Dave Begins: “I’m an addict, my problem is Dave and my drugs of choice are excessive food intake and exercise avoidance!!!”

Reader Responds: “Hi Dave and welcome!!!”

I want to take this opportunity to wish you a Blessed and Merry Christmas!  May your Christmas be full of joy and serenity and hope!

If you’ve read any of my journal entries from 2009, you know that it has been a really rough year for me and one that can’t end soon enough — one day at a time!  My mother died at 6:00am on New Year’s Day.  My closest female friend died on April 16th.  I nearly died of an allergic reaction that sent me into kidney failure in late June.  Then in mid-August I came down with the painful condition known as sciatica (on my left side).  I guess after a year like 2009 I at least deserve to be referred to as a “survivor”, huh? 

I thank God for the grace I’ve needed to cope with the drama of 2009 — one day at a time.  God’s grace is always a precious gift and I hope that I always feel gratitude when I experience it (not to mention always realize when God is pouring out His grace on me to begin with — rather than assuming I’m “making it” on my own, when indeed I’m not).

Because I’m afraid that the grief of my mother’s loss will be overwhelming on Christmas day, I’m going to PLAN (in writing) my food choices for tomorrow ahead of time.  I may need to revise my plan, but AT LEAST I’LL HAVE A PLAN. WHY is PLANNING IMPORTANT (especially at stressful times)?  Because “those who (consciously) fail to plan are actually (subconsciously) planning to fail” and (the bottom line is) I don’t think nearly as  clearly when I’m under stress (Who does?), especially when it comes to anything to do with food.

I love my momma and I miss her more than words can even begin to express!  But NO amount of insane eating will ever bring her back to life in this world.  She suffered much in the several years leading up to her death and I can find at least some sense of peace believing that my momma is no longer suffering.

As I’ve written on this blog previously, I believe the Weight Watchers POINTS food plan (these day marketed under the name “Momentum”) is the most wonderful food plan I’ve ever followed — bar none.  It may not work for you, but it IS the food plan for me.

While I could go on and on about what I like about the WW food plan, the balance of this journal entry will focus on what I do NOT like about the organization/business behind the food plan. Please note that NONE of the concerns I’m about to share are keeping me from attending WW meetings or are giving me an excuse to not eat sanely with the guidance of the organization’s food plan.  These are issues that simply irritate me about WW.  Hopefully I’d rather write about these things instead of using them as an excuse to abandon my recovery effort.

These are the issues that bother me the most about Weight Watchers…

Nutritional Hypocrisy/Inconsistency. In the current version of WW program literature, including the literature pertaining to the WW food plan, time and again members are directed to choose  “filling foods” — including whole grains.  Yet NONE of the Weight Watchers Smart Ones (TM) frozen food items that I’ve purchased contain whole grains!  Every single item that contains grains of any sort contain bleached flour, which is less filling and far less nutritious than the whole grain alternative.  If you have found a Weight Watchers Smart Ones (TM) item t hat includes whole grains, please let me know so I can purchase such an item!

True, whole grains cost more than bleached flour. So is this a matter of WW trying to maximize profit by including cheap ingredients, thus minimizing nutritional quality?  If so, I say SHAME on Weight Watchers!

I want to acknowledge the folks who produce Healthy Choice frozen food for finally including whole grains in some of their products.  If Healthy Choice can afford to make this change, then so can Weight Watchers!

Some Weight Watchers foods are barely healthier than junk foods. Apart from the WW Smart Ones (TM) foods that you can buy at the grocery store, WW sells several food items — NOT labeled as “Smart Ones” (TM) — at their meeting locations.  Yes, many of these foods that carry the Weight Watchers name do contain lots of vitamins and minerals.  This is a good thing.  The bad thing is that many/most of them also contain high levels of refined sugar, making them slightly healthier than their junk food counterpart.

An example of a WW food item that must be loaded with refined sugar is their Smoothies.  I just love the taste of their Creamy Chocolate flavored Smoothie.  Yet I was horrified to learn a month ago that this item (made with water, instead of milk) caused my blood sugar to go sky high (310) and remain extremely high (over 250) for nearly four hours!  Being a diabetic food addict, this IS a cause for concern! 3 Musketeers candy bars don’t cause my sugar to go that high!

I found out about the impact of the WW Smoothie on my blood sugar as the result of being tested by a Continuous Glucose Monitor, a device that checked my blood sugar every five minutes for nearly 96 hours.  The only major spike in my sugar level came immediately after drinking the WW Creamy Chocolate Smoothie, which I made with water.  (NOTE: When wearing one of these monitors, you write down what you had to eat and when you ate it, so blood sugar levels can be traced to what one had to eat at a particular time.)

While I’m NOT a “carbohydrate phobic”, as a diabetic it is wisest for me to severely limit my intake of refined sugar.  So I’m not looking for a fight to pick with WW, this IS a legitimate medical issue: WW food needs to be more nutritious, especially for diabetics!

Anti-Male Sexism.  While I salute WW for offering their “Weight Watchers for Men” material through the paid side of their corporate website (Yes: WW has FINALLY acknowledged that men exist and that we have unique needs!…and it only took ‘em nearly 40 years to figure this out!), they are still marketing themselves almost exclusively to WOmen…even when it comes to printed material they are sending to their current members.

Evidence of WW sexism came in the form of an item they mailed to me both this past spring and again during the summer months.  Arriving with my monthly membership pass, the Meeting Ideas Card seemed to offer an excellent way to reinforce positive ideas taught at WW meetings: members are asked to write down the “best idea” they heard at a particular meeting for four consecutive weeks.  At the end of the fourth meeting members turn in their Meeting Ideas Card to WW staff and in exchange are sent a coupon for a 30% discount from Chadwicks. I’d never heard of Chadwicks (www.chadwicks.com). No wonder: Chadwicks sells ONLY WOmen’s clothing!  I would think a coupon for a men’s clothing store would be MUCH more appropriate for me…unless I’m a drag queen!?!

Another WW member actually suggested that I shouldn’t register a complaint about this matter, but should instead give my coupon to my wife (sorry, I’m gay — I don’t do drag, but I’m gay) or to my girlfriend (again: sorry, but I’m gay) or to a “female friend”.  Hmmm.  If WW were offering a 30% off coupon to say Casual Male XL (a big/tall men’s clothing store), I wonder how this female WW member would feel about giving her coupon to her husband, boyfriend or a “male friend”.  She would probably — and understandably — feel slighted.

Toxic Slogans. I recently discovered on the back of a Weight Watchers Smart Ones (TM) food package the following slogan…

“Smart Ones.  Taste so good, you want to be good.”

Don’t get me started!  I’m NOT a “dieter” anymore and dieting mentality does NOT cut it with me!  WW material clearly (and repeatedly) puts down everything to do with dieting (Their slogan “Stop Dieting. Start Living.” is but one example of how WW bashes diets), yet their marketing slogan cited above is a textbook example of the self-defeating way dieters think!

I am NOT a”good person” at ONLY those times when I follow my food plan.  Rather I follow my food plan (i.e., which allows me to eat healthy) BECAUSE I”M ALREADY A GOOD PERSON who is DESERVING to eat in a healthy manner.  And when dieters (like I used to be) don’t “eat perfect” we often feel guilty…we feel like we are “bad” and such feelings/thought almost always lead us to act out with even more unhealthy eating behavior.  Thankfully my “goodness” and my “badness” (indeed my self-esteem) are NO LONGER dependent on what food (or how much food) I’m eating, let alone dependent on the number on the scale!

So I plead with WW to knock off the manipulative, self-defeating slogans that promote the thinking that all too often leads to self-sabotage!

Cheap and getting cheaper all the time. Once WW became listed on the stock market several years ago, I almost immediately noticed a decrease in the quality of the the program materials they print.  Two-color Membership Cards became one color.  Their booklets became smaller, which caused the print inside those booklets to became smaller.  Their recipe cards are no longer printed for distribution at meetings — but you can download them and print them (with your paper and your ink) from their website.  You get the picture.

Well WW latest act of cost cutting was do away with name tags at meetings!  Good grief, what do these cost?  One or two cents?  Please!

The name tags help facilitate discussion between the meeting leader and members during meetings and between members before and after meetings. Sure, discontinuing the use of name tags is a small thing.  But a disturbing thing to me as I see WW continue to offer less and less to their members — yet the cost of WW membership has not declined.

I’m not going to drop my WW membership because of the issues I’ve cited here.  I just needed to vent about them, rather than overeat over them. Not that we addicts ever needed an excuse to overeat. 

Dave: I‘m an addict and my problem is Dave!  My drugs of choice are food addiction and exercise avoidance. I abuse my body with food in order to numb painful emotions (especially fear and rage) and avoid exercise because I lack the discipline to take good care of my body and because I’ve elevated lazyness to an artform. I’m grateful to be experiencing the gift of recovery from both sides of my addiction today — just for today — one day at a time!

Reader Responds: Hi Dave and welcome!!!

As an addict who has a long history of abusing my body with food, for today I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve done some crazy stuff when it comes to acting out with my drugs of choice — especially food.  My insane behaviors with food include, but are not limited to…

– Picking up food that I’ve dropped on the floor and then eating it.
– Picking up food that I’ve dropped on the sidewalk or even parking lot and then eating it.
– Eating food that is still half-frozen.
– Eating food that is partially stale.
– Eating food so fast that I don’t even hardly taste what I’m  eating.
– Eating food (which includes drinking beverages) so fast that I nearly choke on it.
– Eating so much food that it leaves me over-stuffed and short of breath.
– Eating so much food that it leaves me so lethargic that you would think I was on dope.
– Circa 1984: At one meal eating 19 pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken, along with all sorts of sides (e.g., mashed potatoes and gravy, slaw, biscuits, baked beans, etc.) while INSISTING on drinking ONLY Diet Coke! My justification was that “real food addicts would have ate 20 pieces of friend chicken, while I _only_ ate 19 pieces!

Other than these things, my behavior with food over the years has been reasonable sane.  HA!!!

So I was on my way to shop at my neighborhood Walgreen’s last night and I noticed a gentleman that I assumed to be a Nicotine Addict toss his cigarette (which he didn’t extinguish) on the SIDEWALK in front of the store, only to emerge from said store a few minutes later and proceed to PICK UP AND PLACE IN HIS MOUTH his still-burning cigarette!  Honest!!!

Before I could cope a totally judgmental attitude toward this smoking stranger, I remembered some of the INSANE things I’d done with food (see my Short List above) and realized that I was in NO position to judge the man who did the SAME behavior with a lit cigarette that I had done with food…even when I’m NOT overeating I have been known to place food in my mouth that has landed on the floor, a sidewalk or parking lot. “There but for the grace of God go I”, eh?

Why be so open about my checkered history with food?  Because I learned a long time ago that I/we addicts are only as sick as our worst secrets. Also, when I share my sickest secrets I am much LESS likely to repeat them! To get them “out in the open” also reduces the weight of my guilt and shame that these sick secrets have caused me.  In recovery I am afforded many opportunities to come out of secrecy and into the light of honesty.

Several years ago, I shared at a 12 Step meeting that I “never cope well” with rejection…to which a fellow member honestly responded to my lament with a question, “Who does deal well with rejection?”  Duh!  I wouldn’t be feeling my feelings if I didn’t feel pain immediately after (and for a long time to follow) being rejected by some other person.

So rejection will likely always hurt. This is an undeniable and unavoidable fact of life. Thanks to what I’ve learned over the years through my recovery efforts, HOW I (yes, me) choose to deal with the pain of rejection is where I have found that I have (to some degree) freedom to make the best of a painful situation.

What I’ve learned about coping with rejection from fellow addicts and others over the years includes…

– As an addict, when my commitment to my recovery is weak, then I tend to “handle” rejection by rejecting myself.  My self-rejection is acted out in many ways, including acting out with my drugs of choice and doing a poor job of self-care (self-care includes simple things like bathing, wearing clean clothes, shaving, keeping my apartment and vehicle tidy, etc.).
– Overeating (or acting out with other self-destructive addictions) can NOT (for any signifcant period of time) relieve me of the pain of rejection.
– “The only thing you get for sitting on the (Self-)Pity Pot is a ring around your butt!”
– Writing helps release the pain.
– I can forgive myself for making mistakes that may have contributed to another person’s rejection — and then learn from them so I don’t repeat them.
– Loving someone doesn’t mean I must give them the power to destroy my self-esteem.
– Loving someone doesn’t mean I must give them the power to reduce the level of  my self-esteem.
– I’m powerless over others,  so if other people want to stay stuck in their resentment against me, that is their choice and (after I make amends, if I believe amends is appropriate) then I just need to move on.
– I can choose to focus on the many people who love and accept me and IGNORE the relatively few people who have rejected me.
– I have a RIGHT to ME!!!  So if I must pretend to be someone I’m not in order to prevent being rejected by them, then I’m better off WITHOUT that person in my life.

The bottom line about rejection is that I recover from it’s devistation (as well as recover from other issues in my life that cause me pain) the same way I experience recovery from my self-destructive addictive behaviors: (no more than) One Day At A Time!  And if need be, Just Five Minutes At A Time!

I’m an addict and my problem is Dave!!!

Reader Responds: Hi Dave and Welcome!!!

In addiction to ingesting excessive amounts of food, avoiding physical exercise at all costs (along with a few dozen other substances and behaviors), several years ago I discovered that I’m also addicted to misery!

I can relate to the following dictionary definitions of misery: great mental or emotional distress; extreme unhappiness. One dictionary entry I found noted that in previous generations the word misery was often used to describe/identify a pain (e.g., ”I’m experiencing a misery in my left side”).

Another dictionary entry that caught my eye claims that often times emotional misery is directly connected to our expectations and perceptions. If this is true (and I think it is) then maybe I/we addicts is/are at least a little (or a lot) responsible for my/our own misery?  Ya’ think!?!

DISCLAIMER: I also believe that sometime I get hooked in a state of misery because of clinical depression.  I would never accuse myself or others of choosing to be depressed. I believe depression is a disease and we don’t choose to experience.  BUT I do believe that we need to be (as much as humanly possible) for reaching out for help (professional and otherwise) when we are afflicted with depression.  Staying stuck in our depression — assuming that it is possible to overcome it with assistance — is truly a sad choice to make.

A special note to the Compulsive OverREADERS in our audience who regularly experience the compulsion to own every self-help book ever printed: I know of only one book on the twin topics of misery and addiction that I would encourage you to read. Addicted to Misery: The Other Side of Co-Dependency, by Robert A. Becker is long ago out-of-print, but you can find new and used copies for sale on Amazon.com, with used copies starting at under $4.00! If you must act out with your overREADING addiction, at least be a “value shopper”!

Truly I could devote several paragraphs to discussing what I believe to be the many causes for the emotional misery that I have struggled with over the course of my life. But the fact of the matter is that whether it is “just a tendency” or is an outright addiction, I think that my frequent struggles with misery make it very difficult for me (at least at time) to experience FUN. Even during those periods of my life when I’m experiencing a decent amount of physical, emotional and spriritual recovery from my various addictions figuring out how to “have fun” can be a major challenge.

Why is HAVING FUN important?  Why is LEARNING HOW TO HAVE FUN an important skill to work at while in recovery?  Several years ago I met a guy who worked as a “recreation therapist” in an addiction treatment center.  For some reason I just had to ask him “why” addicts in treatment were in need of his expertise…Why do recovering addicts need to learn how to have fun, let alone be sure to have fun on a regular basis?

As best I can recall, my recreation therapist pal explained that addicts who, in their recovery, regularly took part in activities that they found to be “fun” were more likely to stay sober.  In part, he believed, it was a matter than we addicts must replace “self-destructive, insane addictions” with “healthy, sane addictions” in order to stay sober.

For some addicts the “fun stuff” includes physical activities (e.g., including physical exercise) that many us greatly overweight addicts are physically INcapable of doing. Yet physical limitations and disability issue are NOT a valid excuse to keep from having fun.  Even addicts with major limitations on their physical mobility CAN find things to do that they enjoy!  It may take a while to figure out/discover what we enjoy doing (other than acting out with our drug(s) of choice), but my experience is that it is worth the effort to figure out (and then participate in on a regular basis) hobbies and activities that we find to be FUN.

I enjoy Legos and can play with them for hours!  In fact, several years ago I invested $20.00 (they ain’t as cheap as they used to be) in a large box of this popular toy.  I still have to remind myself to play with my Legos, but at least I have identified something other than food that I enjoy spending time doing.  I suppose it would be ideal for me to find some forms of recreation that I can enjoy in the company of others (actually I do: board games, card games and taking in live entertainment, etc.), but the beuty of Legos is that I can enjoy them all by myself…and sometimes I just enjoy doing things (other than overeat) all by myself.

So to my fellow addicts who are reading: Please post a comment to let me know what you do for FUN!  Our other other readers and myself might benefit from knowing what you do to have FUN. It may be something our “terminally serious” selves might also enjoy doing, but never have considered it.

Quick! Somebody contact Cindy Lauper and ask her to record a song sure to be a hit with every recovering addict seeking freedom from misery: Addicts Just Wanna’ Have Fun…

That’s all we addicts really want:
Some fun!
When the working day is done,
addicts – we want to have fun!
Oh addicts just want to have fun!

The last week of June I came down with a fever and some other symptoms that I assumed, at first, were signs that I had the flu.  My best friend wisely reminds me that I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on television. Sure enough, what I thought was the flu turned out to be something much worse!

I had noticed that the color of my urine was getting darker and darker and that my legs had more than doubled in size overnight.  At the urging of a neighbor,  I dialed 911 and was taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital.  I was admitted from the ER with the diagnosis that I had a “bizarre allergic reaction” to an antibiotic I had been taking — an allergic reaction that caused me to go into kidney failure (hence the black urine and the fluid retention in my legs — which lead to a 15 pound weight gain overnight). Weight gain?!? Yup…and we recovering food addicts know that weight gain in any amount is without a doubt our worst nightmare!

Thankfully all that weight I gained has been lost.  I came out of the kidney failure fairly quickly, but not without feeling like crap (what exactly does crap feel like, btw?) for several days.

This coming Monday will make three weeks since I was released from the hospital. The good news is that I’m doing much better now (Just as “Stella Got Her Groove Back”, so OveractiveFork is getting his groove back!) — though I still tire easily at times.

I promise to get back to posting on my “Dump Topics” soon and appreciate your patience as I continue to recover from my recent health crisis.

Only a food addict like moi would think to add…While the medical care I received during my recent hospitaization was excellent, the hospital food really sucked (with few exceptions). 

I’m a LOT better than I used to be when it comes to dealing with ANGRY people.  Yet I still would rather go out of my way than to face/deal with hostile individuals.  Then again, who enjoys being around angry folks, especially those individuals who remain STUCK in angry mode most of the time?  Those people epecially wear me out!

My co-dependency recovery has taught me many important lessons about anger: my own and that of others. What I’ve learned includes:

1) I have a right to feel my anger — despite what one very brief passage in the Alcoholics Anonymous BIG BOOK says.
2) Feeling my anger is a whole lot healthier than “stuffing it down” with excess amounts of food.
3) Taking my cue from the A.A. BIG BOOK, I do believe that I have a CHOICE when it comes to what I do with my anger:  I can choose to hold onto my anger until it becomes a full-blown resentment (which is NOT  healthy, since resentment is believed to be the number one cause for relapse into active addiction) OR (the better choice, IMHO) I can pray and work the 12 Steps to release the anger I feel.  It may take a LOT of praying and Step work, but that sure beats a return to active addiction.
4) Myself and others can express our anger withOUT acting out with verbal rage and physical aggression.
5) NObody has to tolerate being screamed at or being physically abused or being threatened with physical abuse.
6) Allowing myself to be repeatedly abused is NOT sane and surely is NOT a sign that I’m some sort of spiritual giant because I keep going back for more.
7) Real Christians DO get angry. What was that New Testament passage about Jesus throwing the merchants out of the Temple?

One suggestion that I thought was both funny and clever in terms of “working through” anger can from a speaker at a 12 Step event I attended many years ago.  In response to anger caused by an abusive co-worker, the offended party took a piece of masking tape on which she wrote the name of the person she felt anger toward and then stuck the tape with the name written on it to the BOTTOM OF HER SHOE AND THEN…SHE TOOK A WALK!!! 

One word of caution: Just remember that it is probably NOT a good idea (before or after you go on your “anger walk”) to sit down next the person you are angry at and CROSS YOUR LEGS so they can see their name on the tape stuck to the bottom of  your shoe! 

Do you have any creative ways to deal with anger…ways that help you (eventually) RELEASE your anger?  Feel free to post them in the COMMENTS section!

As an addict, I struggle to overcome self-centeredness in all of it’s forms. One area where my self-centeredness manifests itself is in the area of fear. Two of my biggest fears are that others will  reject me and will shame me in a toxic manner by unloading mountains of harsh criticism on me.

Because of these fear issues — and for other possibly good reasons — I’ve avoided posting to OveractiveFork specific details about my food intake and exercise effort.  I’m not ashamed of what I eat and how much I exercise most days, but I fear that those addicts who demonize carbohydrates and exercise bulimics for whom NO amount of exercise is ever “good enough” would surely overwhelm me with criticism if they only knew what I was eating and much (or how little — depending on one’s perspective) that I exercise. So I ask: Why put myself through the potential of being sent abusive e-mail messages from fellow addicts who 1) are NOT my sponsor and 2) are NOT any sort of health care professional? Answer: I don’t need to put myself through such harsh judgementalness that the posting of food intake and exercise data would surely generate.

The other reason I wont post such personal information on OveractiveFork is because I would never want the specifics of my food and exercise plans to be followed by the readers of this blog.  I’m NOT a dietician or exercise physiologist so I would hope that I NEVER prescribe food or exercise plans for fellow addicts.  And I would not want any addict reading my blog to follow my plans becuase they were too lazy, fearful or arrogant to seek out the advice on such matters that I believe should ONLY come from a health care professional.

I do write down what I eat and how much I exercise on a regular basis.  But that information will be shared ONLY with professionals who are in a position to offer me sound advice and appropriate feedback when such information is shared with them.  I may also choose to share this information privately with fellow addicts, but NOT in order to obtain feedback and/or advice that should only come from a professional.

All of my previous blog entries that have discussed my experience with following Weight Watchers POINTS food plan have included only very positive of comments about this moderate, balanced guideline for eating.  But now I’m gonna’ spill the beans about a very real problem with this food plan: It is NOT optimized (in terms of the number of Target POINTS it allows each day) for person who weigh much more 340 pounds.  For those of us who weigh over 400 pounds, the upper limit of 44 Target POINTS/day just isn’t enough!

In fact, at that amount I’ve recently re-gained some weight.  When, following my dietician’s directions (she is also a certified dibetes educator), I added MORE points AND my weight LOSS resumed!  Yes: the less food I ate, the more weight I gained AND the more food that I ate the more weight I’ve lost.  I’m sure this sounds nuts to many of you, but it is TOTALLY TRUE and I have the documentation to prove it.

I don’t know about any other addict for whom their drug-of-choice is food, but to not just up my hands and walk away from Weight Watchers, while following their food plan AND re-gaining weight, took a lot of God’s grace along with maximum effort on my part!  Have you ever noticed that weight gain/re-gain is the PERFECT EXCUSE to overeat?  Duh.  But what does that accomplish?  Only MORE weight gain/re-gain!  I also don’t think I’m being unreasonable for Weight Watchers to have offer a food plan that IS optimized for somone MY size.  After all, they take MY money (and plenty of it, IMHO), so they SHOULD give me my money’s worth by offering a food plan that is totally healthy and apporiate for someone my size.

The botom line:   If you are following a food plan that is not optimized for someone your size it will slow down your metabolism and undermine your body’s ability to lose weight.  Before throwing in the towel and resuming insane overeating, I strongly suggest that you consult a dietician to make sure you are eating enough food each day so you can lose weight (and lose weight safely).

In my humble opinion, it’s past time for Weight Watchers big shots (e.g., management) need to pull their heads out of their butts and re-write the Weight Watchers POINTS food plan formula so it can be easily fine-tuned for persons in ALL sizes…not just the not-too-fat crowd that it seems the company is obsessed with marketing itself to.  Shoot, I’ve probably SPILLED more food than many W.W. members have overate!

Then again, W.W. is no worse than most of the “diet industry” that targets WOmen who probably need to lose to no more than 20 – 25 pounds.  What might work for them probably will NOT work for us morbidly obese, middle-age MALES.

At least I have a dietician/diebetes educator who is on-the-ball enough to know what changes needed to be made to my food plan.  And thankfully she did NOT advise me to eat less in order to lose weight. 

I honestly had the BEST of intentions to post an entry on this blog EVERY day for eight consecutive days.  I did. I really did!

So I did TWO consecutive days of posting before breaking my eight day commitment.  But dear reader, please do not assume that I overate insanely and/or avoided exercise just because I didn’t post like I said I would.  All I can say is that sometimes LIFE and CRISES interfere with the best of my intentions and plans.  Even when they do, that is NO excuse for relapse into active addiction.

Actually, at least one of the crises that popped up a few weeks ago managed to remind me of a couple of important truths that I need to remember…truths that can even (eventually) strengthen my commitment to my recovery process. Specific lessons and reminders from the crises included…

1)  I have a right (even an obligation) to THINK BEFORE making a commitment (like making a commitment to write an online journal entry EVERY day for EIGHT consecutive days) when I know (had I thought things through)  that I was coming up on some of the busiest days of the month in terms of my “day job”! The same days each month are my busiest. So WHY do I OVERcommit myself, just to NOT be able to follow through? What is my PAYOFF for this ? Am I that “addicted” to the shame and guilt that I KNOW I ALWAYS get when I don’t follow through on my commitments?

2)  I have a right to NOT respond to  e-mail messages that start out being full of personal attacks and histrionic comments.

3)  I have a right to allow another person to be mad at me, rather than trying to “fix” their feelings or attempt to “make them happy”.

4)  I have a right to delay responding to hysterical individuals until they regain their composure and back off from being on the “attack mode”.  And if they don’t calm down?  Not my issue (especially if I’ve made amends in those cases where it appears to me that it is appropriate for me to make amends).

In any case, rather than re-starting my 8 Day Revival series of posts what I’m hereby giving myself permission is just go ahead and DUMP about some issues that are bothering me. If it takes me eight days of dumping, so be it.  More or less than eight days is OK too.

I’m even gonna’ give myself permission to NOT spend hours searching for or creating a nice picture or some other nifty graphic to go with each of my journal entries!  I can go back and find and/or add them later –If I choose to.  Getting out the words ought to be my first priority.  Dressing up the words visually?  Not so important.

Off the top of my head, I’d like to DUMP about the following topics over the course of the next (insert # here) days…

1)  Problems I’ve had with the otherwise-wonderful Weight Watchers food plan.

2)  My fears about posting my food intake and other information from my Recovery Journal Sheet on this blog.

3)  My difficulties dealing with “ANGRY people”.

4)  My difficulty being able to HAVE FUN in the process of working on my recovery.

5)  Coping with the pain of rejection.

I think this list of five things to DUMP about is plenty.