatment facility (which will remain anonymous in this discussion) went out of business several years ago. However the same company that owned the facility where I was patient still operates other eating disorder units around the country (although under a slightly different corporate name).

Despite their claims to the contrary, this hospital unit was not 12 Step-focused. In fact, during my stay, I was allowed to attend only ONE 12 Step meeting. Real 12 Step-based treatment units (regardless of the addiction they are treating) allow — or even require — their patients to attend a minimum of three to five 12 Step meetings per week. Attendance at just one 12 Step meeting in a fifteen day period is simply unheard of, despite the fact that no less than three Overeaters Anonymous meetings were available EACH day of the week in the Saint Louis metropolitan area, many within just five-to-ten miles of the facility! So “lack of availability” of OA meetings was not the problem.

The real issue behind allowing patients to attend OA meetings, IMHO, was that the treatment program simply did NOT place a high value on helping their patients work through the 12 Steps (i.e., 12 Steps of Overeaters Anonymous or those of any other fellowship). This is a critcal flaw in the approach used by this treatment facility since the 12 Steps are the very heart any legitimate “12 Step recovery process”.

Equally troubling is the fact that the first writing assignment given to patients is a type of Step 4 inventory – yet no real study or opportunity to work Steps 1, 2 and 3 was offered. Anyone who know how legitimate 12 Step recovery is structured will tell you that the Steps are to be worked in order (e.g., 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.), especially within a professional treatment setting.

I’ve come to realize that the treatment facility in question exploits its relationship with Overeaters Anonymous for marketing purposes. Doing so is a sleazy way to ”borrow some credibility” from the OA fellowship. Please note that from my first day in treatment the staff pressured me to “share” about the treatment program with our OA friends. All of us patients were repeatedly encouraged by the staff to share the facility’s promotional brochures with our OA friends. To share “outside literature” during an OA meeting with other members is a violation of that fellowship’s Traditions that prohibit it from endorsing (or opposing) any outside entity (including treatment centers).

So if this unit did not have a 12 Step-focused approach to treat eating disorders, just what did they offer their patients? Once I arrived at the hospital, I was exposed to numerous brochures which were used to promote the eating disorder unit and a separate program for “survivors of sexual abuse“.  Upon closer examination of two of these pamphlets, it appeared that BOTH programs contained virtually identical elements (from group therapy to consultation with a nutritionist). Indeed, when I asked a staff member my suspicion was confirmed: only one program actually existed, but that program was being marketed under two names each with its own unique name. To further blur the nature and scope of the two very different treatment programs, both were identified with the same corporate name and the same toll-free phone number was printed on both treatment program’s brochures.

One program was marketed to persons struggling with eating disorders, while the other treatment program was pitched to survivors of sexual abuse. Marketing one program as two distinct ones: is this honest? No.

Are “most” persons who struggle with eating disorders victims of childhood sexual abuse? No. Do all survivors of childhood sexual abuse struggle with eating disorders? Not according to any research that I’ve looked at.

It is probably safe to assume that a fairly high percentage of food addicts (when compared to the general population) have experienced some for of abuse, including sexual abuse. At least this appears to be the opinion of many researchers wh’s work I’ve studied since my bizarre eating disorder treatment experience. The research I’ve read indicates that that just over half of compulsive overeaters, bulimics and anorexics have suffered from childhood sexual abuse. But I’ve never seen any research suggest that anywhere close to “95 percent” (which is the statistic touted by at least one employee of the treatment center in question) of compulsive eaters have been victimized.

Legitimate 12 Step-focused treatment centers rarely probe deeply into issues like sexual abuse. This is because it is widely believed that long-term sobriety is needed before addicts can face such trauma without endangering their newly found recovery. Stopping an addiction (to food or any other substance) is more than enough of an “issue” for most of us addicts to deal with in early recovery!

What about the quality of care patients who, like myself, received who are NOT victims of sexual abuse (which is anywhere from five to 50 percent, depending on who’s statistics you believe)? Why waste our time looking for issues that don’t exist?

From day one of my treatment experience the primary focus was on uncovering repressed memories of sexual abuse. This despite the fact that I was told by the unit’s “admissions consultants” that their program was SOLELY FOCUSED on eating disorders. At best, their treatment program was “dually focused” on sexual abuse AND eating disorders.

Was I the only patient who felt that s/he had been lied to? No! During the fifteen days I was in treatment two of the three patients who signed themselves out (against medical advice) did so because they also felt that the facilities “admission consultants” had been blatantly dishonest with them about the nature of the treatment program. Interestingly, all three of the patients who left for the same reason I did were males.

If the treatment I received was not “12 Step-focused”, then just what was the “psychotherapeutic approach” utilized by this facility?

Let me begin to answer this important question by sharing about an interesting conversation I had with a friend who visited me while I was in treatment. She was a recent “alumnus” of this facility who had just moved to the city where I reside. While it was wonderful to have a visitor from home my first weekend in Saint Louis, I was hopeful that she could shed some light on why this particular treatment unit did some of the bizarre things it did. My friend provided me with some important insights — and what she told me was absolutely disgusting!

One of the first questions I asked my friend was “Why do they serve us so much gross food . . . like soft, plain Yogurt?” “Didn’t they tell you about that when you were first admitted?” she asked. “Nope,” I answered.

You see it made little sense to me that soft, plain yogurt was served since many delicious flavors of fat-free and sugar-free soft Yogurt were available. Plain Yogurt, at best, is pretty much taste-less. (Before I continue, please be aware that soft plain yogurt is smooth and creamy in texture and white in appearance.) “Well, that’s because the treatment center believes that most of their patients have REPRESSED MEMORIES of sexual abuse . . . and that certain foods bring up (to one’s consciousness) those memories!” my friend explained. “And,” she continued “soft, plain Yogurt is supposed to remind you of (male) SEMEN.”

Be assured that I did NOT want to believe what my friend’s explanation of the soft, plain Yogurt! So almost immediately after I concluded my visit with my friend, I asked a staff member if the treatment program “really believed” in this “plain Yogurt = male semen” equation. The staff member just smiled and said, “Well all I’ll admit is that some of the food you are served here is intended to bring up repressed memories of abuse.”

Oh great! I’m in a treatment center that has as one of its core beliefs the nonsense (which, as best, is highly controversial among mental health professionals) that certain foods can trigger repressed memories! This made me wonder if the treatment staff might have been actually “sicker” than we patients might have been?!?

As to other examples of what I call the “anti-male sexism” of the treatment program in question, it should be noted that none of the treatment center staff were men. I asked a nurse why they didn’t have any male therapists on staff, let alone any other male treatment providers (e.g., nurses, dieticians, unit technicians, etc.). I was told that “if we allowed men to work here, the female patients would be in constant danger of once again becoming victims of sexual abuse.” This employee’s highly inflammatory comments made me wonder if some male job applicants might have been discriminated against on the basis of their gender?!? Oh and I guess women are NEVER sexual abuse perpetrators, huh? Not quite.

I also experienced a great deal of anti-male sexism in group therapy. When I didn’t cry as expected during or following my sharing of a particular written assignment, my female therapist accused me in front of my fellow patients of being “too afraid to be emotionally vulnerable.” I was accused of allowing my “machismo” to get in the way of my “need to cry.” PLEASE! Good grief, even I joke that I had been known to “cry at supermarket grand openings”! Maybe I didn’t cry as the therapist expected me to because to do so would not have been an appropriate emotional response, given the nature of the information I had shared? Is it fair for a therapist to expect (let alone demand) that male clients emote just like females are expected to emote?.

Another issue had to do with the treatment of the husbands and boyfriends of the female patients who attended the “family therapy” sessions at this particular treatment facility. The therapists (again, these were always women) showed great hostility toward these men in front of the group! Whatever wrong they were accused of by their female counterpart, it just had to be so. I guess women are always right and men are always wrong? Hmmm.

Whenever sexual abuse was brought up by therapists, it was presented in such a way to infer that MEN were ALWAYS the perpetrators. Please understand I am not saying that men “never” violate women (or men) sexually. I simply wish to point out that BOTH women and men have the potential to be sexual abusers. Which begs me to ask, since when is the promotion of stereotypes, on the basis of gender, ever “therapeutically appropriate”?

I have never been a fan of the health insurance industry. But after experiencing “12 Step-focused eating disorder treatment”, which really was neither 12 Step-oriented nor eating disorder-focused, I can definitely understand why it is extremely hard to convince insurance companies to pay for this type of hospitalization!

During the intake process I was actually encouraged to embellish my symptoms (i.e., particularly depression and anxiety) in order to persuade my provider to pay for my treatment. It seems to me that being coerced to exaggerate symptoms clearly constitutes an attempt to incite a potential patient to lie, let alone commit insurance fraud. It is truly a shame for a treatment facility to engage in dishonest and even illegal behavior in order to for them to remain in business!

Do I have any good things to say about my “treatment experience?” Not much. But here’s t he short list.

– One therapist actually seemed to be less anti-male than the others were. I recall that she engaged in men-bashing at only HALF of the sessions she facilitated!
– I bonded well with many of the other patients. We all came to treatment looking for 12 Step solution for our food addiction and it is a shame that what we got was NOT what was promised to us.

I sincerely wish I could share many more positive things (let alone none of the negative things) that I’ve shared about my treatment experience in Saint Louis. After all, eating disorders kill over 300,000 American’s each year (that is an average of 34 deaths every hour of every day!) which is why I firmly believe in the very legitimate need for 12 Step-focused, hospital-based treatment and various forms of legitimate psychotherapy to treat eating disorders, including food addiction. It should be noted that authentic 12 Step-centered treatment has a well-established reputation of helping multitudes of alcoholics and many other types of addicts to experience long-term recovery.

I think it is particularly pathetic, at best, that one of the largest “chains” of eating disorder treatment units has deceived thousands of compulsive eaters into it’s sub-standard treatment programs. Interestingly I’ve heard of at least one other national chain of eating disorder treatment centers was forced to close all of its hospital-based units after it was charged with numorous charges of insurance fraud.

I believe our food-obsessed/thin-obsessed society urgently needs 12 Step-oriented mental health therapists and medical practitioners to come forward to fill the void for legitimate eating disorder treatment. While 12 Step fellowships offer a tremendous amount of experience, strength and hope, much more support is often needed to help the still-suffering addict break free from their addiction.

If you’re a MALE overeater, bulimic or anorexic who believes you need to be hospitalized to overcome your problem, rest assured that a few extremely ethical and male-friendly 12 Step-focused eating disorder units still exist! Some of the best treatment programs (like the one I experienced in 1986 at the former DePaul Rehabilitation Hospital in Milwaukee) were non-profit and have long ago closed due to the elimination of government funding that was previously available.

I’m always glad to hear from MALE food addicts who have experienced anti-male sexism in support groups, professional treatment programs, or in any other setting where they’ve sought help for their addiction. If you care to leave your e-mail address in your comment I’ll be glad to respond to you directly. I’m also careful to DELETE e-mail addresses from comments so as to protect the anonymity thos who wish to leave a comment on this website.

 

Weigh-In: Sunday, 4/13/08

As of today, I’ve released a total of 84 1/2 pounds from my top-known weight of 510 pounds (my top weight was reached in 1986). My weight release for this past week was four pounds. My weight release for the previous week was three pounds. As of today I weigh 425 1/2 pounds. My next weight release goal is 335 pounds.

For the record, I release my excess weight JUST ONE POUND at a time. The “rate” (e.g., how fast or slow) I release my excess weight is NONE of my business, nor is it your business. Instead, it is the business of God and health care professionals. These folks are a whole lot saner about matters of nutrition, physical exercise and medical issues unique to my own situation than I (or any other addict I can think of) would ever hope to be. To paraphrase the A.A. Big Book, “When it comes to [weight loss] we were strangely insane.”

And now a word about getting weighed: It ain’t my favorite thing to do!  Since I was an obese child, I have loathed weighing-in (especially if it involved having another human being being present when I stepped on the scales!!!).

In a previous entry on this blog, I referred to the scale as the “Scale Monster”. The reality is the scale is NOT the monster, what IS of monsterous proportions is the tons of toxic shame I’ve experienced from my various scale experiences over the years.

The state of merely “being obese” has obviously also been quite shaming. The connection between my weight, the scale, my body image and self-esteem (or lack-of-self-esteem) has been a source for MUCH frustration, embarrassment and disgust for as long as I can remember!

So for me to feel fear, stress, shame and downright TERROR when I approach the scale is totally understandable! Thankfully in my recovery from addiction these negative and painful feelings and thoughts are changing.

To start with, I don’t use the numbers that the Scale Monster spits back at me to shame myself (I can, but I have a choice and [one weigh-in-at-a-time] I choose to see the “numbers” as but one measure of my physical recovery. I don’t choose to compare my numbers (or rate of weight loss/gain) with anyone else’s number. I realize that LOTS of other numbers, along with the number on the scale, can help me get a more accurate measure of the quality and quantity of my recovery.

Above all, my value has a precious child of God is not determined by my body weight — Just for today!

 

K.I.S.S.ing Along The Way: Day #3, O.D.A.A.T.

Don’t ya’ just love all of the “recovery speak” we 12 Step veterans bombard newscomers with! All of the acronyms, program slogans and terminology can indeed be at least a little bit confusing! An amusing story about this  issue was shared by a long-time sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous…

When my friend first came to AA he was pretty much in what he called a “rummy dummy state” — meaning that he had killed LOTS of brain cells over the course of DECADES of hard drinking…which left him in a state where it didn’t take much to confuse him!

The first AA meetings he attended took place in the living room of a member’s home (this is a very important detail). At each meeting he heard numerous references to the “AA program of recovery”.  After attending meetings for several weeks, he finally asked the group members WHEN (day and time) and WHAT CHANNEL carried the “AA program”! He connected the word “program” with the TV set that was sitting in the living room (which served as the AA meeting room) of the house where he was attending meetings! No wonder he was frustrated with waiting for the “program” to start!

Of course “program” and “program of recovery” refers to the 12 Steps that serves as the basis for recovery offered by Alcoholics Anonymous and all of the various 12 Step fellowships. So “the program” ain’t a TV show!

The subject line of this post refers to two recovery acronyms. So if you are a newbie to 12 Step recovery, allow me to explain them:

K.I.S.S. = “Keep It Simple, Stupid” (some politically correct 12 Step-revisionists have re-translated these letters to stand for “Keep It Simple, Sweetie” (as if to protect us from our low self-esteem). Funny, but I’ve never felt overly offended by the “Stupid” definition of the “second S.” in K.I.S.S. — Prior to recovery, “Stupid” was probably one of the NICEST things that I thought about myself! <blush>

I think “Stupid” is acceptable because what I understand this slogan to really be about is a wake-up call to my “addict within” that hey: you do NOT have ALL the answers, so you need to become “teachable”.  Not because I’m really all that “stupid”, but because (in my active addiction) I can be a pretty arrogant know-it-all (”arrogance” defined: “Making claims or pretensions to superior importance or rights; overbearingly assuming”.  Yup, sounds like me in the bad old days! <still blushing>

O.D.A.A.T., the other acronym used in the subject line of this post, refers to the principle of working on my recovery (JUST) One Day At A Time.  This reminds me that I need to keep my focus on the “hear and now” as I struggle to discern what is “just the NEXT right thing” I need to do to keep on track with my recovery process.

During my first 72 hours (3 days, O.D.A.A.T), I’m using the K.I.S.S. concept to help me remember to stay “teachable” (or what some call “open-minded”) to NEW and BETTER ways of thinking and acting that I had practiced in my active addiction. I’m using the O.D.A.A.T approach to recovery to keep me focused on NOW. My recovery program NEVER asks me for long-term commitments — just to work on today. Working MORE than JUST O.D.A.A.T. is good way to get scared, overwhelmed and downright stressed about recovery.

Some stress in recovery might be acceptable, but in my crAzY way of thinking (in the thinking of my “addict within”), I can get worked up way too much over way too little in no time at all. The good news is that if I can’t handle making it JUST O.D.A.A.T. it is perfectly acceptable to take things in my life/recovery in even SMALLER incriments than “one day” (e.g., 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or even just one hour at a time).

Despite my seasonal allergies, my body is a little less out of sorts today than it was yesterday. My mood is also much more stable today when  compared to 24 hours ago. To paraphrase a popular phrase in AA literature, “The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that”.

 

Back On Track: The First 72 Hours

Today is the first day AGAIN of my recovery journey!!!

By the grace of God I’m beginning again, after an approximately 11 week relapse that resulted in a 3.3 pound weight re-gain…Three of those “3.3 pounds” I re-lost over the past six days.  To clarify: While I had some success getting back on track over the past six days, TODAY is the FIRST day of REALLY doing this “recovery thing” right.

I “begin again” with a weight loss of 80 1/2 pounds below my top known weight (which was 510 pounds, circa in mid-1986).  My lowest known weight during this period of time (reached around 1990) was 335 pounds. At this afternoon’s weigh-in my weight was 429 1/2 pounds.

Don’t we addicts just LOVE “quoting our numbers” as if they are the ONLY evidence of our value as a person (or lack thereof).  I (and you too, if you are an addict) are so much more than the “numbers” the Scale Monster spits out at us! Weight loss (and gain/re-gain) numbers are important to keep track of to be sure (they serve to “mirror back” to us [and others] what our recovery (or relapse) looks like — but they are JUST one set of numbers to consider (waist size, cholesterol, triglycerides and many other “numbers” are also worth considering and have great significance in how we judge our recovery, IMHO).

In any case, the subject line of this entry refers to a concept I learned in my earliest days of recovery (circa 1977) from my first REAL sponsor in the Overeaters Anonymous (OA) fellowship (my ACTUAL first sponsor had to dump after just three days because her husband was jealous of me).  Back “in the day” we males were (at best) a really small minority within the OA fellowship, so my first several OA sponsors were FEmales out of sheer necessity.

My first “REAL sponsor” was actually the friend who first invited me to OA. M.C. (her initials, used to protect her anonymity) wisely taught me that the first 72 hours (= 3 days, lived JUST one day at a time) one attempts recovery are to marked by “cutting ourselves some slack”. While one of the definitions of this phrase that I’m familiar with means “…to allow for some latitude in enforcing the general guidelines…”, what M.C. was referring to specifically was the important of “being gentle” with ourselves in every way possible while focusing (or re-focusing) on our recovery process.

“Being  gentle” is pretty much a foreign concept to me, since (in addition to being an addict) I’m also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) type of co-dependent.  We ACOA types (and most all co-dependents for that matter) tend to “judge ourselves (and others?) withOUT mercy”, which means that if we don’t do whatever we’re doing PERFECTLY (and perfectionism often leads us feeling STRESSED, right?), then we usually don’t feel that whatever we are doing is “good enough”…and when we aren’t “good enough” we have an EXCUSE to give up and not try at all, right?

So for the first 72 hours of my recovery I’m remembering to be gentle with myself and avoiding (as much as humanly possible) all people and situations that typically/historically cause me stress (Stress, as we addicts know all-too-well) is a MAJOR trigger into active addiction.)

Also for the first 72 hours I’m NOT trying to over-do anything – even my recovery! Follow my food plan? Yes! (Thankfully the Weight Watchers POINTS food plan allows for variety, moderation and IMperfection — along with discipline). Follow my exercise plan? Yes! (BUT I’m NOT to become a “well-chisseled stud” overnight! MODERATION IN ALL THINGS — At least for the first 72 hours of continuous recovery!!!) And I’m NOT going to try to work ALL 12 Steps in one sitting — Working (re-working) Step One is a GREAT place to focus for at least the first 72 hours!

So as I detox from excess volumes of food and a lack of physical exercise, I’m working a plan of recovery, without (hopefully) the way I work it and the way I live my life in general becoming stubbling blocks to my recovery.

In the wisdom of the Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship, we addicts are reminded about the importantce of BALANCE in recovery: “Easy does it, but DO it” as a certain bumperstick reads (emphasis added).

Speaking of BALANCE, in addition to the AA phrase quoted above, I also remember the ACOA axiom that states, “I’m a ‘human BEing’ – NOT a ‘human DOing’”.

So in addition to being gentle with myself, what else MUST I do during the first 72 hours of recovery in order to experience authentic recovery (as opposed to just engaging in ”mental masturbation”) from my addiction? Here’s my Short List of MUST-Do’s:

1) Stop Overeating (which can best be done when following a moderate food plan, as approved by a health care professional familiar with one’s health situation/history).

2) Work An Exercise Plan (this is on my list because I’m addicted to “exercise avoidance”. Yet in order to experience a sane “lifestyle change” that will support HEALTHY weight loss and avoidance of weight re-gain, daily exercise is important. Just like my food plan, my exercise plan is approved by a health care professional familiar with my health situation/history).

3. Work With Other Addicts (Recovery isn’t done in isolation: “Together we can do what we could never do alone!”).

4. Work the 12 Steps, JUST ONE Step at a time.

5. Repeat #1 - # 4 as needed, one day at a time.

And if you aren’t familiar with the meaning of the phrase “mental masturbation”, here are three definitions I’ve found on the Interest today that my help you understand what it is and why it defeats authentic recovery…

“Intellectual activity that serves no practical purpose.”

“The act of engaging in useless yet intellectually stimulating conversation, usually as an excuse to avoid taking constructive action in your life.”

“The act of engaging in impractical/nonproductive mental exercise / thinkings / writings / etc., through which a practitioner only comforts oneself mentally. Such acts don’t lead to any constructive results what so ever in the real world.”

 

8 Calls Within 21 Hours…

I really should trust my gut more often.

I just knew that this friend who wanted  me to be her “Weight Loss Buddy” wasn’t playing with a “Regulation 52 Deck” (a/k/a “She was an order of French Fries short of a Happy Meal”). I could sense that it was a “co-dependent clingfest” just waiting to happen.

Not to gloat, but I was right about her!

This evening (Monday, January 7, 200 was to be the first time we were to attend a Weight Watchers meeting together…so SHE had dictiated to me. But the relationship was over even before it began, thanks to her calling me EIGHT TIMES WITHIN 21 HOURS — just to make sure that I was going to be at the meeting! Talk about “control issues”! 

Thanks, but I don’t need a nag, a cop or a stalker to be my Weight Loss Buddy!!!

I sent her an e-mail message late this afternoon stating that I’m not willing to attend Weight Watchers meetings with her at this time. I didn’t offer her a lengthy explanation about my decision since I figured that it would likely just end up in an argument. (Have you ever tried to argue with a person who is drunk on the need to control others? Talk about stressful conversations!)

IMHO, from a spiritual and mental health point of view, a relationship such as a “Weight Loss Buddy” should be more about trust than control. It should be about giving each other SPACE to ask for help, instead of one buddy assuming that s/he has ALL the answers for the other buddy. Each buddy should be responsible for making his own decisions, instead of one buddy acting as a dictator by announcing decisions they’ve made for the other person.

I come from a pretty dysfunctional alcoholic family, so returning to one isn’t one of the things I long for.

The relationship dynamics my friend had insisted on were majorly dysfunctional. Ya’ think!

To the best of my knowledge, my friend is not an alcoholic. But her behavior smacks of alcoholic personality issues (”Alcoholics don’t form relationships — They take hostages.”). Perhaps one (or both) of her parent(s) or her ex-husband were alcoholics — since we codependents seem to take on many characteristics of the addicts and otherwise out-of-control individuals who cross our path.

Over the course of many years of working on my recovery journey, I’ve seen this unhealthy relationship pattern repeated many times (e.g., control vs. trust). I too have been guilty of being a control freak, hence my ongoing membership in Al-Anon and the decision to work my 12 Step program of recovery on my codependency issues.

I certainly wish my friend well with her re-entry into the Weight Watchers fellowship. I just don’t care to be her Weight Loss Buddy, just for today!

 

“Weight Loss Buddy” Vs. “Weight Loss Control Freak”

I’m an addict — excessive amounts of food and avoidance of physical exercise are my “drugs of choice” — and my problem is Dave!

<<< Group Responds: “Hi, Dave and welcome!!!” >>>

Several days ago I received a call from a friend who shares my struggle with food addiction and exercise avoidance. She called to inform me that SHE DECIDED…

– that WE were going to be “Weight Loss Buddies” beginning the first week of January 2008.

– that WE would be attending TOGETHER the Monday Weight Watchers meeting in my neighborhood that takes place barely one block from where I live.

…that WE were pretty much going to eat and exercise ALIKE.

…It even sounded as if she expected US to even think ALIKE (or, more like I would think JUST LIKE HER!).

This ain’t a healthy relationship, people! What she proposes is more like a “codependent clingfest” where she is my Drill Sergeant! With a “friend” like her offering me “support” (as well meaning as she certainly is), I probably could easily cultivate TONS of resentments to lead me back to OVEReatomg and enough DEPRESSION to make me want to be even more lethargic than I already am!

I know: NO excuse will do for bad choices. I also know that my friend’s prouncements about this “weight loss buddy” thing sounds extremely co-dependent as evidenced by her DISrespect for my boundaries/choices.

If you read any of my other journal entries, you know that I believe it is a BIG NO NO for one addict to dictate to another addict about the choice of a food plan or exercise plan! I’ve found it best to leave to PROFESSIONALS (or at least Weight Watchers) decisions that should NEVER be made by a “fellow crazy person” (e.g., fellow addict — “When it comes to food, we are stragely INsane” = Don’t hire a pyromaniac to work as a fire fighter!).

The concept of a “weight loss buddy” is fine. In fact, it is a GOOD thing to have a friend in recovery to share experience, strength and hope with on a regular (if not daily basis).

But make decisions for their buddy?  Nope. Each addict is responsible for his own decisions. Smart decisions and dumb decisions. Healthy decisions and toxic decisions. Each of us addicts even have a right to make NO decision(s) — which is/are decision(s) in themselves!

In 12 Step recovery the concept that comes closest to what my friend calls a “weight loss buddy” is what is known as a “sponsor”. A sponsor is someone who usually has a longer term of recovery than their sponsee. My experience is that most people who work with a “buddy” usually have nearly the same length of recovery as the person they are working with (i.e., for overeaters this means that they both usually began their dieting effort at the same time).

Thanks, but I don’t “do diets” these days! I love the newest Weight Watchers slogan: “Stop dieting. Start living.” Amen!

For me, speaking as an addict, diets never really did work for me, don’t work for me now and NEVER will work for me. They make work for my friend and they may work for you (More power to y’all!), but they do NOT work for me.

What DOES work for me is experiencing a “spiritual awakening” followed by a “lifestyle change” and change of life philosophy — that, with God’s help and the support of other addicts — I work just ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is what is working for me NOW and what I’ve wittnessed working for countless other addicts over the years (regarless of their “drug of choice”).

I love the concept of sponsorship as it is taught and practiced within Narcotics Anonymous. My approach to working with my “Weight Loss Buddy” (Yes, I’m going to work with her — one meeting and one day at a time!) is influenced by the following quotes from N.A. literature…

“Over time, being a sponsor can help us learn how to listen without judgment, accept without conditions, and love without expectations. In many ways, sponsorship teaches us how to develop and maintain healthy relationships.”

Wow! “Listen withOUT judgment”, “accept withOUT conditions and love withOUT expectations — what concepts! Not only can this approach help me “develop and maintain healthy relationships” (with my Weight Loss Buddy and others), it also goes a long way to helping me overcome tendencies to become a “control freak” — Hey, I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, so I learned how to be a “control freak” at an early age (at least I got these tendencies “honestly”, huh?).

When I first laid eyes on a checklist of common characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics back in the mid-1980’s), I thought it was a PERFECT description of myself as well as MOST of the folks I’d met in the meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. Hence to this day I believe that the “primary addiction” most of us addicts have is the addiction to CONTROL others (which sounds a like codependency to moi!) and our “drug(s) of choice” is more of a “secondary issue”.

Back to Narcotics Anonymous literature as it discusses the concept of sponorship…

“A sponsor is a recovering addict in the program of Narcotics Anonymous; someone we can trust to share our life experiences with (both good and bad); a person to whom we can go with our problems that may be too personal to share with the group. It is suggested that a sponsor be someone who has practice in working the Twelve Steps and is involved in the program. Primarily, a sponsor is a guide through the Twelve Steps of recovery.”

It sounds like to me that a sponsor must have a gentle spirit — one that allows their sponsee to be honest/real/transparent.  without fear of recrimination. Could it be that a sponsee should never fear being scolded,  nagged or screamed at by their sponsor? Me thinks so.

Sponsors (and even Weight Loss Buddies) must keep their own recovery as their primary focus. Sponsors have a right to maintain their own boundaries (“We carry the message, not the addict.”) Sponsor then “are not reformers, preachers of the gospel, welfare workers, part-time social workers, marriage counselors, money lenders, employment counselors, or parole officers.”

I have this knot in the pit of my stomach accompanied by the intutitive sense that tells me that that sooner (rather than later) I’ll need to gently confront my Weight Loss Buddy about my boundaries and about what IS MY business and where she needs to let go of control.

I’ll let you know how this relationship works out.

 

When “Normal” People Have Car Trouble…

I’m an addict — excessive amounts of food and avoidance of physical exercise are my “drugs of choice” — and my problem is Dave!

<<< Group Responds: “Hi, Dave and welcome!!!” >>>

Back on Thursday, December 13 (yes the “13th” – and I’m NOT usually supersticious, btw) my car started leaking gasoline. Gasoline managed to get into the motor oil and my mechanic informed me that the engine of my 1986 (yes, 1986) Oldsmobile Cutlass station wagon is ruined!

As I was waiting for a cab the evening that my car broke down, I recalled an unfortunately oh-so-true saying I first heard many years ago in the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous: “When ‘normal’ people have car trouble, they call a mechanic. When we food addicts have car trouble (or anything else stressful going on) we call our local 24 hour crisis hotline (or at least some restaurant that DELIVERS!!!).”

I always feel “STRESS!!!” when I have car trouble. The sensation that my surroundings are “out of control” isn’t whatcha’ call “pleasant”! To prove that a “logical connection” exists between stress and overeating, consider that “stressed” spelled backwards spells “DESSERT”!

Nearly two weeks after my car crapped out, I’m still driving a rental (can we say this is getting a little bit EXPENSIVE!!!) as I continue to search for another used vehicle.  I’m still “stressed”, but thankfully NOT overeating in response to the feelings.

Despite my nearly 80 pound weight loss, I’m still too obese to comfortably fit behind the steering wheels of most sedans (which is is embarraassing to say the least). So SUV’s and full size pick-up trucks appear to be my best options for my next vehicle. I have a couple of possibilities (my offer was accepted for a 1995 Ford SUV and – shock!!! – my credit appication has been APPROVED by a local used car dealer.

What’s my solution to worry/fear/stress? An “Al-Anonism” seems to apply here: “Why pray when you can worry?  Why worry when you can pray?” Or, as a sign I saw in a priest’s office many years ago said, “Worry less. Pray more.”

As if I didn’t already have enough excellent reasons to work toward weight loss, another logical reason for me is to loose more weight is that it makes finding an appropriately-sized car much easier! <blush>

 

To My Own Self Be True

I haven’t mentioned this elsewhere on my blog, but in February 2006 I was diagnosed as being a Type 2 Diabetic. Diabetics are much more likely than non-diabetics to develop other serious health problems, including heart and kidney disease.

Keeping in mind my health history,  coupled with my addictions to both OVEReat and UNDERexercise, I am today committing (one day at a time) to make the following small (but I think important) changes in what I eat and how much I exercise. These changes are well within the guidelines of my Weight Watchers’ POINTS food plan and directions given me by various physical therapists over the years.

One day at a time, I commit to…

– Stop eating french fries and onion rings.   They have virtually NO nutritional value, regardless of the type of oil in which they are deep-fried. And I surely do NOT need the TON of SALT that fast food restaurants (especially McDonald’s) pour on their french fries!

– Start eating MORE green vegetables,

– Eat a garden salad three or more days per week.

– Start eating/drinking MORE Vitamin C-rich fruits.

– DO physical exercise for at least 15 minutes each day, every day, NO MATTER WHAT!

– Eat fish and white meat MORE often, while eating LESS red meat.

Am I “excited” about making any of these changes? NO WAY!!! I’m just being honest (”Nothing ever changes until it becomes what it is.”) AND am seeking God’s grace to make these changes.

“God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannont change…the courage to change the things I can…and the wisdom to know the difference — even when I do NOT feel like doing these things. In Jesus’ name. Amen!”

And what if I don’t PERFECTLY adhere to my commitment? Then I have another prayer, known as The Serenity Prayer - Part 2, to pray:

“God, grant me patience with the changes that take time, an appreciation for all that I have, a tolerance for those with different struggles and the strength to get up and try again . . . One Day At A Time. In Jesus’ name. Amen!”