Do you remember the moving eulogy that Earl Spencer, brother of Princess Diana, offered at her funeral?  Over the course of the many years since I first heard this this powerful speech, I’ve found myself fascinated by a short phrase that came near the conclusion of the eulogy that includes the words, “We are all chewed up with sadness…”.

Maybe it’s because I’m an addict for whom my drug of choice is food, but it doesn’t surprise me to me obsessing at times over this reference to chewing.

“All chewed up” is an appropriate way to describe what I’m feeling as I write this journal entry some 25 days after my mother passed away.  My momma died at 6:00am on January 1st at a hospital in south-central Indiana due to complications caused by (IMHO) nursing home neglect and neglegence. I also suspect her primary care doctor (who treated her at the nursing home and the hospital) and the hospital staff might not also be guilty of providing something far less than excellent care that contributed to my mother’s death.

Feeling "All Chewed Up" Is NOT An Excuse To Eat Everything In Sight!

Feeling "All Chewed Up" Is NOT A Valid Reason To Eat Everything In Sight! We are powerless over food, but NOT powerless over our choices!

So here I am “all chewed up” with grief while having strong feelings of resentment toward several of my later mother’s caregivers. I’m grateful to have a program of recovery that deals with these emotions (most especially resentment) — thus givng me a choice to NOT OVEReat to them.

I’m grateful that I’ve NOT put back on boatloads of weight that I’ve already lost. This is nothing short of a miracle!  I eat to my feelings (both negative and positive ones), and the overwhelming waves of feelings I’ve felt over the past several days could have given me more than enough of an excuse to binge and graze my way back so that at some point I would have ended up at the 510 pound misery that was once part of my life.

I dearly love my mother and miss her terribly, to be sure.   But NO amount of excess food will bring her back from the dead.  So why eat to grief?  Thankfully today my program of recovery gives me a choice: “Face your stuff or stuff your face”.  Indeed!

Even in the midst of my grief, I find that I’m NOT “powerless over my elbows” (i.e., I’m NOT powerless over my choices). Powerless over food?  Yes.  But I’m NEVER powerless over my choices!  This is why, when offered LOTS of leftovers from the lovely dinner that my church hosted immediately after my mom’s funeral, I said (and stuck with) NO to taking those leftovers home with me!  A few of my well-meaning “earth people” friends didn’t understand “Why” I made (and stuck with) this decision.  But that isn’t their business to understand, is it?  Nope.  I know why I didn’t want the food in my apartment.  By the grace of God I did “the next right thing”  by giving most of it away (including all of the junk food type items) to friends and others.

Thanks be to God for the gift of my precious mother!

Thanks be to God for the grace that sustains me in moments when I feel overwhelmed with facing life on life’s terms!

Thanks be to God for the more-than-adequate-grace to face and feel grief, resentment, guilt, shame and other emotions just 5 minutes at a time (and NEVER more than just ONE DAY at a time)!

Thanks to my many wonderful family and friends for offering their support during this painful time of my life!

Thanks to all who have remembered (and continue to remember) me in their prayers and I face my feelings 5 minutes at a time!