My First Christmas…Without My Mom

Dave Begins: “I’m an addict, my problem is Dave and my drugs of choice are excessive food intake and exercise avoidance!!!”

Reader Responds: “Hi Dave and welcome!!!”

I want to take this opportunity to wish you a Blessed and Merry Christmas!  May your Christmas be full of joy and serenity and hope!

If you’ve read any of my journal entries from 2009, you know that it has been a really rough year for me and one that can’t end soon enough — one day at a time!  My mother died at 6:00am on New Year’s Day.  My closest female friend died on April 16th.  I nearly died of an allergic reaction that sent me into kidney failure in late June.  Then in mid-August I came down with the painful condition known as sciatica (on my left side).  I guess after a year like 2009 I at least deserve to be referred to as a “survivor”, huh?  😀

I thank God for the grace I’ve needed to cope with the drama of 2009 — one day at a time.  God’s grace is always a precious gift and I hope that I always feel gratitude when I experience it (not to mention always realize when God is pouring out His grace on me to begin with — rather than assuming I’m “making it” on my own, when indeed I’m not).

Because I’m afraid that the grief of my mother’s loss will be overwhelming on Christmas day, I’m going to PLAN (in writing) my food choices for tomorrow ahead of time.  I may need to revise my plan, but AT LEAST I’LL HAVE A PLAN. WHY is PLANNING IMPORTANT (especially at stressful times)?  Because “those who (consciously) fail to plan are actually (subconsciously) planning to fail” and (the bottom line is) I don’t think nearly as  clearly when I’m under stress (Who does?), especially when it comes to anything to do with food.

I love my momma and I miss her more than words can even begin to express!  But NO amount of insane eating will ever bring her back to life in this world.  She suffered much in the several years leading up to her death and I can find at least some sense of peace believing that my momma is no longer suffering.

 

The First 72 Hours: Day #2 — One Day At A Time

Dave announces: “I’m an addict and my problem is Dave!…ingesting excessive amounts of food and avoiding physical exercise are my drugs of choice!”

Group responds: “Hi Dave and welcome!”

Dave continues…

By the grace of God, who is GREATER than my limited understanding of Him, I am still “back on track” for my second consecutive day of recovery from my recent relapse. Overall yesterday went very well and today is going really good too!

Have I experienced “cravings” to OVEReat? Yes. Have I desired to AVOID exercise at all costs? Definitely. Yet God’s grace has kept me on track and given (quite literally) the ability to do (with His strength) what I could NOT do for myself.

I’ve also been strengthened by my willingness to reach out to other addicts — this blog is one way I do that, phone calls and in person visits also help. Sure, fellow addicts can be a source of irritation (after all, we’re ALL SCREWED UP TO SOME DEGREE OR ANOTHER, RIGHT?), but many times I’ve found that the very issues that cause such irritatioin can be turned around so that they can actually help my recovery effort (e.g., what I usually find most irritating in other addicts is often the very same areas of brokenness that I need to deal with — NOTE that I did not say that I “want” to deal with!).

Yesterday I reached out to one addict in person, made one phone call and worked on this blog. Thus far today I’ve made one phone call and am working on this blog.

Other addicts may be able to experience recovery while in isolation from other addicts, but what I know is that my recovery effort is MUCH easier when I reach out for support.

A word about phone calls: When I get an addict’s answering machine or voicemail, my making the call AND leaving a message COUNTS toward what I consider to be my effort to reach out to other addicts. I’ve done my part and that is the important thing — since what I do (not what others do or don’t do) is what I can control. I mention all of this only because I used to not consider my attempts to reach out as being “good enough” unless the other person either answered their phone or returned my call.

Reaching out to God for support is even more important (than reaching out to others) to the success of my recovery effort. Yet God always leads me to reach out to other people. I definitely believe than “an addict alone is in bad company”.

What else is helping?  Prayer…Reading recovery-supportive literature…Listening to uplifting music…Remembering to “H.A.L.T.” before I get over-stressed with living “life on life’s terms”.  “H.A.L.T.” is a 12 Step reminder to STOP/HALT BEFORE I get “too…” Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (or really “too…” much of ANYthing that (like these four things) can set me up for relapse.

Today I’m (physically) feeling pretty rough. Between seasonal allergies (a/k/a “The Ohio Valley Creeping Crud”) and what I call “detox issues” caused by (healthy) changes in my food intake, coupled with the more intense emotions I feel when I’m not stuffing down my emotions with excess food, I’m pretty much “a basket case-waiting-to-happen” — Just For Today! 🙂

And when I’m feeling like a “a basket case-waiting-to-happen” thats all the MORE reason for me to practice the H.A.L.T. principle and remember that during my first 72 hours I really must “cut myself some slack” and remember to relax!