Feelings: To Feel Them Or Stuff Them Down, That Is THE Question!

Many years ago I had a pastor who impressed me with both his great wisdom and delightful sense of humor. He would often quip that he had been known to “cry at supermarket grand openings”!

I can relate to his comment — at least at times. Sometimes I cry with little or no provocation. At other times I do a pretty good job at “stuffing down” my feelings — ALL feelings — including feelings that lead to tears.

I’ve heard it said of food addicts that if we don’t “Face Our Stuff” we’ll (eventually) ”Stuff Our Face”. I’ve found this is VERY true in the sense that some of my most painful feelings have surfaced during periods of sane eating.

How vividly the lyrics of Simon And Garfunkel’s song I Am A Rock captures the emotional pain that many of us addicts have tried to stuff down…

“I am a rock.
I am an island.
I’ve built walls –
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate…
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain….
I touch no one and no one touches me…
And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.”

As a recovering co-dependent, feeling MY feelings should NOT be too difficult a task to handle since (in active co-dependency) I had NO problem feeling EVERYone else’s feelings. But the reality has been that running from, denying and stuffing down (”stuffing” comes about with my ingesting EXCESS amounts of food) MY OWN feelings has been my pattern.

Many years ago I heard it explained that feelings, also referred to as “emotions” , are “energy-in-motion” (think “e-motions”). My understanding is that ingesting any any mood-or-mind-altering substance can (and does) “block” the processing of emotions. Hence the state of “emotional constipation” that many of us addicts experienced during out days of active addiction.

I don’t know why, but feeling MY feelings CAN seem overwhelming. At times I’ve found myself wondering if I was going to “e-mote to death” by allowing myself to feel my feelings!

The Overeaters Anonymous brochure entitled, A Plan Of Eating: A Tool for Living - One Day at a Time (Copyright 1988, 2001, 2005 Overeaters Anonymous, Incorporated. All rights reserved.), addresses the connection between food and emotions with these words:

“For a compulsive overeater, eating is attached to emotions. We are never fully satisfied, no matter how much we eat, because we are eating for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons. We eat for excitement, love celebration, loneliness, escape, pleasure and comfort. We devour food to anesthetize ourselves. We eat out of anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, fear, pride, guilt and grief.”

The good news is that, through working the 12 Steps, I’ve actually been able to discover/uncover whatever feelings I’ve been stuffing down with excess food. Through working the 12 Steps while working with other addicts I’ve found the strength to NOT act out with food in an addictve, compulsive or impulsive manner, despite feeling some intense and pretty crappy emotions!

Recovery doesn’t magically protect me from feeling painful feelings. Recovery gives me the strength and courage to discover, feel and then move beyond my feelings without the need to swallow excessive amounts of food or avoid physical exercise. How does all of this work? One Day, One Step and One Feeling at a time!

 

MALE Food Addicts Deserve Emotionally Safe Place To Seek Recovery

I’m sincerely very appreciative of all of the FEmale food addicts who have extended their support to me over the years! Many of them are shining examples of the recovery I am working to achieve, with the help of God and support of other addicts, one day at a time.

So with all due respect for the many WOmen who read this humble blog of mine…Over the years I’ve found that many a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous provide something less than appropriate emotional support for us MEN who struggle with this addiciton. This problem isn’t limited to OA. Indeed at times it feels to me like the whole friggin’ weight loss culture in our society is stacked AGAINST men who struggle with food addiction. Except when pictured with a WOman, when was the last time that Weight Watchers magazine featured a MAN on it’s cover?

So to help bolster the chances for MEN to find an emotionally safe place to find recovery, over a decade ago I establshed ONE BITE FELLOWSHIP (www.OneBite.net) as a support network exclusively for MEN who seek help to stop the insanity of food addiction.

While i do respond to inquiries from FEmale food addicts, frankly most of my efforts are devoted to helping MEN who struggle with my addiction. Nothing against the WOmen who share my addiction, but for any number of reasons, female-to-female and male-to-male support seems to work best when it comes to food addiction recovery.

And just like WOmen in Alcoholics Anonymous (and other 12 Step fellowships) have a right to seek out meetings, retreats and other fellowship events JUST for WOmen (Yes, they refuse to admit MEN), ONE BITE FELLOWSHIP very much has a right to offer help to ONLY MEN who struggle with food addiction.

Not only are support groups often hostile to men who struggle with food addiction, but so are many so-called “eating disorder” treatment programs.  My own experience in one such anti-male treatment center is the focus of this journal entry.

CONSIDER  YOURSELF  CAUTIONED
While by no means it’s only focus, the text that follows includes a discussion of sexual matters,  sexual abuse and anti-male sexism. So please respect your own boundaries and do NOT read any further if you find such a discussion offensive!

The Day Soft, Plain Yogurt Became A Body Fluid
by Dave P. - Founder, One Bite Fellowship

During the fall of 1995 I was a patient for fifteen days in a hospital-based eating disorder unit in Saint Louis, Missouri. This particular facility claimed to offer a “12 Step-based” treatment regime for compulsive overeating, bulimia and anorexia. Once admitted to this facility what I found instead was that didn’t seem to have a clue about the 12 Step approach to dealing with eating disorders. And instead of focusing on food addiction issues, this treatment center offered little more than controversial, idiotic psychobabble about a whole host of outside issues that always lead to finding an excuse to bash men!

Thankfully this particular eating disorder treatment facility (which will remain anonymous in this discussion) went out of business several years ago. However the same company that owned the facility where I was patient still operates other eating disorder units around the country (although under a slightly different corporate name).

Despite their claims to the contrary, this hospital unit was not 12 Step-focused. In fact, during my stay, I was allowed to attend only ONE 12 Step meeting. Real 12 Step-based treatment units (regardless of the addiction they are treating) allow — or even require — their patients to attend a minimum of three to five 12 Step meetings per week. Attendance at just one 12 Step meeting in a fifteen day period is simply unheard of, despite the fact that no less than three Overeaters Anonymous meetings were available EACH day of the week in the Saint Louis metropolitan area, many within just five-to-ten miles of the facility! So “lack of availability” of OA meetings was not the problem.

The real issue behind allowing patients to attend OA meetings, IMHO, was that the treatment program simply did NOT place a high value on helping their patients work through the 12 Steps (i.e., 12 Steps of Overeaters Anonymous or those of any other fellowship). This is a critcal flaw in the approach used by this treatment facility since the 12 Steps are the very heart any legitimate “12 Step recovery process”.

Equally troubling is the fact that the first writing assignment given to patients is a type of Step 4 inventory – yet no real study or opportunity to work Steps 1, 2 and 3 was offered. Anyone who know how legitimate 12 Step recovery is structured will tell you that the Steps are to be worked in order (e.g., 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.), especially within a professional treatment setting.

I’ve come to realize that the treatment facility in question exploits its relationship with Overeaters Anonymous for marketing purposes. Doing so is a sleazy way to ”borrow some credibility” from the OA fellowship. Please note that from my first day in treatment the staff pressured me to “share” about the treatment program with our OA friends. All of us patients were repeatedly encouraged by the staff to share the facility’s promotional brochures with our OA friends. To share “outside literature” during an OA meeting with other members is a violation of that fellowship’s Traditions that prohibit it from endorsing (or opposing) any outside entity (including treatment centers).

So if this unit did not have a 12 Step-focused approach to treat eating disorders, just what did they offer their patients? Once I arrived at the hospital, I was exposed to numerous brochures which were used to promote the eating disorder unit and a separate program for “survivors of sexual abuse“.  Upon closer examination of two of these pamphlets, it appeared that BOTH programs contained virtually identical elements (from group therapy to consultation with a nutritionist). Indeed, when I asked a staff member my suspicion was confirmed: only one program actually existed, but that program was being marketed under two names each with its own unique name. To further blur the nature and scope of the two very different treatment programs, both were identified with the same corporate name and the same toll-free phone number was printed on both treatment program’s brochures.

One program was marketed to persons struggling with eating disorders, while the other treatment program was pitched to survivors of sexual abuse. Marketing one program as two distinct ones: is this honest? No.

Are “most” persons who struggle with eating disorders victims of childhood sexual abuse? No. Do all survivors of childhood sexual abuse struggle with eating disorders? Not according to any research that I’ve looked at.

It is probably safe to assume that a fairly high percentage of food addicts (when compared to the general population) have experienced some for of abuse, including sexual abuse. At least this appears to be the opinion of many researchers wh’s work I’ve studied since my bizarre eating disorder treatment experience. The research I’ve read indicates that that just over half of compulsive overeaters, bulimics and anorexics have suffered from childhood sexual abuse. But I’ve never seen any research suggest that anywhere close to “95 percent” (which is the statistic touted by at least one employee of the treatment center in question) of compulsive eaters have been victimized.

Legitimate 12 Step-focused treatment centers rarely probe deeply into issues like sexual abuse. This is because it is widely believed that long-term sobriety is needed before addicts can face such trauma without endangering their newly found recovery. Stopping an addiction (to food or any other substance) is more than enough of an “issue” for most of us addicts to deal with in early recovery!

What about the quality of care patients who, like myself, received who are NOT victims of sexual abuse (which is anywhere from five to 50 percent, depending on who’s statistics you believe)? Why waste our time looking for issues that don’t exist?

From day one of my treatment experience the primary focus was on uncovering repressed memories of sexual abuse. This despite the fact that I was told by the unit’s “admissions consultants” that their program was SOLELY FOCUSED on eating disorders. At best, their treatment program was “dually focused” on sexual abuse AND eating disorders.

Was I the only patient who felt that s/he had been lied to? No! During the fifteen days I was in treatment two of the three patients who signed themselves out (against medical advice) did so because they also felt that the facilities “admission consultants” had been blatantly dishonest with them about the nature of the treatment program. Interestingly, all three of the patients who left for the same reason I did were males.

If the treatment I received was not “12 Step-focused”, then just what was the “psychotherapeutic approach” utilized by this facility?

Let me begin to answer this important question by sharing about an interesting conversation I had with a friend who visited me while I was in treatment. She was a recent “alumnus” of this facility who had just moved to the city where I reside. While it was wonderful to have a visitor from home my first weekend in Saint Louis, I was hopeful that she could shed some light on why this particular treatment unit did some of the bizarre things it did. My friend provided me with some important insights — and what she told me was absolutely disgusting!

One of the first questions I asked my friend was “Why do they serve us so much gross food . . . like soft, plain Yogurt?” “Didn’t they tell you about that when you were first admitted?” she asked. “Nope,” I answered.

You see it made little sense to me that soft, plain yogurt was served since many delicious flavors of fat-free and sugar-free soft Yogurt were available. Plain Yogurt, at best, is pretty much taste-less. (Before I continue, please be aware that soft plain yogurt is smooth and creamy in texture and white in appearance.) “Well, that’s because the treatment center believes that most of their patients have REPRESSED MEMORIES of sexual abuse . . . and that certain foods bring up (to one’s consciousness) those memories!” my friend explained. “And,” she continued “soft, plain Yogurt is supposed to remind you of (male) SEMEN.”

Be assured that I did NOT want to believe what my friend’s explanation of the soft, plain Yogurt! So almost immediately after I concluded my visit with my friend, I asked a staff member if the treatment program “really believed” in this “plain Yogurt = male semen” equation. The staff member just smiled and said, “Well all I’ll admit is that some of the food you are served here is intended to bring up repressed memories of abuse.”

Oh great! I’m in a treatment center that has as one of its core beliefs the nonsense (which, as best, is highly controversial among mental health professionals) that certain foods can trigger repressed memories! This made me wonder if the treatment staff might have been actually “sicker” than we patients might have been?!?

As to other examples of what I call the “anti-male sexism” of the treatment program in question, it should be noted that none of the treatment center staff were men. I asked a nurse why they didn’t have any male therapists on staff, let alone any other male treatment providers (e.g., nurses, dieticians, unit technicians, etc.). I was told that “if we allowed men to work here, the female patients would be in constant danger of once again becoming victims of sexual abuse.” This employee’s highly inflammatory comments made me wonder if some male job applicants might have been discriminated against on the basis of their gender?!? Oh and I guess women are NEVER sexual abuse perpetrators, huh? Not quite.

I also experienced a great deal of anti-male sexism in group therapy. When I didn’t cry as expected during or following my sharing of a particular written assignment, my female therapist accused me in front of my fellow patients of being “too afraid to be emotionally vulnerable.” I was accused of allowing my “machismo” to get in the way of my “need to cry.” PLEASE! Good grief, even I joke that I had been known to “cry at supermarket grand openings”! Maybe I didn’t cry as the therapist expected me to because to do so would not have been an appropriate emotional response, given the nature of the information I had shared? Is it fair for a therapist to expect (let alone demand) that male clients emote just like females are expected to emote?.

Another issue had to do with the treatment of the husbands and boyfriends of the female patients who attended the “family therapy” sessions at this particular treatment facility. The therapists (again, these were always women) showed great hostility toward these men in front of the group! Whatever wrong they were accused of by their female counterpart, it just had to be so. I guess women are always right and men are always wrong? Hmmm.

Whenever sexual abuse was brought up by therapists, it was presented in such a way to infer that MEN were ALWAYS the perpetrators. Please understand I am not saying that men “never” violate women (or men) sexually. I simply wish to point out that BOTH women and men have the potential to be sexual abusers. Which begs me to ask, since when is the promotion of stereotypes, on the basis of gender, ever “therapeutically appropriate”?

I have never been a fan of the health insurance industry. But after experiencing “12 Step-focused eating disorder treatment”, which really was neither 12 Step-oriented nor eating disorder-focused, I can definitely understand why it is extremely hard to convince insurance companies to pay for this type of hospitalization!

During the intake process I was actually encouraged to embellish my symptoms (i.e., particularly depression and anxiety) in order to persuade my provider to pay for my treatment. It seems to me that being coerced to exaggerate symptoms clearly constitutes an attempt to incite a potential patient to lie, let alone commit insurance fraud. It is truly a shame for a treatment facility to engage in dishonest and even illegal behavior in order to for them to remain in business!

Do I have any good things to say about my “treatment experience?” Not much. But here’s t he short list.

– One therapist actually seemed to be less anti-male than the others were. I recall that she engaged in men-bashing at only HALF of the sessions she facilitated!
– I bonded well with many of the other patients. We all came to treatment looking for 12 Step solution for our food addiction and it is a shame that what we got was NOT what was promised to us.

I sincerely wish I could share many more positive things (let alone none of the negative things) that I’ve shared about my treatment experience in Saint Louis. After all, eating disorders kill over 300,000 American’s each year (that is an average of 34 deaths every hour of every day!) which is why I firmly believe in the very legitimate need for 12 Step-focused, hospital-based treatment and various forms of legitimate psychotherapy to treat eating disorders, including food addiction. It should be noted that authentic 12 Step-centered treatment has a well-established reputation of helping multitudes of alcoholics and many other types of addicts to experience long-term recovery.

I think it is particularly pathetic, at best, that one of the largest “chains” of eating disorder treatment units has deceived thousands of compulsive eaters into it’s sub-standard treatment programs. Interestingly I’ve heard of at least one other national chain of eating disorder treatment centers was forced to close all of its hospital-based units after it was charged with numorous charges of insurance fraud.

I believe our food-obsessed/thin-obsessed society urgently needs 12 Step-oriented mental health therapists and medical practitioners to come forward to fill the void for legitimate eating disorder treatment. While 12 Step fellowships offer a tremendous amount of experience, strength and hope, much more support is often needed to help the still-suffering addict break free from their addiction.

If you’re a MALE overeater, bulimic or anorexic who believes you need to be hospitalized to overcome your problem, rest assured that a few extremely ethical and male-friendly 12 Step-focused eating disorder units still exist! Some of the best treatment programs (like the one I experienced in 1986 at the former DePaul Rehabilitation Hospital in Milwaukee) were non-profit and have long ago closed due to the elimination of government funding that was previously available.

I’m always glad to hear from MALE food addicts who have experienced anti-male sexism in support groups, professional treatment programs, or in any other setting where they’ve sought help for their addiction. If you care to leave your e-mail address in your comment I’ll be glad to respond to you directly. I’m also careful to DELETE e-mail addresses from comments so as to protect the anonymity thos who wish to leave a comment on this website.

 

Weigh-In: Sunday, 4/13/08

As of today, I’ve released a total of 84 1/2 pounds from my top-known weight of 510 pounds (my top weight was reached in 1986). My weight release for this past week was four pounds. My weight release for the previous week was three pounds. As of today I weigh 425 1/2 pounds. My next weight release goal is 335 pounds.

For the record, I release my excess weight JUST ONE POUND at a time. The “rate” (e.g., how fast or slow) I release my excess weight is NONE of my business, nor is it your business. Instead, it is the business of God and health care professionals. These folks are a whole lot saner about matters of nutrition, physical exercise and medical issues unique to my own situation than I (or any other addict I can think of) would ever hope to be. To paraphrase the A.A. Big Book, “When it comes to [weight loss] we were strangely insane.”

And now a word about getting weighed: It ain’t my favorite thing to do!  Since I was an obese child, I have loathed weighing-in (especially if it involved having another human being being present when I stepped on the scales!!!).

In a previous entry on this blog, I referred to the scale as the “Scale Monster”. The reality is the scale is NOT the monster, what IS of monsterous proportions is the tons of toxic shame I’ve experienced from my various scale experiences over the years.

The state of merely “being obese” has obviously also been quite shaming. The connection between my weight, the scale, my body image and self-esteem (or lack-of-self-esteem) has been a source for MUCH frustration, embarrassment and disgust for as long as I can remember!

So for me to feel fear, stress, shame and downright TERROR when I approach the scale is totally understandable! Thankfully in my recovery from addiction these negative and painful feelings and thoughts are changing.

To start with, I don’t use the numbers that the Scale Monster spits back at me to shame myself (I can, but I have a choice and [one weigh-in-at-a-time] I choose to see the “numbers” as but one measure of my physical recovery. I don’t choose to compare my numbers (or rate of weight loss/gain) with anyone else’s number. I realize that LOTS of other numbers, along with the number on the scale, can help me get a more accurate measure of the quality and quantity of my recovery.

Above all, my value has a precious child of God is not determined by my body weight — Just for today!

 

Recovery: Beyond the First 72 Hours

Today (Friday, April 11) makes DAY FIVE of continuous recovery (ODAAT) — which means I’ve made it beyond the ever-important “first 72 hours” that I discussed in a previoius journal entry. So now what? What must I do to continue to grow in my recovery process? In a nutshell: pretty much more of the same things that I did during the first 72 hours…and a few more things as well.

Specificially, I need to continue to work Steps 1, 2, 13, 10, 11 & 12 on a daily basis I don’t believe that it is possible to “graduate” from needing these Steps EVERY day of my recovery journey. These Steps keep me in touch with the reality of my addiction and helps me to connect to the support I need to keep moving forward, ODAAT.

In addition to sticking to the foundations of my recovery, I also can now move from having a mostly singular focus on the food intake part of my addiction to looking more closely (and working, not just thinking about it) at the exercise avoidance part of my addiction.

While I definitely did some physical exdercise during the first 72 hours of my renewed recovery effort, I was careful to NOT overdo it. Nothing abour recovery is a “race”…the “Slim-Slow approach” is safer, saner and far more permanent (ODAAT, of course) than the “Slim-Fast approach” could ever hope to be (CLARIFICATION: “Slim-Slow” and “Slim-Fast” are NOT references to SlimFast weight loss products! Rather this is a play on a phrase from Eddie Murphy’s original The Nutty Professor movie).

Over the course of the past five days I gradually (remember, this recovery stuff is NOT a race and I do NOT have to compare the pace of my progress with that of any other addict!) increased the amount of time I spent exercising. Here’s an example of the gradual progress I made this past week: I regularly visit a certain library branch. I began by parking my vehicle as close as I could to the building entrance…and each day I would park one or two spaces farther away from the entrance the day before. I also began to intentionally walk a greater distance inside the building each day, so that by today I am walking from one side of the building to the other side.

Small progress? To be sure. But every bit of progress counts!

I think most of us addicts have a voice inside that I would call my “inner bulimic” and/or “inner anorexic”. This/these voice(s) tell us that NOTHING we are doing in our recovery is “good enough” or ”fast enough”. Most of us addicts have fought the nagging notion that we aren’t “good enough” in most areas of our lives. We just NEVER felt good enough. We NEVER felt that whatever we did was all that great. Can you relate to these thoughts and feelings?

One of the truly WONDERFUL things that happens in recovery is that we begin (no matter how slowly) to appreciate all of the progress we make. It helps me to have other addicts there to share positive feedback each time I reach a milestone in recovery. I need their positive words to replace the negative voices of my inner critics.

Because I now value the seemingly sloooooow progress that I make in my recovery (it has taken me YEARS to get to this point), I now realize just how horribly toxic the message is that is spewed out by the weight-loss industry! Promises of “faster”, “quicker” and “sooner” weight loss results appeals to that wounded side of myself that never feels quite “good enough”. “If only I could lose that much weight that fast then it would really count…then I would really have something to be proud of!” The truth is that ALL of my progress counts, no matter how long it takes to achieve it.

 

Underneath All Addictions . . . Codependency?

Back in the mid-1980’s, a friend of mine who had a 12 Step perspective on addiction recovery, shared his belief that underneath overeating and all other addictions exists the real addiction that needed to be treated: codependency. Overeating, underexercising, indeed addictive/compulsive behaviors of every sort can all be traced back to this one common denominator.

To this day I believe my friend was on target with his theory. Yes, most addictive behaviors do seem to have some underlying biological connection/cause (e.g., physical addictions to substance like booze, mood-altering drugs, sex, food, compulsive spending, etc.). Yet, pardon my codependent observation here (Isn’t it codependent of me to speak for others?), but aren’t most of us addicts ”flamingly codependent” — even as we experience recovery from other addictions?

OK. Maybe it’s just me who should self-identify as being a flaming codpendent (sometimes less flamingly, other times more flamingly). Then again, if you’ve ever observed fellow 12 Steppers interactive with each other, you might be inclined to believe that I’m not the lone codependent in 12 Step recovery.

Here’s an example of codependency amongst 12 Steppers: Have you ever heard the saying that “The only requirements for starting a new A.A./O.A./N.A./etc.-A. meeting are two members, a coffee pot and a resentment”? My experience is that most resentments are caused when one 12 Steppers can’t control another — can’t have their way, can’t win a group conscious vote, can’t succeed at shoving their approach to recovery down the throats of other group members, etc.

If you’ve read Melody Beattie’s self-help bestseller, CoDependent No More, then you might be skeptical (as I used to be) about whether codependency really is a legitimate problem since (based on her book’s all-encompasing definition) surely 99% of ALL persons – not just us addicts – are codependent, while the other 1% must be in denial.

Beattie seems to suggest that viritually any imperfection in how we deal with others makes one a codependent. Yet who can honestly claim to act with perfect relationship skills all the time? Not moi.

If, on the other hand, I focus my definition of codependency on just the major relationship problems/issues, then codependency makes more sense and can explain most of the “triggers” for most of my addictive behaviors.

Some of the relationship issues that appear to be legimate symptoms of codependency include: controlling behaviors (either we attempt to control others or we allow others to control us), distrust of ourselves and others, perfectionism, stuffling/avoidance of feelings, problems with emotional and sexual intimacy and excessive caretaking of others. We also tend to judge ourselves without mercy.

Many of the codependents in my life (including myself) end up experiencing megaloads of anxiety (and even panic attacks), depression and ftustration as those we care about often appear to be “spinning out of control” (Heck, no wonder they need us to contol them! HA!). A name for those individuals spinning out of control that I like is “crazymakers”.

We now interrupt this otherwise serious blog entry (some of us codependents overdose big time on being SERIOUS, so a hmor break is certainly in order!) for some Codependency Humor:

– You might be a codependent if you refer to your friends as being a “caseload”.

– Am I a codependent? Depends what you think…Do you think I’m codependent?

– Why do codependents always flunk Geography class? Because they can’t distinguish any boundaries.

Now back to more serious blogging about codependency as the underlying cause for addictions.

Perhaps codependency is the underlying cause for the 12 Step reminder to “H.A.L.T.” — In our lack of caring for ourselves we too easily forget to keep from getting “toooooooo” Hungry, Angry, Lonely and/or Tired.

Perhaps codependency is at the cause for some of us having UNhealthy expectations of others. A member of Alcoholics Anonymous shares the how he overcomes the stress caused by his codependent thinking: “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

Perhaps codependency is addressed in the line from the Serenity Prayer that asks God to give us the “Serenity to accept the things we cannot change…”.

Agree or disagree with my friend’s theory that codependency is the addiction that exists underneath all other addictions (therefore is the ultimate trigger for other addictive behaviors), what I know for sure is that the pain caused by my codependent behaviors have lead me to acting out with food (and other substances and things as well). So I personally see a great value in working on my codependency issues along with my food and other addiction issues.

 

I’m Glad You Asked!!!

A visitor to my blog, identified as “deb3283″, posted the following comment/question regarding the H.O.W. Movement within the Overeaters Anonymous fellowship. Her comments were originally posted in a space that was intended for responses to the entry “8 Calls Within 21 Hours…“.

So as to not confuse the topic of the subject matter (which has nothing directly to do with Weight Watchers), I’ve moved her comments to the body of this entry. My response will follow.

deb3283 writes…

I recently read your writing(s) regarding H.O.W. and the rules and regulations imposed by this “cult”. I am very interested in your thoughts here, as I just finished speaking with my therapist re “O.A. vs. H.O.W.”

Though I have been able to give up sugar (such an addiction for me) and white flour, I am just not able to feel one bit healthy on their food plan. I don’t feel comfortable in the meetings either, though I am a long term member of AA. I have gained weight in the 2 years of attending my weekly HOW meetings. They seem to focus more on the rules/regulations/stringent food plan and “positive 3 minute pitches” then the root problems of compulsive eaters (shame/body image/prior eating disorder behavior, etc). I just wanted to get your further thoughts on this as I am attempting to make a decision whether to continue (and edging toward O.A., frankly). Thanks so much. — Deborah

Dave (a/k/a OveractiveFork) responds…

What I believe you are referring to is something that I shared on my One Bite Fellowship website (www.onebite.net). I’m glad you’ve asked my thoughts, because at some point I should definitely post that information here on OveractiveFork.My four cents worth (as adjusted for inflation) on this topic goes like this…

The so-called “H.O.W. movement”, as found within Overeaters Anonymous as well as the basis for several other 12 Step fellowships, is DANGEROUS on many levels.

Nutritional Danger: Food plans, IMHO, should never be written/prescribed by fellow addicts. Yet H.O.W., in it’s various incarnations, continues to offer a food plan that was originally written by someone other than a nutritionist.

Over the decades since it was first written, it has been re-written by dozens of other addicts — so when they push their so-called “perfect food plan” down our throats, it is only fair to point out that what they have is probably NOT the original Grey Sheet food plan written by an Overeaters Anonymous member back in the early 1960’s. So how do they know that their version is the most perfect, let alone ONLY food plan appropriate for all addicts? Where is the logic?

IMHO, no addict has any business  to write or promote a food plan. Food plans should ONLY be written by a medical profesional. While we trust professionals to assist us with our recovery, we addicts should remain focused on living and working the 12 Steps, one day at a time.

Emotional Danger: Everything that has originated within the H.O.W. movement is emotionally toxic!!! Just two examples:

1) H.O.W. oldtimers tell newcomers all the time that they should take the H.O.W. food plan to a “health care PROFESSIONAL” and abide by that person’s guidance — yet they shun, verbally abuse and even outright harrass members who were told by the professional that they consulted to NOT follow such a rigid, low-carbohydrate food plan. This is abusive…No addict deserves to be treated inappropriately just because another addict (= fellow insane person) does not approve of her/his food plan!

2) To insist on “positive pitches” is just another way to say to us that we need to “stuff our (authentic) feelings” — Wasn’t that what we were already doing (e.g., stuffing down our pain) with excessive amounts of food?!? Thanks, but I don’t think that the “face of a person in recovery” should go around with a fake smile plastered on his/her face!

We only begin to change when we have the ability/freedom to get REAL about our feelings. “Positive pitches” aren’t about being real. Insisting on “positive pitches” is a way of shaming others for their very REAL feelings.

Spiritual Danger: Nearly EVERYthing that the H.O.W. movement REALLY believes and stands for is in direct contradiction to the principles found within the 12 Traditions. Coercion, control (a/k/a rules and regulations) and abuse don’t mix well with spiritually-sane recovery.

I hope you RUN far away from the drama and insanity that the H.O.W. movement offers in the name of recovery and stick with traditional OA! OA may have its problems (perhaps it doesn’t offer enough structure that most of us need?), but what it offers seems to be MUCH saner than anything the H.O.W. extremists have to offer.

Tanslation to non-12-Steppers: “H.O.W.” is a reference to the 12 Step approach to recovery known as Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness. I’ve always found it rather arrogant that this movement makes use of a name that would infer that they have the corner on these virtues! Isn’t grandiosity a character defect?

Maybe my “Weight Loss Buddy” would feel more at home in a H.O.W. group that she does in Weight Watchers? <big evil grin>

 

“Weight Loss Buddy” Vs. “Weight Loss Control Freak”

I’m an addict — excessive amounts of food and avoidance of physical exercise are my “drugs of choice” — and my problem is Dave!

<<< Group Responds: “Hi, Dave and welcome!!!” >>>

Several days ago I received a call from a friend who shares my struggle with food addiction and exercise avoidance. She called to inform me that SHE DECIDED…

– that WE were going to be “Weight Loss Buddies” beginning the first week of January 2008.

– that WE would be attending TOGETHER the Monday Weight Watchers meeting in my neighborhood that takes place barely one block from where I live.

…that WE were pretty much going to eat and exercise ALIKE.

…It even sounded as if she expected US to even think ALIKE (or, more like I would think JUST LIKE HER!).

This ain’t a healthy relationship, people! What she proposes is more like a “codependent clingfest” where she is my Drill Sergeant! With a “friend” like her offering me “support” (as well meaning as she certainly is), I probably could easily cultivate TONS of resentments to lead me back to OVEReatomg and enough DEPRESSION to make me want to be even more lethargic than I already am!

I know: NO excuse will do for bad choices. I also know that my friend’s prouncements about this “weight loss buddy” thing sounds extremely co-dependent as evidenced by her DISrespect for my boundaries/choices.

If you read any of my other journal entries, you know that I believe it is a BIG NO NO for one addict to dictate to another addict about the choice of a food plan or exercise plan! I’ve found it best to leave to PROFESSIONALS (or at least Weight Watchers) decisions that should NEVER be made by a “fellow crazy person” (e.g., fellow addict — “When it comes to food, we are stragely INsane” = Don’t hire a pyromaniac to work as a fire fighter!).

The concept of a “weight loss buddy” is fine. In fact, it is a GOOD thing to have a friend in recovery to share experience, strength and hope with on a regular (if not daily basis).

But make decisions for their buddy?  Nope. Each addict is responsible for his own decisions. Smart decisions and dumb decisions. Healthy decisions and toxic decisions. Each of us addicts even have a right to make NO decision(s) — which is/are decision(s) in themselves!

In 12 Step recovery the concept that comes closest to what my friend calls a “weight loss buddy” is what is known as a “sponsor”. A sponsor is someone who usually has a longer term of recovery than their sponsee. My experience is that most people who work with a “buddy” usually have nearly the same length of recovery as the person they are working with (i.e., for overeaters this means that they both usually began their dieting effort at the same time).

Thanks, but I don’t “do diets” these days! I love the newest Weight Watchers slogan: “Stop dieting. Start living.” Amen!

For me, speaking as an addict, diets never really did work for me, don’t work for me now and NEVER will work for me. They make work for my friend and they may work for you (More power to y’all!), but they do NOT work for me.

What DOES work for me is experiencing a “spiritual awakening” followed by a “lifestyle change” and change of life philosophy — that, with God’s help and the support of other addicts — I work just ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is what is working for me NOW and what I’ve wittnessed working for countless other addicts over the years (regarless of their “drug of choice”).

I love the concept of sponsorship as it is taught and practiced within Narcotics Anonymous. My approach to working with my “Weight Loss Buddy” (Yes, I’m going to work with her — one meeting and one day at a time!) is influenced by the following quotes from N.A. literature…

“Over time, being a sponsor can help us learn how to listen without judgment, accept without conditions, and love without expectations. In many ways, sponsorship teaches us how to develop and maintain healthy relationships.”

Wow! “Listen withOUT judgment”, “accept withOUT conditions and love withOUT expectations — what concepts! Not only can this approach help me “develop and maintain healthy relationships” (with my Weight Loss Buddy and others), it also goes a long way to helping me overcome tendencies to become a “control freak” — Hey, I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, so I learned how to be a “control freak” at an early age (at least I got these tendencies “honestly”, huh?).

When I first laid eyes on a checklist of common characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics back in the mid-1980’s), I thought it was a PERFECT description of myself as well as MOST of the folks I’d met in the meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. Hence to this day I believe that the “primary addiction” most of us addicts have is the addiction to CONTROL others (which sounds a like codependency to moi!) and our “drug(s) of choice” is more of a “secondary issue”.

Back to Narcotics Anonymous literature as it discusses the concept of sponorship…

“A sponsor is a recovering addict in the program of Narcotics Anonymous; someone we can trust to share our life experiences with (both good and bad); a person to whom we can go with our problems that may be too personal to share with the group. It is suggested that a sponsor be someone who has practice in working the Twelve Steps and is involved in the program. Primarily, a sponsor is a guide through the Twelve Steps of recovery.”

It sounds like to me that a sponsor must have a gentle spirit — one that allows their sponsee to be honest/real/transparent.  without fear of recrimination. Could it be that a sponsee should never fear being scolded,  nagged or screamed at by their sponsor? Me thinks so.

Sponsors (and even Weight Loss Buddies) must keep their own recovery as their primary focus. Sponsors have a right to maintain their own boundaries (“We carry the message, not the addict.”) Sponsor then “are not reformers, preachers of the gospel, welfare workers, part-time social workers, marriage counselors, money lenders, employment counselors, or parole officers.”

I have this knot in the pit of my stomach accompanied by the intutitive sense that tells me that that sooner (rather than later) I’ll need to gently confront my Weight Loss Buddy about my boundaries and about what IS MY business and where she needs to let go of control.

I’ll let you know how this relationship works out.

 

“Some Say LOVE It Is A HUNGER…”

Who would have thought that lyrics of a popular song could have held such insight?

Many years ago I attended an Overeaters Anonymous retreat where a recording of Bette Midler’s song The Rose was used as a meditation. The Rose is also featured as a on one of Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ To The Oldies videos.

Why The Rose? What is it’s connection to food addiction/exercise avoidance?

One line from that song speaks volumes to me: “Some say love, it is a hunger an endless aching need…” Ain’t that the truth!

“What the world needs now” (and our ”addict within” can use daily) is to feel loved. A Co-Dependents Anonymous affirmation addresses this very basic of human needs with the reminder that: “I am lovable, loving and loved.”

So easy to affirm, yet so much harder for me to feel!

What happens when I don’t “feel the love”? What happens when I feel rejection (a/k/a the “withdrawal of love”)? I grab for the food! I attempt to fill my “inner hunger” with something that might taste delicious — but still can’t fill the hole that I want -desperately need - it to fill.

Yet when I use food to be the “lover of my soul” my self-esteem is ultimately decreased and what self-love I have disappears. What a painful paradox: trying to (over)fill the hole in my soul leaves me only more empty.

Ultimately, I believe only God can fill the emptiness (which includes the feeling/belief that deep down we are ”UNlovable”) that fills our soul. I also believe that God created me (and all of us) to be “social creatures” who also need the love and acceptance of others, to some degree, in order to be truly happy.

What in the wide, wide world of sports makes me bring up the “hunger for love” topic? Probably because I’ve recently (again) come to the realization that I “don’t handle rejection” all that well. Then again, WHO DOES “handle it well”? While rejection doesn’t have to totally devistate me, when it happens I nonetheless feel a great deal of pain.

I’ve been working on healing from rejection — two wounds, or occasions, in particular. One rejection took place in 1995 and the other around 1981/1982. I can usually “make sense” of “why” someone rejects me. But when it is out-of-the-blue, when it (from my point of view) appears to be totally UNprovoked, then I don’t handle it terribly well.

Maybe the best I can do is to “feel my feelings” — including the massive amount of pain that rejection causes. “Stuffing it down” with excess amounts of food certainly hasn’t healed it. I’m hoping that writing about it here and in my 12 Step work and talking it through with my therapist can also help bring about healing.

As an addict who’s drug of choice is excess food and exercise avoidance, today I’m making a choice to “love myself enough” to eat healthy and exercise appropriately so that maybe some of the emotional pain will subside.

 

It Began In Gym Classs: Exercise Avoidance

Up to this point, my journal entries have mostly dealt with the food addiction side of what I call my “double-sided addiction”.  Along with overeating, I find myself equally addicted to to avoiding physical exercise at all costs.

Food addiction combined with exercise avoidance combines to make for a very UNhealthy lifestyle! Ya’ think!?! :-) For me, these two addictions really “feed” into each other (pun intended): the more I overeat, the less I want to exercise…the less I exercise, the less I care about my physical appearance and overall well-being — hence I can easily get to the point where I don’t really care about what (or how much) I’m (over)eating.

Because of my double-sided addiction, I really needed a program like Weight Watchers that addresses BOTH what (and how much) I’m eating and how (and how often/much) I’m moving my body.

Kudos not only to Weight Watchers, but also to Richard Simmons! He is now championing the cause of promoting physical exercise in the schools — along with continuing to promote healthy eating habits starting at an early age! (To this day, Richard’s “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” videos provide me with an enjoyable method to engage in physical exercise.)

Speaking of starting/stopping addiction “at an early age”…At the same time that I was learning to medicate my emotions with excess food, I was developing a fear and loathing of gym class. I detested just about every gym teacher I ever had throughout grade, junior high and high school!

Gym class particpaption also greatly increased my feelings of shame. Being the fattest kid in my class, I could pretty much count on being picked LAST when classmates were instructed to select team members for a particular sport. Nothing like feeling UNwanted and UNwelcome!

As if the pain of being chosen last wasn’t enough to deal with while I was growing up, all I have to do is tune in to The Biggest Loser or some other competition-driven weight loss TV show, to see adults engaging in the same sort of shaming behavior! Nothing against competition per se, but being chosen last for a team ALWAYS hurts. Always.

I share about the emotional pain that gym class caused me NOT to blame it on my pattern of exercise avoidance, but simply to point out that this addiction (like my food addiction) has been with me most of my life. I’m NOT currently enrolled in school, so my abhorance of gym class from school days has NOTHING whatsoever to do with ”why” exercise avoidance is one of my “addiction issues” as an adult.

When it comes to overeating and underexercising, I find that perfectionistic thinking can fuel me to act out with both of these behaviors (Exercise-related perfectionistic thoughts: “If I can’t exercise at the level of an Olympic athelete, why bother?” “If I’m always going to have ‘big hairy fat man’s titties’ instead of a ’six pack’ to show the world, why care?” — Food-related perfectionistic thoughts: “If I can’t lose at least five-or-more pounds per week, why follow this food plan?” “I only lost two pounds last week?…Where’s the nearest all-you-can-binge buffet?”).

I’m glad that a Weight Watchers’ leader shared the following quote that helps challenge my perfectionistic thinking: “Perfection(ism) leaves no room for growth.” Hopefully even in my most twisted thinking I can realize that I have plenty of room for growth and that my best efforts really are “good enough”.

Now there’s an insight into perfectionisting thinking and behavior: I grew up believing that NOTHING I ever did was “good enough”. So no wonder my best eating behavior and exercise effort usually don’t feel “good enough”. And when another (perfectionistic) addict comes along to question/show disrespect for my “best” effort? The “addict-to-addict shaming, blaming and undermining game” only undermines my best effort (”If my ‘best’ isn’t as good as his best, then why try?”.

One of the tools I use to help challenge my perfectionistic thinking is a quote from a leader in the co-dependency movement: “I’m a human being, NOT a human doing.” The Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley had a cute (but sometimes irritating) affirmation to challenge his perfectionism: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and dog-gone-it, people like me!”

The real issue (always) is: Do I like me? Do I like me enough to respect my best effort? Do I like it enough to have something less than a “six pack” and a body fat percentage greater than most professional atheletes?

Today I don’t follow a “diet” — I follow a “food plan”.

Today I don’t do “exercise” — I do “physical movement”.

“Physical movement” is to “exercise” as “food plan” is to “diet” — e.g., a new name for a behavior that used to cause me a senseless amount of pain. These new behaviors don’t just have a new name, they also comes with a healthier set of rules and boundaries — which less to LESS senseless pain that I used to experience with the old behaviors.

Today, as I follow my food plan, I give myself permission to do a reasonable amount of physical movement each day.

Today I choose to check with professionals to make sure that my perfectionism is NOT driving me to do “too much” exercise for my own good. Pushing myself too hard (with food or exercise) only leads me to experience burn-out and (ultimately) fuels excuses to return to my old addictive behavior(s).

Today walking, lifting two pound weights, working out with Richard Simmons’ videos and doing exercises prescribed for me (in amounts/within limitations prescribed for me) by physical therapists provides me with a moderate, safe and sane approach to physical movement.

 

Addict-To-Addict Judgmentalism

An earlier topic I posted on had to do with just how cruel we food addicts can be to one another. One aspect of the unkindness we are capable of acting out with has to do with how judgmental we food addicts can be about other addict’s food choices. I find it rather ironic that those of us who have been out-of-control with our food intake can be awfully high and mighty — yeah, in a word: “judgmental” — when it comes to rating what and/or how much  other addicts (addicts who self-identify as being “in recovery”) eat.

And you (and I) certainly are NOT judgmental toward other addicts, right? Then tell me about that fellow who is pictured above (the guy wearing the red shirt). Did you assume that he is at his TOP weight ever? Or did you wonder if he had already lost 50, 75, 100 or more pounds? How do you emperically KNOW that he is as overweight as he has ever been? Answer: You can NOT know for sure if you just met someone. Why is it OK to assume the worst about them? Answer: It isn’t.

So to any food addict (not to metion to every exercise avoider as well) who has been negatively judged becuase of recovery effort, please know that you aren’t alone!  I, too, have had to endure nurerous judgmental comments (and hateful glances) over the years — and those words and looks definitely can hurt!

My “recovery puzzle” includes wisdom gleaned from various 12 Step fellowships, including Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. One of my favorite lines from the A.A. Big Book says, “Where alcohol has been involced, we are stragely insane.” And I can solemnly assure you that when it comes to food (and exercise) I too have a well-documented history of being “strangely insane”.

So when I hear a fellow food addict pontificate to me or other addicts about nutrition (let alone exercise) I try to NOT over-react and remember to “consider the source”. Trusting a food addict to be a dietician is about illogical as trusting a pyromaniac to work as a fireman. It just ain’t a smart idea!!!

Could you make “better” food choices than some other addict? Good for you! Did you loose weight faster than another addict did? Whoopie!!!

What’s the point of being a know-it-all with one another? Can’t we all support one another while walking DIFFERENT paths to achieve our recovery? Since when did my mouth get attached to yours? Our own individual results are absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! Remember the famous disclaimer: “Your results may vary”. My experience is that our individual results often DO vary from that of another addict!

If you want “competition” go park your butt in front of your TV and watch those weight loss reality series. On the other hand, if you want to be “supportive”, then work your own program of recovery while affirming others for their sincere efforts at recovery.

Being overly critical of fellow addicts is all-too-typical behavior for those who have (and rumor has it that ALL of us addicts have this issue, to one degree or another) chronically low self-esteem. This problem is what 12 Step writer John Bradshaw refers to as “Toxic Shame”. When we who have for so long judged ourselves without mercy, it is all-too-easy to act out this way when we interact with others who share our addiction.

The tendency toward addict-to-addict judgmentalism is why I’ve decided to NOT post a whole lot of truly personal recovery information (e.g., my weight loss, food intake and accoiunting for physical exercise) on Overactive Fork. I don’t need the hateful remarks that come with shame-based addicts projecting their shame on me. NOT that I’ve ever projected ME shame on any other addicts! HA! I only (honestly) wish that were so.

Just for today I wont judge other addict’s attempts at (and results from their) recovery journey. My rate of weight loss (and yours) is God’s business (not mine or yours).