Facing The \

As of today, I’ve released a total of 84 1/2 pounds from my top-known weight of 510 pounds (my top weight was reached in 1986). My weight release for this past week was four pounds. My weight release for the previous week was three pounds. As of today I weigh 425 1/2 pounds. My next weight release goal is 335 pounds.

For the record, I release my excess weight JUST ONE POUND at a time. The “rate” (e.g., how fast or slow) I release my excess weight is NONE of my business, nor is it your business. Instead, it is the business of God and health care professionals. These folks are a whole lot saner about matters of nutrition, physical exercise and medical issues unique to my own situation than I (or any other addict I can think of) would ever hope to be. To paraphrase the A.A. Big Book, “When it comes to [weight loss] we were strangely insane.”

And now a word about getting weighed: It ain’t my favorite thing to do!  Since I was an obese child, I have loathed weighing-in (especially if it involved having another human being being present when I stepped on the scales!!!).

In a previous entry on this blog, I referred to the scale as the “Scale Monster”. The reality is the scale is NOT the monster, what IS of monsterous proportions is the tons of toxic shame I’ve experienced from my various scale experiences over the years.

The state of merely “being obese” has obviously also been quite shaming. The connection between my weight, the scale, my body image and self-esteem (or lack-of-self-esteem) has been a source for MUCH frustration, embarrassment and disgust for as long as I can remember!

So for me to feel fear, stress, shame and downright TERROR when I approach the scale is totally understandable! Thankfully in my recovery from addiction these negative and painful feelings and thoughts are changing.

To start with, I don’t use the numbers that the Scale Monster spits back at me to shame myself (I can, but I have a choice and [one weigh-in-at-a-time] I choose to see the “numbers” as but one measure of my physical recovery. I don’t choose to compare my numbers (or rate of weight loss/gain) with anyone else’s number. I realize that LOTS of other numbers, along with the number on the scale, can help me get a more accurate measure of the quality and quantity of my recovery.

Above all, my value has a precious child of God is not determined by my body weight — Just for today!